Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I bought a fake Rolex and my wife is never gonna let me hear the end of it! She's been bitching at me since 10:63!
"How come 69 is a risque topic?"
"Because 689."
"Really! So what happened to 7?"
"Oh, he got lucky too!"
One of my employees is totally useless. He claims to have a condition that makes him feel healthy on Saturday and Sunday, but compromised the other five days. I'd fire him, but the California's Fair Employment Act says I can't just because he has a weekend immune system.
"My wife and I have three children. What's the seating capacity of this sedan?"
"There's a center seatbelt in the rear, so it can handle 5 without any problems!"
"Guess it's not for me, then. My wife has tons of 'em."
Q: My brother's a butcher. Usually, he deals with farm animals, but during hunting season he'll section up deer carcasses as well. So, what's his accountant's assessment when a truck-load of fifty hogs is heading his direction from the west, while fifty hunters are bringing in their trophy kills from the east?
A: "A hundred sows and bucks!"
Pedestrian: "Surely it's not gonna rain again today?"
Siri: "Yes its. And don't call me Shirley."
Pedestrian: "Damn thing's stuck in Airplane mode again... "
My neighbors have 15 kids. They say they're practicing Catholics, so I plan to move before they get really good at it.
You can't walk on the beach anymore because of the damn pinching crabs! There are littorally thousands of them!
I suffer from intellectual abuse problems... I'm a math addict! Just gotta have me sum!
Q: Where's the best place to find popcorn chicken?
A: Try Kernel Sanders.
An evil warlock thought it would be child's play to take over a cannibal tribe, but he didn't last even a day. He was in deep trouble the moment they found out he was a man-witch.
Barfly #1: "Some broad I never seen before is plastered all over 'dem beer cans."
Barfly #2: "Anheuser Busch?"
Barfly #1: "Can't tell. They don't even show her tits."
Q: What did the trout say when he got swept downstream?
A: Dammit!
You'll have noticed that Yogi is not an ordinary bear: he walks exclusively upright, wears clothing and even speaks English. Additionally, he's considerably smarter than average bears. The reason for this is simple: Yogi was an early experiment in gene splicing... taking the most advantageous ursine chromosomes and bonding them to human DNA. Plans were made to build a whole separate species of super-bear but, alas, poor Yogi is the only one. That's because on their second attempt, the scientists made a Boo-Boo.
I've heard it said that there are plenty of fish in the sea. 'Course, till you catch one you're just playing with your rod.
"How much French do you know?"
"Well, there's Hors D'oeuvres for starters."
Hear about the French chef who jumped into the Seine? He'd lost his huile d'olive.
What injustice! I studied for years to become an archeologist... yet here I am, a fry cook at Taco Bell! When I said I wanted to excavate ancient Greece, this isn't what I meant!
She: "Hey, handsome... I just happened to notice that your eyes match your swim trunks!"
He: "Y'don't say! Well honey, I better go see a doctor if they're bulging!"
My doctor says I should be sitting down when I pee. Guess that's just his way of telling me I shouldn't lift anything heavy!
Texas teller: "Good day, ma'am! How may I assist you?"
Costumer: "Withdrawal, please."
Texas teller: "Okay... right good mornin' to ya, missus! What all you reckon I can do for ya this lovely day?"
A town citizen approaches his local priest, hat in hand.
"Reverend," he begins, "I know the church does charitable work. Well, I'm in desperate need! I've lost my job! Car and mortgage payments are due! My children are going without school supplies! Without new clothing! They're getting only one meal a day! My wife is threatening to take them and leave! Please, Reverend! You've got to help me!"
"George," the priest replies evenly, "I know you. You're a degenerate gambler. If the church was to give you any money, you'd just waste it at the track."
"Oh, no sir!" George gushes enthusiastically. "I promise, you won't have to worry about that! I have gambling money!"
* * *
"How come 69 is a risque topic?"
"Because 689."
"Really! So what happened to 7?"
"Oh, he got lucky too!"
* * *
One of my employees is totally useless. He claims to have a condition that makes him feel healthy on Saturday and Sunday, but compromised the other five days. I'd fire him, but the California's Fair Employment Act says I can't just because he has a weekend immune system.
* * *
"My wife and I have three children. What's the seating capacity of this sedan?"
"There's a center seatbelt in the rear, so it can handle 5 without any problems!"
"Guess it's not for me, then. My wife has tons of 'em."
* * *
Q: My brother's a butcher. Usually, he deals with farm animals, but during hunting season he'll section up deer carcasses as well. So, what's his accountant's assessment when a truck-load of fifty hogs is heading his direction from the west, while fifty hunters are bringing in their trophy kills from the east?
A: "A hundred sows and bucks!"
* * *
Pedestrian: "Surely it's not gonna rain again today?"
Siri: "Yes its. And don't call me Shirley."
Pedestrian: "Damn thing's stuck in Airplane mode again... "
* * *
My neighbors have 15 kids. They say they're practicing Catholics, so I plan to move before they get really good at it.
* * *
You can't walk on the beach anymore because of the damn pinching crabs! There are littorally thousands of them!
* * *
I suffer from intellectual abuse problems... I'm a math addict! Just gotta have me sum!
* * *
Q: Where's the best place to find popcorn chicken?
A: Try Kernel Sanders.
* * *
An evil warlock thought it would be child's play to take over a cannibal tribe, but he didn't last even a day. He was in deep trouble the moment they found out he was a man-witch.
* * *
Barfly #1: "Some broad I never seen before is plastered all over 'dem beer cans."
Barfly #2: "Anheuser Busch?"
Barfly #1: "Can't tell. They don't even show her tits."
* * *
Q: What did the trout say when he got swept downstream?
A: Dammit!
* * *
You'll have noticed that Yogi is not an ordinary bear: he walks exclusively upright, wears clothing and even speaks English. Additionally, he's considerably smarter than average bears. The reason for this is simple: Yogi was an early experiment in gene splicing... taking the most advantageous ursine chromosomes and bonding them to human DNA. Plans were made to build a whole separate species of super-bear but, alas, poor Yogi is the only one. That's because on their second attempt, the scientists made a Boo-Boo.
* * *
I've heard it said that there are plenty of fish in the sea. 'Course, till you catch one you're just playing with your rod.
* * *
"How much French do you know?"
"Well, there's Hors D'oeuvres for starters."
* * *
Hear about the French chef who jumped into the Seine? He'd lost his huile d'olive.
* * *
What injustice! I studied for years to become an archeologist... yet here I am, a fry cook at Taco Bell! When I said I wanted to excavate ancient Greece, this isn't what I meant!
* * *
She: "Hey, handsome... I just happened to notice that your eyes match your swim trunks!"
He: "Y'don't say! Well honey, I better go see a doctor if they're bulging!"
* * *
My doctor says I should be sitting down when I pee. Guess that's just his way of telling me I shouldn't lift anything heavy!
* * *
Texas teller: "Good day, ma'am! How may I assist you?"
Costumer: "Withdrawal, please."
Texas teller: "Okay... right good mornin' to ya, missus! What all you reckon I can do for ya this lovely day?"
* * *
A town citizen approaches his local priest, hat in hand.
"Reverend," he begins, "I know the church does charitable work. Well, I'm in desperate need! I've lost my job! Car and mortgage payments are due! My children are going without school supplies! Without new clothing! They're getting only one meal a day! My wife is threatening to take them and leave! Please, Reverend! You've got to help me!"
"George," the priest replies evenly, "I know you. You're a degenerate gambler. If the church was to give you any money, you'd just waste it at the track."
"Oh, no sir!" George gushes enthusiastically. "I promise, you won't have to worry about that! I have gambling money!"
