Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I tend to pee on the side of the bowl to minimize splashing. It doesn't work as well as I'd like... fellow diners are still disgusted.
New Yorker: "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you're carrying a flashlight?"
Floridian: "Yeah, sometimes. Depends on how fast you carry it."
My garden's overrun with caterpillars and I have no idea how to get rid of them. My brother recommended bringing in one of their natural enemies. Swell... where am I supposed to find a dogerpillar?
A full year in office and our president hasn't made one decent decision. He's just Biden his time.
Cops came to my house, accusing me of stealing a complete set of encyclopedias. I told them I could explain everything!
UK man: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate."
US man: "Damn, gal! You're hot!"
Mom always said it's important to cut toxic people out of your life. I thought that was pretty sound advice until I remembered I was born via C-section.
Q: How do fans feel after hearing about Tom Brady's retirement?
A: Deflated.
My dad was an avid golfer, but I'm sure he was also a sex maniac. His advice to me: "The more holes you hit, the more you'll enjoy it!"
Dihydrogen Monoxide is a daunting chemical name, but it can be simplified. Basically, it boils down to steam.
My brother sneaked some meth into our room by shoving it up his ass and he just handed me my share. Guess I have no pride, but I don't mind getting drugs that way... anything butt crack.
MMA fighters tend not to have sex prior to big bouts. You can understand why... it makes it that much harder for them to hit each other.
Word is that China's accommodations at the Beijing Olympics are rated pretty oppressive. On the other hand, it's flag still gets five stars.
If you want to learn a foreign language, study only one at a time. If you try to take on two, you'll start confusing and substituting the words until all their meaning is lost. Experts have a term to describe this problem: byebyelingual.
There's nothing I find more stimulating than putting on underwear freshly warmed from the drier. It's also a lot of fun trying to guess who it belongs to.
Dubai spent billions building artificial islands, but now they're sinking. I guess all the money in the world can't fix erect isle dysfunction.
This may seem petty, but it's always bugged me that when I stick a pen in my shirt pocket it's aimed directly at my testicles. Silly, I know... what else would you expect from a ballpoint?
We'll soon have a chicken shortage in the US... seems that all the roosters are turning gay! Go to any farmyard and you'll hear them brag about it: "Cock? A dude'll do!"
My neurologist says I have a rare condition in which all the nerves in my hands have died off. You'd think that would upset me, but I don't feel one way or the other about it.
Hear about the cannibal who could eat only lean missionaries? He was on a glutton-free diet.
My wife left me the very day I won the lottery. Any ideas what I should do with my last wish?
Fireman: "This way, miss! Come over to the window! I know it's a long way down, but don't be scared... you're the fifth pregnant blonde I've rescued this year!"
Blonde: "But I'm not pregnant."
Fireman: "You haven't been rescued yet."
* * *
New Yorker: "Is it true that an alligator won't attack you if you're carrying a flashlight?"
Floridian: "Yeah, sometimes. Depends on how fast you carry it."
* * *
My garden's overrun with caterpillars and I have no idea how to get rid of them. My brother recommended bringing in one of their natural enemies. Swell... where am I supposed to find a dogerpillar?
* * *
A full year in office and our president hasn't made one decent decision. He's just Biden his time.
* * *
Cops came to my house, accusing me of stealing a complete set of encyclopedias. I told them I could explain everything!
* * *
UK man: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate."
US man: "Damn, gal! You're hot!"
* * *
Mom always said it's important to cut toxic people out of your life. I thought that was pretty sound advice until I remembered I was born via C-section.
* * *
Q: How do fans feel after hearing about Tom Brady's retirement?
A: Deflated.
* * *
My dad was an avid golfer, but I'm sure he was also a sex maniac. His advice to me: "The more holes you hit, the more you'll enjoy it!"
* * *
Dihydrogen Monoxide is a daunting chemical name, but it can be simplified. Basically, it boils down to steam.
* * *
My brother sneaked some meth into our room by shoving it up his ass and he just handed me my share. Guess I have no pride, but I don't mind getting drugs that way... anything butt crack.
* * *
MMA fighters tend not to have sex prior to big bouts. You can understand why... it makes it that much harder for them to hit each other.
* * *
Word is that China's accommodations at the Beijing Olympics are rated pretty oppressive. On the other hand, it's flag still gets five stars.
* * *
If you want to learn a foreign language, study only one at a time. If you try to take on two, you'll start confusing and substituting the words until all their meaning is lost. Experts have a term to describe this problem: byebyelingual.
* * *
There's nothing I find more stimulating than putting on underwear freshly warmed from the drier. It's also a lot of fun trying to guess who it belongs to.
* * *
Dubai spent billions building artificial islands, but now they're sinking. I guess all the money in the world can't fix erect isle dysfunction.
* * *
This may seem petty, but it's always bugged me that when I stick a pen in my shirt pocket it's aimed directly at my testicles. Silly, I know... what else would you expect from a ballpoint?
* * *
We'll soon have a chicken shortage in the US... seems that all the roosters are turning gay! Go to any farmyard and you'll hear them brag about it: "Cock? A dude'll do!"
* * *
My neurologist says I have a rare condition in which all the nerves in my hands have died off. You'd think that would upset me, but I don't feel one way or the other about it.
* * *
Hear about the cannibal who could eat only lean missionaries? He was on a glutton-free diet.
* * *
My wife left me the very day I won the lottery. Any ideas what I should do with my last wish?
* * *
Fireman: "This way, miss! Come over to the window! I know it's a long way down, but don't be scared... you're the fifth pregnant blonde I've rescued this year!"
Blonde: "But I'm not pregnant."
Fireman: "You haven't been rescued yet."
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