Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
My wife wants me to change the baby. I checked with the hospital, but they aren't offering replacements.
Bill Cosby must think he's Santa Claus. He won't come unless you're sleeping.
I managed to catch my hand in the waffle iron. It's damned hot, but I'm feeling batter now.
Gingers are ideal candidates for library positions. They're thoroughly read.
The laxative I purchased was super efficient. It really gave me a run for my money.
When the Mormons moved west, they did so with great herds of cattle. That's why they settled in Salt Lick City.
I was a stillborn child. My parents didn't want me, but I was still born.
Boy: Daddy, please! I'm tired of running in circles!
Dad: Pipe down or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
My mom put her mom on my speed dial. She thought I might like instagram.
A mortician hands a cannibal his father's cremated remains.
"What a treat!" the man beams. "Instant soup!"
I bought my kids purple Kool-Aid, but have to be careful about how much they drink. With grape powder comes great responsibility.
The local mall is taking on extra help to protect a shipment of phones at the Samsung store. I thought I might apply... I'm eager to become one of the guardians of the Galaxy.
Determining the sex of an ant can be accomplished with a simple test... drop it in water.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.
Imagine you're at the top floor of a 20 story building. A raging fire starts on the 14th floor, completely blocking the emergency stairs. How could you possibly escape?
Easy; stop using your imagination.
My computer is exhausted every night... probably because it has a hard drive.
Leather clothing is ideal for espionage. It's made of hide.
My country cousin went out last night to tip cows, but was up-ended by a bull instead. He got a taste of his own meadow sin.
If two vegans have a disagreement, is there really any beef?
I ran out of weed-eater line and decided to use guitar strings as replacements. Guess I should've tuned them... my yard now seems too flat.
Anyone can lead a horse to water. But to make a horse drink... you're gonna need a mighty big blender.
Jesus would be terrible at video-games. If he loses a life, it takes him three days to respawn.
Three warning signs that you're getting too old:
1. Poor memory.
... and I forget the others.
* * *
Bill Cosby must think he's Santa Claus. He won't come unless you're sleeping.
* * *
I managed to catch my hand in the waffle iron. It's damned hot, but I'm feeling batter now.
* * *
Gingers are ideal candidates for library positions. They're thoroughly read.
* * *
The laxative I purchased was super efficient. It really gave me a run for my money.
* * *
When the Mormons moved west, they did so with great herds of cattle. That's why they settled in Salt Lick City.
* * *
I was a stillborn child. My parents didn't want me, but I was still born.
* * *
Boy: Daddy, please! I'm tired of running in circles!
Dad: Pipe down or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!
* * *
My mom put her mom on my speed dial. She thought I might like instagram.
* * *
A mortician hands a cannibal his father's cremated remains.
"What a treat!" the man beams. "Instant soup!"
* * *
I bought my kids purple Kool-Aid, but have to be careful about how much they drink. With grape powder comes great responsibility.
* * *
The local mall is taking on extra help to protect a shipment of phones at the Samsung store. I thought I might apply... I'm eager to become one of the guardians of the Galaxy.
* * *
Determining the sex of an ant can be accomplished with a simple test... drop it in water.
If it sinks: girl ant.
If it floats: boy ant.
* * *
Imagine you're at the top floor of a 20 story building. A raging fire starts on the 14th floor, completely blocking the emergency stairs. How could you possibly escape?
Easy; stop using your imagination.
* * *
My computer is exhausted every night... probably because it has a hard drive.
* * *
Leather clothing is ideal for espionage. It's made of hide.
* * *
My country cousin went out last night to tip cows, but was up-ended by a bull instead. He got a taste of his own meadow sin.
* * *
If two vegans have a disagreement, is there really any beef?
* * *
I ran out of weed-eater line and decided to use guitar strings as replacements. Guess I should've tuned them... my yard now seems too flat.
* * *
Anyone can lead a horse to water. But to make a horse drink... you're gonna need a mighty big blender.
* * *
Jesus would be terrible at video-games. If he loses a life, it takes him three days to respawn.
* * *
Three warning signs that you're getting too old:
1. Poor memory.
... and I forget the others.
