Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
My brother asked me which Avenger was the most badass: Thor Odinson, Steve Rodgers or Tony Stark. I told him it was Scott Lang: he's the only one of them who's ever been an anty-hero.
RR tycoon: "Good God, man! How many derailments have you had this year?"
RR engineer: "I really can't say. It's hard to keep track."
I've got a sick feeling my girl wants to break up. The last three meals, she's served nothing but dumplings.
Q: How do you get rid of an Arts graduate?
A: Pay him for the damn pizza already!
I think our one-year-old must be a vampire! Every time my wife breast feeds him, he leaves pronounced bite marks, to the point where he's actually drawing blood! I told her to start him on a bottle, but she hasn't done it yet. Gotta keep reminding her... she has a tearable mammary.
Shopper: "Pardon me young man, but is this gluten free?"
Clerk: "No ma'am, but we do charge a lot less for it."
My former boss wants me back on the payroll; seems his new "dream team" didn't work out as well as he'd hoped. The lot of them got fired for sleeping on the job.
Have you ever heard a pod of killer whales singing their whale songs at midnight? It's absolutely enchanting! Nothing sounds quite so lovely as an orcapella group!
What the hell is Brutalist architecture? I want concrete examples!
After nearly letting the first one get away, Biden's shot down three more balloons. And his critics say he isn't fighting inflation!
New York she: "Generally, I wouldn't give a southerner the time of day, but there's just something about you! Care to buy a lady a drink?"
Georgia he: "Ma'am, you had me at General Lee!"
Before he became the Messiah, Jesus Christ was a carpenter. That's why woodworkers call upon him whenever they hit their thumbs with hammers.
Q: If a scholar graduates summa cum laude, how does a dunce graduate?
A: Dumma cum laude.
Q: And how does a harlot graduate?
A: Magna cum loadie.
Our town prostitute told me that straight sex usually costs $20.00, but that the price isn't set in stone. Looks like she was encouraging me to dicker.
Brunette: "Says here in your biology text book that jellyfish have survived for 500 million years despite having no brains!"
Blonde: "Heck, I should ace that test, then! I got at least twice that much!"
According to statistics, nearly 46,000 US citizens were killed by guns last year. By comparison, over 280,000 died of obesity. This can mean only one thing: considering the size of their targets, Americans are pretty lousy shots.
Hollywood producers are still hipped on video game properties; the next project being developed is based on that old classic, Tetris. But there's a problem... work on the script has come to a complete standstill. Every time the screenwriter finishes a line of dialogue, it disappears!
My new doctor not only consults, but treats his patients over the phone. He's a witch doctor who practices voodoo acupuncture.
Ma Barker ran a famous Depression Era crime family. All her sons were wanted for grand larceny. Being their mom, she was wanted for great grand larceny.
Ever watch a candle shop burn down? It happened in our town. I'm sure the owner was distraught, but all I felt was an irresistible urge to sing Happy Birthday.
Whenever you find yourself in trouble, just consider: what would Jesus do? After that, the answer becomes obvious... play dead and disappear for the next three days.
* * *
RR tycoon: "Good God, man! How many derailments have you had this year?"
RR engineer: "I really can't say. It's hard to keep track."
* * *
I've got a sick feeling my girl wants to break up. The last three meals, she's served nothing but dumplings.
* * *
Q: How do you get rid of an Arts graduate?
A: Pay him for the damn pizza already!
* * *
I think our one-year-old must be a vampire! Every time my wife breast feeds him, he leaves pronounced bite marks, to the point where he's actually drawing blood! I told her to start him on a bottle, but she hasn't done it yet. Gotta keep reminding her... she has a tearable mammary.
* * *
Shopper: "Pardon me young man, but is this gluten free?"
Clerk: "No ma'am, but we do charge a lot less for it."
* * *
My former boss wants me back on the payroll; seems his new "dream team" didn't work out as well as he'd hoped. The lot of them got fired for sleeping on the job.
* * *
Have you ever heard a pod of killer whales singing their whale songs at midnight? It's absolutely enchanting! Nothing sounds quite so lovely as an orcapella group!
* * *
What the hell is Brutalist architecture? I want concrete examples!
* * *
After nearly letting the first one get away, Biden's shot down three more balloons. And his critics say he isn't fighting inflation!
* * *
New York she: "Generally, I wouldn't give a southerner the time of day, but there's just something about you! Care to buy a lady a drink?"
Georgia he: "Ma'am, you had me at General Lee!"
* * *
Before he became the Messiah, Jesus Christ was a carpenter. That's why woodworkers call upon him whenever they hit their thumbs with hammers.
* * *
Q: If a scholar graduates summa cum laude, how does a dunce graduate?
A: Dumma cum laude.
* * *
Q: And how does a harlot graduate?
A: Magna cum loadie.
* * *
Our town prostitute told me that straight sex usually costs $20.00, but that the price isn't set in stone. Looks like she was encouraging me to dicker.
* * *
Brunette: "Says here in your biology text book that jellyfish have survived for 500 million years despite having no brains!"
Blonde: "Heck, I should ace that test, then! I got at least twice that much!"
* * *
According to statistics, nearly 46,000 US citizens were killed by guns last year. By comparison, over 280,000 died of obesity. This can mean only one thing: considering the size of their targets, Americans are pretty lousy shots.
* * *
Hollywood producers are still hipped on video game properties; the next project being developed is based on that old classic, Tetris. But there's a problem... work on the script has come to a complete standstill. Every time the screenwriter finishes a line of dialogue, it disappears!
* * *
My new doctor not only consults, but treats his patients over the phone. He's a witch doctor who practices voodoo acupuncture.
* * *
Ma Barker ran a famous Depression Era crime family. All her sons were wanted for grand larceny. Being their mom, she was wanted for great grand larceny.
* * *
Ever watch a candle shop burn down? It happened in our town. I'm sure the owner was distraught, but all I felt was an irresistible urge to sing Happy Birthday.
* * *
Whenever you find yourself in trouble, just consider: what would Jesus do? After that, the answer becomes obvious... play dead and disappear for the next three days.