Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
She: "Let's face facts: you men are only after one thing! It's so disgusting!"
He: "It doesn't have to be. Not if you wash it regularly."
My pastor asked for my views on pornography. Well screw him! I'm not sharing my collection with anybody!
Brunette: "According to this biology text, fish tend to stay away from the surface when it's raining heavily."
Blonde: "Well you can't blame 'em. Nobody likes getting wet."
I never look forward to seeing my urologist. He's always so crotchety.
He: "I'm into bondage, you're into skat. Are you sure these two fetishes are compatible?"
She: "I shit, you knot.”
Our whole society used to be a lot better than it is now. If it ain't woke, don't fix it.
The zookeeper wants someone to look after all the Australian animals. I'd like the job... unfortunately, I'm not koala-fied.
St. Peter: "Okay, let's get you signed in. First off, how did you die?"
New spirit: "Well, you know that big tower in Paris?"
St. Peter: "Eiffel."
New spirit: "No kidding! That's exactly what happened to me too!"
My father-in-law has the most annoying habit: he's constantly posing little questions just so he can answer them himself! Don't you hate that? I sure do!
Schrodinger's vet: "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news... ".
According to a news report, drinking a glass of wine will increase the possibility of a stroke by 10%! Just think how much I might get if she drinks the whole bottle!
Blacksmith: "You're boring, a-hole!"
Carpenter: "Of course I am! It's part of my job!"
I was once a member of a professional band. We were known as The Radiators. Unfortunately, we were never more than a warm-up act.
Freddie, Chucky and Jason have started their own rock band. They call themselves the Ungrateful Dead.
I've just passed the test to become a pest exterminator; with all the fancy new equipment I'm about to use, I feel like the hero of a spy movie! So stay out of my way... I have lice/ants to kill!
Blonde: "I'd sure like to get a dinosaur omelet someday! I bet they're huge!"
Brunette: "It's impossible to order a dinosaur omelet! Don't you know that?"
Blonde: "No, but it makes sense. According to what our science teacher says, their eggs stink."
My nephew and I haven't been on speaking terms for years. But he turns three next month, so maybe that'll change.
As a patriotic publicity stunt, SpaceX plans to launch 30 cows into orbit. They'll be calling it The Herd Shot Round the World.
My cousin says he planted grass seed but ended up with a lawn full of trees. I think he got bamboozled.
When Paper Mario and Paper Luigi travel to London, they always share an apartment. It's natural for them to be flatmates.
My doctor told me that a banana a day would help keep my colon clean. I guess I should have had him be more specific; I was supposed to be eating damn things.
Q: Bill Clinton has considered serenading Hillary so he can win back her affections. Which musical instrument would be the most effective?
A: Harmonica.
After court, I offered to take Stormy Daniels to get some fast food. I was eager for some In-N-Out, but she already had 5 Guys in mind.
He: "It doesn't have to be. Not if you wash it regularly."
* * *
My pastor asked for my views on pornography. Well screw him! I'm not sharing my collection with anybody!
* * *
Brunette: "According to this biology text, fish tend to stay away from the surface when it's raining heavily."
Blonde: "Well you can't blame 'em. Nobody likes getting wet."
* * *
I never look forward to seeing my urologist. He's always so crotchety.
* * *
He: "I'm into bondage, you're into skat. Are you sure these two fetishes are compatible?"
She: "I shit, you knot.”
* * *
Our whole society used to be a lot better than it is now. If it ain't woke, don't fix it.
* * *
The zookeeper wants someone to look after all the Australian animals. I'd like the job... unfortunately, I'm not koala-fied.
* * *
St. Peter: "Okay, let's get you signed in. First off, how did you die?"
New spirit: "Well, you know that big tower in Paris?"
St. Peter: "Eiffel."
New spirit: "No kidding! That's exactly what happened to me too!"
* * *
My father-in-law has the most annoying habit: he's constantly posing little questions just so he can answer them himself! Don't you hate that? I sure do!
* * *
Schrodinger's vet: "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news... ".
* * *
According to a news report, drinking a glass of wine will increase the possibility of a stroke by 10%! Just think how much I might get if she drinks the whole bottle!
* * *
Blacksmith: "You're boring, a-hole!"
Carpenter: "Of course I am! It's part of my job!"
* * *
I was once a member of a professional band. We were known as The Radiators. Unfortunately, we were never more than a warm-up act.
* * *
Freddie, Chucky and Jason have started their own rock band. They call themselves the Ungrateful Dead.
* * *
I've just passed the test to become a pest exterminator; with all the fancy new equipment I'm about to use, I feel like the hero of a spy movie! So stay out of my way... I have lice/ants to kill!
* * *
Blonde: "I'd sure like to get a dinosaur omelet someday! I bet they're huge!"
Brunette: "It's impossible to order a dinosaur omelet! Don't you know that?"
Blonde: "No, but it makes sense. According to what our science teacher says, their eggs stink."
* * *
My nephew and I haven't been on speaking terms for years. But he turns three next month, so maybe that'll change.
* * *
As a patriotic publicity stunt, SpaceX plans to launch 30 cows into orbit. They'll be calling it The Herd Shot Round the World.
* * *
My cousin says he planted grass seed but ended up with a lawn full of trees. I think he got bamboozled.
* * *
When Paper Mario and Paper Luigi travel to London, they always share an apartment. It's natural for them to be flatmates.
* * *
My doctor told me that a banana a day would help keep my colon clean. I guess I should have had him be more specific; I was supposed to be eating damn things.
* * *
Q: Bill Clinton has considered serenading Hillary so he can win back her affections. Which musical instrument would be the most effective?
A: Harmonica.
* * *
After court, I offered to take Stormy Daniels to get some fast food. I was eager for some In-N-Out, but she already had 5 Guys in mind.
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