Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Shopper: "Hey pal, you got any hand sanitizer?"
Shop owner: "Yeah, but it won't be cheap. How much do much do you want?"
Shopper: "None. Just clean your hands and get me a loaf of bread."
I didn't know my girlfriend couldn't read before I bought her a new rack full of fancy spices. As a result, her recent meals have tasted so weird that I'm seriously thinking about dumping her: she doesn't know it yet, but her thyme is cumin.
Because of the coronavirus scare, nobody's going to the gyms, the barber shops or beauty parlors anymore. I tell ya, it's gettin' ugly out there.
Satan: "Welcome to Hell, sinner! It must be quite a shock to find out just what a loser you are!"
Sinner: "I'm a loser? Hey, I'm not the one still living in my dad's basement!"
Q: Why did Baby Ruth enroll in confectionery college?
A: She wanted to be a smartie.
The origins of coronavirus have been traced back to an infected bat. A bat, threatening the survival of humanity... the world's been turned upside down!
The bat may not have been able to escape coronavirus, but the bird flu.
Interviewer: "Young lady, what's your opinion on the plight of the elderly?"
Blonde: "Well I think it's just awful! Seems to me that medical scientists should figure out a way to youthenize them."
Remember the Flying Nun? She taught the rest of her convent to fly too... on windy days, you'd see them all zooming across the skies and bumping into one another, terrifying locals and tourists. It was an undeniable cloister flock.
My wife says I'm a clueless moron. This is quite surprising to me... I didn't know I was married!
In the wake of our current health crisis, no one shakes hands or speaks to others anymore: sharing is scaring.
The Chinese people don't believe in Santa Claus. That's because they know for sure who makes all the toys.
A wealthy Navajo rancher bought a big spread in North Dakota, but left after the first snowfall. He couldn't stand the thought of anything white settling on his land.
Q: What should you do if you have a bucket of blue paint that's too heavy to lift?
A: Don't empty it; instead, mix in some white paint. That will make it light blue.
St. Patrick's Day is a perfect holiday to celebrate the birth of coronavirus... green beer to go with the green meat.
People in farm country are a lot wilder than city folks. The way I hear it, they're constantly throwing a ho down.
Go into any retail store and you'll see shelves empty of toilet paper, mostly because of hoarders and resellers. So, what makes toilet paper so attractive? That's simple: it's designed for assholes.
The stuff that makes up the Dog Star is nothing to joke about. Believe me, it's a Sirius matter.
Author Joe Hill has worked to hide his true identity; he isn't eager to be be compared with his father, Stephen King. I can see his point... people would probably not take him seriously if they knew he was Joe King.
Rural bees are hard workers, staying healthy and fit. They live in a bee hive. Urban bees succumb to many temptations, becoming lazy and fat. They live in a bee city.
Q: How can you tell your toilet's running?
A: Just look at it... it's flushed.
In April of 2020, aliens finally land on Earth. One of the extraterrestrial crew clambers out of his saucer, looks around and says to his companion, "What a terrible catastrophe! Everyone on this planet is dead!"
"Yeah," replies the second alien. "But look how clean their asses are!"
Shop owner: "Yeah, but it won't be cheap. How much do much do you want?"
Shopper: "None. Just clean your hands and get me a loaf of bread."
* * *
I didn't know my girlfriend couldn't read before I bought her a new rack full of fancy spices. As a result, her recent meals have tasted so weird that I'm seriously thinking about dumping her: she doesn't know it yet, but her thyme is cumin.
* * *
Because of the coronavirus scare, nobody's going to the gyms, the barber shops or beauty parlors anymore. I tell ya, it's gettin' ugly out there.
* * *
Satan: "Welcome to Hell, sinner! It must be quite a shock to find out just what a loser you are!"
Sinner: "I'm a loser? Hey, I'm not the one still living in my dad's basement!"
* * *
Q: Why did Baby Ruth enroll in confectionery college?
A: She wanted to be a smartie.
* * *
The origins of coronavirus have been traced back to an infected bat. A bat, threatening the survival of humanity... the world's been turned upside down!
* * *
The bat may not have been able to escape coronavirus, but the bird flu.
* * *
Interviewer: "Young lady, what's your opinion on the plight of the elderly?"
Blonde: "Well I think it's just awful! Seems to me that medical scientists should figure out a way to youthenize them."
* * *
Remember the Flying Nun? She taught the rest of her convent to fly too... on windy days, you'd see them all zooming across the skies and bumping into one another, terrifying locals and tourists. It was an undeniable cloister flock.
* * *
My wife says I'm a clueless moron. This is quite surprising to me... I didn't know I was married!
* * *
In the wake of our current health crisis, no one shakes hands or speaks to others anymore: sharing is scaring.
* * *
The Chinese people don't believe in Santa Claus. That's because they know for sure who makes all the toys.
* * *
A wealthy Navajo rancher bought a big spread in North Dakota, but left after the first snowfall. He couldn't stand the thought of anything white settling on his land.
* * *
Q: What should you do if you have a bucket of blue paint that's too heavy to lift?
A: Don't empty it; instead, mix in some white paint. That will make it light blue.
* * *
St. Patrick's Day is a perfect holiday to celebrate the birth of coronavirus... green beer to go with the green meat.
* * *
People in farm country are a lot wilder than city folks. The way I hear it, they're constantly throwing a ho down.
* * *
Go into any retail store and you'll see shelves empty of toilet paper, mostly because of hoarders and resellers. So, what makes toilet paper so attractive? That's simple: it's designed for assholes.
* * *
The stuff that makes up the Dog Star is nothing to joke about. Believe me, it's a Sirius matter.
* * *
Author Joe Hill has worked to hide his true identity; he isn't eager to be be compared with his father, Stephen King. I can see his point... people would probably not take him seriously if they knew he was Joe King.
* * *
Rural bees are hard workers, staying healthy and fit. They live in a bee hive. Urban bees succumb to many temptations, becoming lazy and fat. They live in a bee city.
* * *
Q: How can you tell your toilet's running?
A: Just look at it... it's flushed.
* * *
In April of 2020, aliens finally land on Earth. One of the extraterrestrial crew clambers out of his saucer, looks around and says to his companion, "What a terrible catastrophe! Everyone on this planet is dead!"
"Yeah," replies the second alien. "But look how clean their asses are!"
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