Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Back in the ‘80s, Paul Simon released an album called “One-Trick Pony”. Guess that would make him the first real rocking horse.
The ice-rink owner offered to let me in for half price. What a cheap skate!
Why can’t vegans eat chickens?
Because they’re full of eggs.
Any youngster who tries solid food for the first time is a competitive eater: you gotta be in it to wean it.
When Wyatt Earp came into a lawless town, the first thing he did was toss up a silver dollar in front of everyone and shoot it into bits in midair. That made it clear he wanted change.
I once lost $5000 on a horse... fell off during the getaway.
When is the easiest time to sneak up on the Children of the Corn?
At the end of harvest season, after all the ears are gone.
To truly call yourself an American, activists say you must have at least a little Native American blood. Well, I definitely qualify; I always keep a big jar-full for cooking purposes.
Deer: “Hey, man. I’m a vegetarian.”
Mountain lion: “Vegetarian? What does that mean?”
Deer: “It means I don’t anything that doesn’t come out of the ground or off a tree.”
Mountain lion: “Hey, I’m a vegetarian too! I just ate two gophers and an owl!”
My wife used to put on a slinky outfit to try to entice me. She finally figured out I’m just not into kids’ toys.
Why did the terrorist cross the road?
To get to the other cide.
8:00 PM at sea, a lone sailor walks up to another and says, “Quiet night, isn’t it?”
“Sure is,” replies the second. “Wonder when the band concert’s gonna start.”
“Band concert?” the first man blurts, puzzled. “There’re no concerts on this boat!”
“There must be!” the second sailor insists. “I distinctly heard the captain say, ‘A band on ship!’”
Two sailors are scanning the horizon, when a colossal arm raises our of the water, wobbles back and forth a couple of times, then descends into the deep once more.
“Man!” one says to the other. “Did you see the size of that wave?”
A nine year old disappeared completely after getting into his mom’s moisturizer. The woman should have been more careful; the label on the jar clearly stated: “makes you look 10 years younger!”
I’ve been reading about Sir Lancelot and was surprised to learn that he was a child molester. Says in this book that upon meeting King Arthur, he turned a new page.
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... until they wash the sheets, anyway.
Which chemical element is most commonly used by the medical community?
Either Curium or Barium.
The Pope has been spotted frequenting a Mexican restaurant, of all places! Holy mole!
What devise was designed for cutting travel time across the ocean in half?
The seesaw.
I’ve got a book coming out soon... you wouldn’t believe all the weird stuff I’ve eaten since I lost all my money.
Freudian slip: saying one thing while thinking about a mother.
A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral when a stranger approaches.
“Mind if I say a word?” he asks.
“Not at all,” she replies. “Please do.”
The man clears his throat, then states, “Bargain.”
“Thanks so much,” the woman responds. “That means a great deal.”[/FONT]
* * *
The ice-rink owner offered to let me in for half price. What a cheap skate!
* * *
Why can’t vegans eat chickens?
Because they’re full of eggs.
* * *
Any youngster who tries solid food for the first time is a competitive eater: you gotta be in it to wean it.
* * *
When Wyatt Earp came into a lawless town, the first thing he did was toss up a silver dollar in front of everyone and shoot it into bits in midair. That made it clear he wanted change.
* * *
I once lost $5000 on a horse... fell off during the getaway.
* * *
When is the easiest time to sneak up on the Children of the Corn?
At the end of harvest season, after all the ears are gone.
* * *
To truly call yourself an American, activists say you must have at least a little Native American blood. Well, I definitely qualify; I always keep a big jar-full for cooking purposes.
* * *
Deer: “Hey, man. I’m a vegetarian.”
Mountain lion: “Vegetarian? What does that mean?”
Deer: “It means I don’t anything that doesn’t come out of the ground or off a tree.”
Mountain lion: “Hey, I’m a vegetarian too! I just ate two gophers and an owl!”
* * *
My wife used to put on a slinky outfit to try to entice me. She finally figured out I’m just not into kids’ toys.
* * *
Why did the terrorist cross the road?
To get to the other cide.
* * *
8:00 PM at sea, a lone sailor walks up to another and says, “Quiet night, isn’t it?”
“Sure is,” replies the second. “Wonder when the band concert’s gonna start.”
“Band concert?” the first man blurts, puzzled. “There’re no concerts on this boat!”
“There must be!” the second sailor insists. “I distinctly heard the captain say, ‘A band on ship!’”
* * *
Two sailors are scanning the horizon, when a colossal arm raises our of the water, wobbles back and forth a couple of times, then descends into the deep once more.
“Man!” one says to the other. “Did you see the size of that wave?”
* * *
A nine year old disappeared completely after getting into his mom’s moisturizer. The woman should have been more careful; the label on the jar clearly stated: “makes you look 10 years younger!”
* * *
I’ve been reading about Sir Lancelot and was surprised to learn that he was a child molester. Says in this book that upon meeting King Arthur, he turned a new page.
* * *
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... until they wash the sheets, anyway.
* * *
Which chemical element is most commonly used by the medical community?
Either Curium or Barium.
* * *
The Pope has been spotted frequenting a Mexican restaurant, of all places! Holy mole!
* * *
What devise was designed for cutting travel time across the ocean in half?
The seesaw.
* * *
I’ve got a book coming out soon... you wouldn’t believe all the weird stuff I’ve eaten since I lost all my money.
* * *
Freudian slip: saying one thing while thinking about a mother.
* * *
A woman is sitting at her husband’s funeral when a stranger approaches.
“Mind if I say a word?” he asks.
“Not at all,” she replies. “Please do.”
The man clears his throat, then states, “Bargain.”
“Thanks so much,” the woman responds. “That means a great deal.”[/FONT]
