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Friday night nyuks (2-24-23).

Low_Roads

4th Level Black Feather
Joined
Nov 16, 2004
Messages
8,971
Points
48
My brother asked me which Avenger was the most badass: Thor Odinson, Steve Rodgers or Tony Stark. I told him it was Scott Lang: he's the only one of them who's ever been an anty-hero.

* * *​

RR tycoon: "Good God, man! How many derailments have you had this year?"

RR engineer: "I really can't say. It's hard to keep track."

* * *​

I've got a sick feeling my girl wants to break up. The last three meals, she's served nothing but dumplings.

* * *​

Q: How do you get rid of an Arts graduate?

A: Pay him for the damn pizza already!

* * *​

I think our one-year-old must be a vampire! Every time my wife breast feeds him, he leaves pronounced bite marks, to the point where he's actually drawing blood! I told her to start him on a bottle, but she hasn't done it yet. Gotta keep reminding her... she has a tearable mammary.

* * *​

Shopper: "Pardon me young man, but is this gluten free?"

Clerk: "No ma'am, but we do charge a lot less for it."

* * *​

My former boss wants me back on the payroll; seems his new "dream team" didn't work out as well as he'd hoped. The lot of them got fired for sleeping on the job.

* * *​

Have you ever heard a pod of killer whales singing their whale songs at midnight? It's absolutely enchanting! Nothing sounds quite so lovely as an orcapella group!

* * *​

What the hell is Brutalist architecture? I want concrete examples!

* * *​

After nearly letting the first one get away, Biden's shot down three more balloons. And his critics say he isn't fighting inflation!

* * *​

New York she: "Generally, I wouldn't give a southerner the time of day, but there's just something about you! Care to buy a lady a drink?"

Georgia he: "Ma'am, you had me at General Lee!"

* * *​

Before he became the Messiah, Jesus Christ was a carpenter. That's why woodworkers call upon him whenever they hit their thumbs with hammers.

* * *​

Q: If a scholar graduates summa cum laude, how does a dunce graduate?

A: Dumma cum laude.

* * *​

Q: And how does a harlot graduate?

A: Magna cum loadie.

* * *​

Our town prostitute told me that straight sex usually costs $20.00, but that the price isn't set in stone. Looks like she was encouraging me to dicker.

* * *​

Brunette: "Says here in your biology text book that jellyfish have survived for 500 million years despite having no brains!"

Blonde: "Heck, I should ace that test, then! I got at least twice that much!"

* * *​

According to statistics, nearly 46,000 US citizens were killed by guns last year. By comparison, over 280,000 died of obesity. This can mean only one thing: considering the size of their targets, Americans are pretty lousy shots.

* * *​

Hollywood producers are still hipped on video game properties; the next project being developed is based on that old classic, Tetris. But there's a problem... work on the script has come to a complete standstill. Every time the screenwriter finishes a line of dialogue, it disappears!

* * *​

My new doctor not only consults, but treats his patients over the phone. He's a witch doctor who practices voodoo acupuncture.

* * *​

Ma Barker ran a famous Depression Era crime family. All her sons were wanted for grand larceny. Being their mom, she was wanted for great grand larceny.

* * *​

Ever watch a candle shop burn down? It happened in our town. I'm sure the owner was distraught, but all I felt was an irresistible urge to sing Happy Birthday.

* * *​

Whenever you find yourself in trouble, just consider: what would Jesus do? After that, the answer becomes obvious... play dead and disappear for the next three days.
 
LOL 😛
Great collection, as usual. 😀
My favorite:
Q: How do you get rid of an Arts graduate?

A: Pay him for the damn pizza already!
 
Thank you Milagros! 😀 As a performing arts graduate, I never delivered any pizzas, but I didn't work long in the theatre, either. Should'a picked a more practical major... philosophy, maybe.
 
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