Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
My brother lost both his arms and both his legs in an awful traffic accident, but due to the trauma he can't remember it having happened. He's completely stumped.
Driver: "What the hell am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"
Traffic officer: "Hold onto it! Collect three more and you get a bicycle!"
My wife always takes literature when she goes the salon for a perm. She just loves curling up with a good book.
Q: What will a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
My wife complains to her colleagues that she's being harassed while she's working. I say if it bothers her that much, she should go back to the office!
He: "I hate shopping at Macy's with you! All you ever do is waste time in the Cosmetics Department!"
She: "Whadda you mean 'waste time'?"
He: "Well, ya been in here half an hour, right? Trying out all the shades of lipstick without seeing one you like, searching in vain for a blush that'll suit you, sampling all the perfume to find 'just the right scent'? Man, I wish you'd just buy some mental mascara and be done with it!"
She: "Mental mascara! What the hell is mental mascara?"
He: "Something that lets you makeup your mind!"
My ex was a dirty girl! How dirty? She accepted the Tide Pod challenge and vanished completely!
While the rest of the jungle animals celebrated Simba's birth, the giraffe just stood there daydreaming. But then, he always did have his head in the clouds.
My doctor has never lost a patient; every one of them can be easily found in the cemetery.
Brunette: "Let's check your seasonal knowledge. Which month is the one that has 28 days?"
Blonde: "Which one? They all do, I think."
Our farm family was so poor, ma used to give me three bare lettuce leaves and a carrot for lunch. I'd take 'em out to the henhouse. Always made it seem like more of a meal: chicken sees her salad.
Q: What does Chuck Norris do when he hears that a meteor shower is heading for Earth?
A: Grab a bar of soap.
Brunette: "Says here in Genesis that Joseph served in the court of Pharaoh."
Blonde: "Wow! I had no idea that tennis was that old a game!"
Ever try to have a meaningful discussion with Ralph Lauren? It's impossible! He's so clothes minded!
Doctor: "Tell me, have you ever had back issues?"
Patient: "Yep. Still do."
Doctor: "When did you first get them?"
Patient: "I dunno for sure... Comics and Comix went out of business in 2004, so it was well before then."
Q: If a rock was alive, how would it pee?
A: By dwayning its johnson.
As a musician, I have perfect pitch: so far, I've tossed out a banjo, an accordion and a saxophone.
CHP officer: "Lady, you just ran over 20 people!"
Blond driver: "Hey, I know this stretch of road! 25 is the legal limit!"
Coach says I'm a terrific swimmer! Guess that's why I was born instead of my brother.
Q: How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?
A: His hand kept catching on fire.
Satan is known as the Prince of Darkness. He really wanted to be King of Darkness, but Putin already had the job.
"I just can't take that woman anymore! Each night, all night she traipses from bar to bar! Not nice ones, either... the worst hell holes in the city! It never ends!"
"Have you considered what might compel her to do that?"
"Of course I have! She's looking for me!"
* * *
Driver: "What the hell am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?"
Traffic officer: "Hold onto it! Collect three more and you get a bicycle!"
* * *
My wife always takes literature when she goes the salon for a perm. She just loves curling up with a good book.
* * *
Q: What will a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
* * *
My wife complains to her colleagues that she's being harassed while she's working. I say if it bothers her that much, she should go back to the office!
* * *
He: "I hate shopping at Macy's with you! All you ever do is waste time in the Cosmetics Department!"
She: "Whadda you mean 'waste time'?"
He: "Well, ya been in here half an hour, right? Trying out all the shades of lipstick without seeing one you like, searching in vain for a blush that'll suit you, sampling all the perfume to find 'just the right scent'? Man, I wish you'd just buy some mental mascara and be done with it!"
She: "Mental mascara! What the hell is mental mascara?"
He: "Something that lets you makeup your mind!"
* * *
My ex was a dirty girl! How dirty? She accepted the Tide Pod challenge and vanished completely!
* * *
While the rest of the jungle animals celebrated Simba's birth, the giraffe just stood there daydreaming. But then, he always did have his head in the clouds.
* * *
My doctor has never lost a patient; every one of them can be easily found in the cemetery.
* * *
Brunette: "Let's check your seasonal knowledge. Which month is the one that has 28 days?"
Blonde: "Which one? They all do, I think."
* * *
Our farm family was so poor, ma used to give me three bare lettuce leaves and a carrot for lunch. I'd take 'em out to the henhouse. Always made it seem like more of a meal: chicken sees her salad.
* * *
Q: What does Chuck Norris do when he hears that a meteor shower is heading for Earth?
A: Grab a bar of soap.
* * *
Brunette: "Says here in Genesis that Joseph served in the court of Pharaoh."
Blonde: "Wow! I had no idea that tennis was that old a game!"
* * *
Ever try to have a meaningful discussion with Ralph Lauren? It's impossible! He's so clothes minded!
* * *
Doctor: "Tell me, have you ever had back issues?"
Patient: "Yep. Still do."
Doctor: "When did you first get them?"
Patient: "I dunno for sure... Comics and Comix went out of business in 2004, so it was well before then."
* * *
Q: If a rock was alive, how would it pee?
A: By dwayning its johnson.
* * *
As a musician, I have perfect pitch: so far, I've tossed out a banjo, an accordion and a saxophone.
* * *
CHP officer: "Lady, you just ran over 20 people!"
Blond driver: "Hey, I know this stretch of road! 25 is the legal limit!"
* * *
Coach says I'm a terrific swimmer! Guess that's why I was born instead of my brother.
* * *
Q: How did Pinocchio figure out he was made of wood?
A: His hand kept catching on fire.
* * *
Satan is known as the Prince of Darkness. He really wanted to be King of Darkness, but Putin already had the job.
* * *
"I just can't take that woman anymore! Each night, all night she traipses from bar to bar! Not nice ones, either... the worst hell holes in the city! It never ends!"
"Have you considered what might compel her to do that?"
"Of course I have! She's looking for me!"
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