Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,919
- Points
- 38
After his death, I inherited a handsome sum from my uncle. I wasn't particularly thrilled... unc was a mathematician.
Brunette: "My Aunt Clarice is flying in from Alaska! I haven't seen her since I was a kid! When she gets off the plane, I'm gonna give her the biggest hug she's ever had!"
Blonde: "Don't do it! You'll die for sure!"
Brunette: "Oh my lord! What are you talking about now?"
Blonde: "Don't you know? If you touch auntie-matter, you blow up!"
My grandma achieved a milestone yesterday: she hit 110! This is the last time I ride with her when she's late for Bingo!
Q: What does Batman wear to Germany if he wants to blend in?
A: Flederhosen.
A workmate of mine actually scored a date with a supermodel! He came to her apartment as she was getting ready... she answered the door with a towel rapped around her, stating, "I bet you can't wait to see me in the hottest new Paris fashion!"
"In fact," he replied, playing it cool, "I'd like nothing better!"
Blonde: "It's weird! This French restaurant opened only yesterday, but I feel like I've been here before!"
Brunette: "Are you having deja vu?"
Blonde: "No, I thought I better have a salad."
Putin's evil actions guarantee that his name will be reviled by future scholars. I'd recommend he smoke a joint and mellow out, but Vlad the Inhaler doesn't sound like much of an improvement.
You've heard the old folktale about stone soup, right? It's all about a dissatisfied chef who was searching for a boulder flavor.
Our local bar owner caught his wife cheating on him, so he pushed her off a cliff to her death. It was the last Bloody Mary on the rocks he ever made.
Brunette bystander: "This man is bleeding badly! How long will the ambulance be?"
Blond bystander: "Based on the other accident sites I've seen, about 15 feet."
My neighbors gave me $20 to feed their cat while they left for three weeks on vacation. It could have gone better: that bill wasn't particularly nutritious.
Job interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Blonde job seeker: "In a mirror, I guess. They'll still be making them, right?"
He: "You're quite the lovely young lady! Would you have any objections if I made love to you?"
She: "I must admit... that's something I've never done."
He: "You mean you've really never made love?"
She: "No, silly! I've never objected!"
Brunette: "My husband and I just got back from our trip to Carlsbad Caverns! What an experience!"
Blonde: "Yeah, you should sue! Why couldn't Carl come up with some nice caverns?"
Most people prefer elevators to stairs, but I can't stand 'em. They drive me up the wall!
He: "I had a flourishing career once, but had to give it up... fallen arches."
She: "What was it you did? Were you a track athlete?"
He: "No. An architect."
For maximum puppy health, your pooch should be breathing heavily at least twice during his walkies. I wouldn't even own a dog who didn't have a pair of pants.
Financial analyst: "So, what's your net worth?"
Commercial fisherman: "Including licensing and periodic repairs, about $900. But I can make that back with a single good catch."
The Bat Man who showed up at the crime scene was a nihilist. I could tell because of his futility belt.
Pool attendant: "Get off that high dive! There's no water in this pool!"
Blonde: "I know; it's the only time it's safe for me to go in. I can't swim."
My resistance training is paying off handsomely! So far, I've resisted training for two straight weeks!
If Putin really has been working to increase Russia's birthrate, he's made a fatal error: he just killed off the only one of his countrymen who had any balls.
* * *
Brunette: "My Aunt Clarice is flying in from Alaska! I haven't seen her since I was a kid! When she gets off the plane, I'm gonna give her the biggest hug she's ever had!"
Blonde: "Don't do it! You'll die for sure!"
Brunette: "Oh my lord! What are you talking about now?"
Blonde: "Don't you know? If you touch auntie-matter, you blow up!"
* * *
My grandma achieved a milestone yesterday: she hit 110! This is the last time I ride with her when she's late for Bingo!
* * *
Q: What does Batman wear to Germany if he wants to blend in?
A: Flederhosen.
* * *
A workmate of mine actually scored a date with a supermodel! He came to her apartment as she was getting ready... she answered the door with a towel rapped around her, stating, "I bet you can't wait to see me in the hottest new Paris fashion!"
"In fact," he replied, playing it cool, "I'd like nothing better!"
* * *
Blonde: "It's weird! This French restaurant opened only yesterday, but I feel like I've been here before!"
Brunette: "Are you having deja vu?"
Blonde: "No, I thought I better have a salad."
* * *
Putin's evil actions guarantee that his name will be reviled by future scholars. I'd recommend he smoke a joint and mellow out, but Vlad the Inhaler doesn't sound like much of an improvement.
* * *
You've heard the old folktale about stone soup, right? It's all about a dissatisfied chef who was searching for a boulder flavor.
* * *
Our local bar owner caught his wife cheating on him, so he pushed her off a cliff to her death. It was the last Bloody Mary on the rocks he ever made.
* * *
Brunette bystander: "This man is bleeding badly! How long will the ambulance be?"
Blond bystander: "Based on the other accident sites I've seen, about 15 feet."
* * *
My neighbors gave me $20 to feed their cat while they left for three weeks on vacation. It could have gone better: that bill wasn't particularly nutritious.
* * *
Job interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in five years?"
Blonde job seeker: "In a mirror, I guess. They'll still be making them, right?"
* * *
He: "You're quite the lovely young lady! Would you have any objections if I made love to you?"
She: "I must admit... that's something I've never done."
He: "You mean you've really never made love?"
She: "No, silly! I've never objected!"
* * *
Brunette: "My husband and I just got back from our trip to Carlsbad Caverns! What an experience!"
Blonde: "Yeah, you should sue! Why couldn't Carl come up with some nice caverns?"
* * *
Most people prefer elevators to stairs, but I can't stand 'em. They drive me up the wall!
* * *
He: "I had a flourishing career once, but had to give it up... fallen arches."
She: "What was it you did? Were you a track athlete?"
He: "No. An architect."
* * *
For maximum puppy health, your pooch should be breathing heavily at least twice during his walkies. I wouldn't even own a dog who didn't have a pair of pants.
* * *
Financial analyst: "So, what's your net worth?"
Commercial fisherman: "Including licensing and periodic repairs, about $900. But I can make that back with a single good catch."
* * *
The Bat Man who showed up at the crime scene was a nihilist. I could tell because of his futility belt.
* * *
Pool attendant: "Get off that high dive! There's no water in this pool!"
Blonde: "I know; it's the only time it's safe for me to go in. I can't swim."
* * *
My resistance training is paying off handsomely! So far, I've resisted training for two straight weeks!
* * *
If Putin really has been working to increase Russia's birthrate, he's made a fatal error: he just killed off the only one of his countrymen who had any balls.
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