Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,935
- Points
- 48
Penguins are natural fry cooks. They're born with flippers.
The last pair of shoes I bought, I had to assemble myself! That's the last time I shop at Nikea!
Paratroopers are the chanciest combatants in warfare: never place your faith in any group of soldiers who've had a falling out.
It was while driving my girl back from the party that she found out that I'd started drinking again. Upset? She hit the roof!
Motto of the app updaters: "If it ain't broke, keep fixing it until it is."
It's true: I cheated on my wife five times last fall. So I cheated on her one more time in December just to get even.
The Marine Corps has started a service which provides vibrators for nymphomaniacs who've grown too destitute to afford them. They're calling the program Toys For Twats.
My daughter says she wants to become a midwife. Can't complain about that... it's a respected, positive profession. They're well known for helping people out.
I ordered shrimp fried rice for lunch. There wasn't a single shrimp in it, so I demanded to see the chef... turns out he was only three feet high.
After working his entire life as a mechanic, my brother has decided to try his hand at becoming a pastry chef. Not the strongest start... he spent all yesterday looking for a croissant wrench.
The cops can't locate the guy accused of bestiality. He's gone on the lamb.
My doctor warned me about yo-yo dieting; now that I've actually tried it, I can see the pitfalls. The string was tough enough, but the wood part was almost impossible to chew.
Favorite band of the patients in the Alzheimer's wing of the hospital: The Who?
I'll never try lab-grown meat; dogs were meant to be friends, not food.
Q: Naturalists have discovered a tropical lizard which sleeps 24 hours a day. What have they classified it as?
A: Coma coma coma coma coma chameleon.
My great grandfather was forced to work for a dentist in exchange for his false teeth. He became a dentured servant.
Someone finally did it! They turned Shakespeare's play "Hamlet" into a successful musical! It's a hit! A palpable hit!
Hamlet's father went to see the new musical production but failed to bring his wife. You can bet he got an earful.
Q: What can you do with a car built entirely out of washing machine parts?
A: Take it out for a spin.
Christmas Eve: the death of decorations. I knew it as soon as the stockings were hung.
Call me bigoted, but I feel that women are best suited to be homemakers. My wife is the perfect example... she built the house we're living in right now.
Lottery player: "If this ticket wins, everyone in my neighborhood's gonna be rich!"
Neighbor: "Really!??"
Player: "You bet! 'Cause I'll be leaving this crappy town and moving to Beverly Hills!"
* * *
The last pair of shoes I bought, I had to assemble myself! That's the last time I shop at Nikea!
* * *
Paratroopers are the chanciest combatants in warfare: never place your faith in any group of soldiers who've had a falling out.
* * *
It was while driving my girl back from the party that she found out that I'd started drinking again. Upset? She hit the roof!
* * *
Motto of the app updaters: "If it ain't broke, keep fixing it until it is."
* * *
It's true: I cheated on my wife five times last fall. So I cheated on her one more time in December just to get even.
* * *
The Marine Corps has started a service which provides vibrators for nymphomaniacs who've grown too destitute to afford them. They're calling the program Toys For Twats.
* * *
My daughter says she wants to become a midwife. Can't complain about that... it's a respected, positive profession. They're well known for helping people out.
* * *
I ordered shrimp fried rice for lunch. There wasn't a single shrimp in it, so I demanded to see the chef... turns out he was only three feet high.
* * *
After working his entire life as a mechanic, my brother has decided to try his hand at becoming a pastry chef. Not the strongest start... he spent all yesterday looking for a croissant wrench.
* * *
The cops can't locate the guy accused of bestiality. He's gone on the lamb.
* * *
My doctor warned me about yo-yo dieting; now that I've actually tried it, I can see the pitfalls. The string was tough enough, but the wood part was almost impossible to chew.
* * *
Favorite band of the patients in the Alzheimer's wing of the hospital: The Who?
* * *
I'll never try lab-grown meat; dogs were meant to be friends, not food.
* * *
Q: Naturalists have discovered a tropical lizard which sleeps 24 hours a day. What have they classified it as?
A: Coma coma coma coma coma chameleon.
* * *
My great grandfather was forced to work for a dentist in exchange for his false teeth. He became a dentured servant.
* * *
Someone finally did it! They turned Shakespeare's play "Hamlet" into a successful musical! It's a hit! A palpable hit!
* * *
Hamlet's father went to see the new musical production but failed to bring his wife. You can bet he got an earful.
* * *
Q: What can you do with a car built entirely out of washing machine parts?
A: Take it out for a spin.
* * *
Christmas Eve: the death of decorations. I knew it as soon as the stockings were hung.
* * *
Call me bigoted, but I feel that women are best suited to be homemakers. My wife is the perfect example... she built the house we're living in right now.
* * *
Lottery player: "If this ticket wins, everyone in my neighborhood's gonna be rich!"
Neighbor: "Really!??"
Player: "You bet! 'Cause I'll be leaving this crappy town and moving to Beverly Hills!"
