Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Monica Lewinsky isn't planning to endorse Hillary. The last President Clinton left a bad taste in her mouth.
Don't waste money on fancy name-brand bleach. The generic version tastes exactly the same.
I was recently kidnapped by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident.
"Doctor!" he moans, "I can't feel my legs!"
"Relax," soothes the doctor. "Your legs are perfectly all right."
"Oh thank god!" the man sighs.
"The reason you can't feel them is because I had to amputate your arms."
I must be irresistible to German women. The one I came on to instantly gave me her number... 999--9999.
Jesus walks into a hotel, drops a handful of nails at the desk and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"
I own a magical dog! It's a Labracadarador.
My hand got stuck in the blender. Pour me!
Studies show that most teens turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch the hell out for teens!
I was very concerned when cattle got into my marijuana crop. The steaks were high.
I could go on and on about that defunct Swedish car manufacturer, but I don't want to bore you with a Saab story.
There must be something wrong with my blood. The doctor just told me, "Be positive."
I don't mind so much if my wife says I'm crazy. But I resent like hell hearing it from my dog.
A man goes to see his doctor. He has a green bean stuck up his nose, a grape lodged in his ear, and mashed potatoes in his navel.
The doctor looks him over and says, "Mr. Smith, you really need to start eating better."
I took part in my first cage fight last night. Me one, gerbil zero.
Did you hear Helen Keller had a boy friend? I didn't even know she was seeing someone.
I'm in hot water. My wife had a special birthday planned and I completely forgot about it. Went to the game instead. I don't see the big deal; things went perfectly fine without me. Twins!
Just watched the extended version of "The Hobbit". Bilbo was seven feet tall.
My next-door neighbor accused me of stealing her clothes. It upset me so much I nearly shit her pants.
A ghost walks into a saloon.
"Sorry," says the barman. "We can't serve spirits after eleven o'clock."
I was screwed by a priest 20 years ago. He told me, "You may now kiss the bride!"
Q: What's blue and doesn't weigh much?
A: Light blue.
I just saw a reward poster for Schrödinger's cat. He's wanted dead and alive.
* * *
Don't waste money on fancy name-brand bleach. The generic version tastes exactly the same.
* * *
I was recently kidnapped by a gang of mimes. They did unspeakable things to me.
* * *
A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident.
"Doctor!" he moans, "I can't feel my legs!"
"Relax," soothes the doctor. "Your legs are perfectly all right."
"Oh thank god!" the man sighs.
"The reason you can't feel them is because I had to amputate your arms."
* * *
I must be irresistible to German women. The one I came on to instantly gave me her number... 999--9999.
* * *
Jesus walks into a hotel, drops a handful of nails at the desk and asks, "Can you put me up for the night?"
* * *
I own a magical dog! It's a Labracadarador.
* * *
My hand got stuck in the blender. Pour me!
* * *
Studies show that most teens turn into good drivers. So if you're a good driver, watch the hell out for teens!
* * *
I was very concerned when cattle got into my marijuana crop. The steaks were high.
* * *
I could go on and on about that defunct Swedish car manufacturer, but I don't want to bore you with a Saab story.
* * *
There must be something wrong with my blood. The doctor just told me, "Be positive."
* * *
I don't mind so much if my wife says I'm crazy. But I resent like hell hearing it from my dog.
* * *
A man goes to see his doctor. He has a green bean stuck up his nose, a grape lodged in his ear, and mashed potatoes in his navel.
The doctor looks him over and says, "Mr. Smith, you really need to start eating better."
* * *
I took part in my first cage fight last night. Me one, gerbil zero.
* * *
Did you hear Helen Keller had a boy friend? I didn't even know she was seeing someone.
* * *
I'm in hot water. My wife had a special birthday planned and I completely forgot about it. Went to the game instead. I don't see the big deal; things went perfectly fine without me. Twins!
* * *
Just watched the extended version of "The Hobbit". Bilbo was seven feet tall.
* * *
My next-door neighbor accused me of stealing her clothes. It upset me so much I nearly shit her pants.
* * *
A ghost walks into a saloon.
"Sorry," says the barman. "We can't serve spirits after eleven o'clock."
* * *
I was screwed by a priest 20 years ago. He told me, "You may now kiss the bride!"
* * *
Q: What's blue and doesn't weigh much?
A: Light blue.
* * *
I just saw a reward poster for Schrödinger's cat. He's wanted dead and alive.
