Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I was mortified when my blond daughter was caught having sex inside a car.
"Don't you know how risky that is?" I bellowed at her. "At least I hope you were having safe sex!"
"Of course we were, dad!" she simpered back. "Cruise control was on the whole time!"
It's traditional when proposing marriage for a man to get down on one knee. It's good practice for when he'll be down on both of them.
It flummoxes me that there even was a germ lab in Wuhan, China! Wouldn't the best place to do that be in Germany?
Q: What's the best thing about attending Clown College?
A: All the students can leave for Spring Break in one car.
I bought some brightly dyed chicks to surprise the kids this Easter. My wife says I made a pretty fowl choice.
She: "Have you sneaked a flask of Chekhov Vodka with you to our son's high school play?"
He: "Yeah. So what?"
She: "Because I know exactly what that means: you're gonna get drunk in the third act!"
It's rare for a cow to struck by lightning in the middle of a pasture. Medium rare.
Yesterday I got a freaky anonymous message from some weirdo who challenged me to meet him out in the woods at midnight so we could compare dick sizes! Jezus, this world is full of sick assholes! And to top it off, the damn guy didn't even show up!
Batman is considered the leader of the Dynamic Duo, but Robin is really the more fearsome opponent. He has formidable a side-kick move.
I got fired from my job at the zoo, just for leaving the door to the lion enclosure open! That's asinine! Who the hell's gonna steal a lion?
There's a nasty rumor going 'round that Oklahoma intends to take over the rest of the United States. When asked about this, the governor said, "Don't worry! The US is going to be OK!"
I came home to find my wife had been on Ebay all day long. No bids... guess I'll have to lower the starting price.
Q: Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?
A: Because it had better reflexes that the World Trade Center.
As a class assignment, I had to do a book report on "Great Expectations". It wasn't as good as I'd hoped.
He: "Okay. I bought you a fancy dinner. How would you like to have sex with me?"
She: "Infrequently."
He: "Uh... was that one word or two?"
My mom always told me to eat green beans and I've tried my best to live by her advise. Happily, Jelly Belly always has a plentiful supply.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road directly into the jaws of a wolf?
A: He was told it was only a training mission.
I don't like to hang around after intercourse. All of my lovers have accused me of being bye-sexual.
Louie the Simp was foolish enough to testify against his boss, Angelo "Hacksaw" Falconi. He was in so much danger, the DA put him in the Witless Protection Program.
I was at the gas station today, when a robber took all my money! The police arrived immediately, asking if I could identify the thief... they were none too pleased when I pointed out pump #3.
Q: Which planet in our solar system looks the largest when viewed through a telescope?
A: The Earth.
Bad news for the Ukraine... the Russians claim they have perfected an invisibility suit that makes them totally undetectable even though they're still very much present! Word is that Defense Minister Shoigu has been testing one for the past two weeks.
"Don't you know how risky that is?" I bellowed at her. "At least I hope you were having safe sex!"
"Of course we were, dad!" she simpered back. "Cruise control was on the whole time!"
* * *
It's traditional when proposing marriage for a man to get down on one knee. It's good practice for when he'll be down on both of them.
* * *
It flummoxes me that there even was a germ lab in Wuhan, China! Wouldn't the best place to do that be in Germany?
* * *
Q: What's the best thing about attending Clown College?
A: All the students can leave for Spring Break in one car.
* * *
I bought some brightly dyed chicks to surprise the kids this Easter. My wife says I made a pretty fowl choice.
* * *
She: "Have you sneaked a flask of Chekhov Vodka with you to our son's high school play?"
He: "Yeah. So what?"
She: "Because I know exactly what that means: you're gonna get drunk in the third act!"
* * *
It's rare for a cow to struck by lightning in the middle of a pasture. Medium rare.
* * *
Yesterday I got a freaky anonymous message from some weirdo who challenged me to meet him out in the woods at midnight so we could compare dick sizes! Jezus, this world is full of sick assholes! And to top it off, the damn guy didn't even show up!
* * *
Batman is considered the leader of the Dynamic Duo, but Robin is really the more fearsome opponent. He has formidable a side-kick move.
* * *
I got fired from my job at the zoo, just for leaving the door to the lion enclosure open! That's asinine! Who the hell's gonna steal a lion?
* * *
There's a nasty rumor going 'round that Oklahoma intends to take over the rest of the United States. When asked about this, the governor said, "Don't worry! The US is going to be OK!"
* * *
I came home to find my wife had been on Ebay all day long. No bids... guess I'll have to lower the starting price.
* * *
Q: Why is the Tower of Pisa leaning?
A: Because it had better reflexes that the World Trade Center.
* * *
As a class assignment, I had to do a book report on "Great Expectations". It wasn't as good as I'd hoped.
* * *
He: "Okay. I bought you a fancy dinner. How would you like to have sex with me?"
She: "Infrequently."
He: "Uh... was that one word or two?"
* * *
My mom always told me to eat green beans and I've tried my best to live by her advise. Happily, Jelly Belly always has a plentiful supply.
* * *
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road directly into the jaws of a wolf?
A: He was told it was only a training mission.
* * *
I don't like to hang around after intercourse. All of my lovers have accused me of being bye-sexual.
* * *
Louie the Simp was foolish enough to testify against his boss, Angelo "Hacksaw" Falconi. He was in so much danger, the DA put him in the Witless Protection Program.
* * *
I was at the gas station today, when a robber took all my money! The police arrived immediately, asking if I could identify the thief... they were none too pleased when I pointed out pump #3.
* * *
Q: Which planet in our solar system looks the largest when viewed through a telescope?
A: The Earth.
* * *
Bad news for the Ukraine... the Russians claim they have perfected an invisibility suit that makes them totally undetectable even though they're still very much present! Word is that Defense Minister Shoigu has been testing one for the past two weeks.
