Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Paleontologists have to work long hours in blazing sun and freezing cold when they excavate dinosaur fossils. So think carefully before you become one... you're liable to get'cher ass sick.
For his 80th birthday, I gave my granddad a gag cigar, an El Kerosino. He really loves cigars... you should have seen his face light up!
William Conrad played Matt Dillon on radio. He had a great voice, but he was too chubby for the role when "Gunsmoke" moved to TV. So, the producers were forced to cast a slimmer actor. That's how the old expression got started: where there's a Will, there's a weigh.
I'm greatly concerned about the environment... those damn trees are planning something shady, I just know it!
Q: Why did Jesus nibble the palms of his hands?
A: That's how he bites his nails.
My sister's boyfriend is a cannibal. Damn, I wish she hadn't invited him to my birthday celebration; everyone tells me he's a party pooper.
A guy in the clubhouse shower-room is stunned to see one of the fellow members strip down to a bra and pair of panties.
"Wow!" he marvels, "How long have been wearing women's underwear?"
The second guys sighs.
"Since my wife found 'em in our car's glove compartment."
Try as I might, I just can't sing any part of the Hallelujah Chorus... it's just too hard to Handel.
Q: What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?
A: If you're making a snow-woman, you only need 79% as much snow.
I picked up a book at the library today: "A Short History of Luminosity". Should be perfect for a little light reading.
Q: Wizards can see Dementors; Muggles can't. But what can Muggles see that Wizards can't?
A: What's behind the Dementors.
The cops are after me, but I don't think they'll ever catch me. The dummies don't even have my right name. They're looking for some guy called Lester... Moe Lester.
Is it really such a shock the children seem to be immune to the Coronavirus? None of them are old enough to drink.
Day in, day out, six days a week, the damn factory has me busy making Hollandaise. You might say I'm egg-sauce Ted.
Scientists have added a 119th element to the periodic table. This one's called Unexpectium... it's the element of surprise.
I'm having lunch at the Mesa Grill in Las Vegas and the waitress just brought me the wrong order. Hope they straighten this out... I sure don't wanna sue Flay.
My brother got into big fight some guy who digs coal for a living. Doesn't sound too serious... he didn't receive anything but miner injuries.
After that, he managed to accidentally shoot himself. He was cleaning his target longbow and didn't realize it was loaded.
King Yertle made a tower out of his subjects that he wanted to reach higher than the moon. Needless to say, it wasn't very stable... the whole project was a turtle disaster.
My dad considers me a failure even though I make 6 figures a year! He just doesn't understand how challenging those superhero model kits are.
I've come up with my own special eating regimen. I call it the Get Fit Diet. It's very simple... I don't eat anything I can't get to fit in my mouth.
My folks like my fiance so much, they're already treating her like a daughter. My mom in particular... she's busy trying to find a nice man for her to marry.
* * *
For his 80th birthday, I gave my granddad a gag cigar, an El Kerosino. He really loves cigars... you should have seen his face light up!
* * *
William Conrad played Matt Dillon on radio. He had a great voice, but he was too chubby for the role when "Gunsmoke" moved to TV. So, the producers were forced to cast a slimmer actor. That's how the old expression got started: where there's a Will, there's a weigh.
* * *
I'm greatly concerned about the environment... those damn trees are planning something shady, I just know it!
* * *
Q: Why did Jesus nibble the palms of his hands?
A: That's how he bites his nails.
* * *
My sister's boyfriend is a cannibal. Damn, I wish she hadn't invited him to my birthday celebration; everyone tells me he's a party pooper.
* * *
A guy in the clubhouse shower-room is stunned to see one of the fellow members strip down to a bra and pair of panties.
"Wow!" he marvels, "How long have been wearing women's underwear?"
The second guys sighs.
"Since my wife found 'em in our car's glove compartment."
* * *
Try as I might, I just can't sing any part of the Hallelujah Chorus... it's just too hard to Handel.
* * *
Q: What's the difference between a snowman and a snow-woman?
A: If you're making a snow-woman, you only need 79% as much snow.
* * *
I picked up a book at the library today: "A Short History of Luminosity". Should be perfect for a little light reading.
* * *
Q: Wizards can see Dementors; Muggles can't. But what can Muggles see that Wizards can't?
A: What's behind the Dementors.
* * *
The cops are after me, but I don't think they'll ever catch me. The dummies don't even have my right name. They're looking for some guy called Lester... Moe Lester.
* * *
Is it really such a shock the children seem to be immune to the Coronavirus? None of them are old enough to drink.
* * *
Day in, day out, six days a week, the damn factory has me busy making Hollandaise. You might say I'm egg-sauce Ted.
* * *
Scientists have added a 119th element to the periodic table. This one's called Unexpectium... it's the element of surprise.
* * *
I'm having lunch at the Mesa Grill in Las Vegas and the waitress just brought me the wrong order. Hope they straighten this out... I sure don't wanna sue Flay.
* * *
My brother got into big fight some guy who digs coal for a living. Doesn't sound too serious... he didn't receive anything but miner injuries.
* * *
After that, he managed to accidentally shoot himself. He was cleaning his target longbow and didn't realize it was loaded.
* * *
King Yertle made a tower out of his subjects that he wanted to reach higher than the moon. Needless to say, it wasn't very stable... the whole project was a turtle disaster.
* * *
My dad considers me a failure even though I make 6 figures a year! He just doesn't understand how challenging those superhero model kits are.
* * *
I've come up with my own special eating regimen. I call it the Get Fit Diet. It's very simple... I don't eat anything I can't get to fit in my mouth.
* * *
My folks like my fiance so much, they're already treating her like a daughter. My mom in particular... she's busy trying to find a nice man for her to marry.
