Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Most of Steve Jobs' innovative products have names like iPhone, iPad and iMax. That's because these creations were the Apple of his i.
I went into Home Depot to get supplies for improving my patio and the salesman told me I could use a solid decking. Fortunately, I was able to get in the first shot.
Folks get their news online these days, but that doesn't mean there isn't still a place for newspapers. It's called a recycling bin.
My sister's been on a crash diet for two weeks. That's why she looks like a wreck.
All the other characters on Sesame Street shun Big Bird... it's no fun at all being ostrich sized.
I can never decide if I should have eggs or cereal for breakfast. I really need to stop waffling.
Mondays may suck, but two days previous was a sadder day.
Ten fascinating facts about diarrhea! Number two's gonna surprise you!
A man enters a flower shop to get some roses for his wife. Once inside, he's startled to see no blooms at all, only leaves and stems.
"What's with this place?" he protests. "Says outside you currently have a wide assortment of beautiful flowers!"
"We do," the owner replies. "Every one's in stalk."
Hear about the four lazy vowels that stood around in line while the consonant did all the work? Turns out they were in a queue.
An underclassman ran over me in a crosswalk when I was on my way to graduation. Little creep! I was the one who had the right of passage!
Mary took her little lamb to school, but it caused a ruckus with its constant frolicking. It became so bad, Mary had to send it to Gamboller's Anonymous.
Someone fed my sister's pony weed; now it runs around non-stop, not allowing her to dismount. Oh, how I wish she'd get off her high horse!
If you ever get attacked by a grizzly bear, fall straight down on your face and play dead. It'll be good practice for when he turns you over.
I do an unconventional exercise... squat down, grab my knees, lean forward. Most people want nothing to do with it, but it's the way I roll.
Pirate: "Avast, hurricane up ahead! Steer towards the safest part!"
Mate: "Eye, Captain!"
Al-Queda operatives constantly comb comedy clubs, seeking to recruit the very worst standup comedians for suicide missions. They need people who can reliably blow a delivery.
The job interviewer wanted to know if I could work under pressure. I don't know what difference it would make... I'd be working in an office, not deep-sea diving.
Racecar backwards is racecar. Racecar sideways is how we lost Paul Walker.
A blonde goes to the dentist. As she sits there in the chair, she notices him loading up a syringe with novocaine.
"Hey!" she calls out indignantly. " What makes you think you can poke me with that thing?"
"Sorry," apologizes the dentist, "but I ran out of gas."
"Damn," she mutters. "Third time this week I've heard that."
I'm having hot sex with a beautiful blind woman. It's more challenging than you might think... took me weeks to get her husband's voice just right.
The phone rings in a business office and a very new receptionist answers.
"Hello ma'am," he greets. "How may I serve you? Ah... I see. And would you prefer smoking or non-smoking?"
At the next desk, the boss cringes.
"Hey, stupid!" he whispers savagely. "In the funeral profession, we say 'cremation or burial'!"
* * *
I went into Home Depot to get supplies for improving my patio and the salesman told me I could use a solid decking. Fortunately, I was able to get in the first shot.
* * *
Folks get their news online these days, but that doesn't mean there isn't still a place for newspapers. It's called a recycling bin.
* * *
My sister's been on a crash diet for two weeks. That's why she looks like a wreck.
* * *
All the other characters on Sesame Street shun Big Bird... it's no fun at all being ostrich sized.
* * *
I can never decide if I should have eggs or cereal for breakfast. I really need to stop waffling.
* * *
Mondays may suck, but two days previous was a sadder day.
* * *
Ten fascinating facts about diarrhea! Number two's gonna surprise you!
* * *
A man enters a flower shop to get some roses for his wife. Once inside, he's startled to see no blooms at all, only leaves and stems.
"What's with this place?" he protests. "Says outside you currently have a wide assortment of beautiful flowers!"
"We do," the owner replies. "Every one's in stalk."
* * *
Hear about the four lazy vowels that stood around in line while the consonant did all the work? Turns out they were in a queue.
* * *
An underclassman ran over me in a crosswalk when I was on my way to graduation. Little creep! I was the one who had the right of passage!
* * *
Mary took her little lamb to school, but it caused a ruckus with its constant frolicking. It became so bad, Mary had to send it to Gamboller's Anonymous.
* * *
Someone fed my sister's pony weed; now it runs around non-stop, not allowing her to dismount. Oh, how I wish she'd get off her high horse!
* * *
If you ever get attacked by a grizzly bear, fall straight down on your face and play dead. It'll be good practice for when he turns you over.
* * *
I do an unconventional exercise... squat down, grab my knees, lean forward. Most people want nothing to do with it, but it's the way I roll.
* * *
Pirate: "Avast, hurricane up ahead! Steer towards the safest part!"
Mate: "Eye, Captain!"
* * *
Al-Queda operatives constantly comb comedy clubs, seeking to recruit the very worst standup comedians for suicide missions. They need people who can reliably blow a delivery.
* * *
The job interviewer wanted to know if I could work under pressure. I don't know what difference it would make... I'd be working in an office, not deep-sea diving.
* * *
Racecar backwards is racecar. Racecar sideways is how we lost Paul Walker.
* * *
A blonde goes to the dentist. As she sits there in the chair, she notices him loading up a syringe with novocaine.
"Hey!" she calls out indignantly. " What makes you think you can poke me with that thing?"
"Sorry," apologizes the dentist, "but I ran out of gas."
"Damn," she mutters. "Third time this week I've heard that."
* * *
I'm having hot sex with a beautiful blind woman. It's more challenging than you might think... took me weeks to get her husband's voice just right.
* * *
The phone rings in a business office and a very new receptionist answers.
"Hello ma'am," he greets. "How may I serve you? Ah... I see. And would you prefer smoking or non-smoking?"
At the next desk, the boss cringes.
"Hey, stupid!" he whispers savagely. "In the funeral profession, we say 'cremation or burial'!"
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