Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Industrialists and environmentalists may not see eye to eye, but they'll always have this in common: a preoccupation with green.
My doctor told me that if I wanted to lose weight I had to learn to say "no". That's all very well and good, but my wife won't cooperate... she keeps asking things like, "Haven't you had enough yet?"
Christian missionaries are making great strides in New Guinea... the cannibals are now saying grace before eating them.
Cannibals make for poor Christian converts. Once you've had the real thing, you aren't going to be satisfied with crackers and grape juice.
One missionary in the African veldt called his superiors to report that he'd taught the lions to stop preying. They couldn't figure out if that was good or bad news.
See the dogwood tree? You can tell by its bark.
Did I ever tell you about the time I bought some weed on the street corner and I handed the kid a 50 instead of a 20? I took a huge hit that day!
Red Riding Hood couldn't have been much of a granddaughter... not if she had trouble telling her own grandmother from a wolf in a pajamas.
The Good Book says "Love thy neighbor". That's easy for me; I live next to a bordello.
Rumor has it that you'll find a crock of gold at the end of a rainbow. Must be 'cause the leprechaun was sentenced to prism.
Our son may have my wife's good looks, but he's got my brains. In fact he just implanted them inside a killer robot.
Treebeard the Ent had a set of legs, but he couldn't walk very gracefully. Travelers would often see him lumbering through the forest.
How do I feel about illegal Mexican immigration? Let's just say I'm on the fence.
I got really loaded last night and made a bar bet that I could swallow my own dentures. Man, that'll come back to bite me in the ass!
A stallion trots into a supermarket.
"Hey!" cries the grocer.
"You read my mind!" the horse replies.
Archaeologists tell us that the very first money was carved out of rocks. Ancient people would trade these crude coins for turnips and potatoes. It was a good deal... they'd get tubers with one stone.
Interviewer: "Holy Father, what do you think when people call you a theist?"
Pope: "You crazy? Nobody says I'm atheist!"
How did Tolkien come to write Lord of the Rings? Well, it's a long story...
Q: By what means does the Man in the Moon get his hair cut?
A: Eclipse.
Not all of Michael Jackson's childlike behavior was endearing. Did you know that he frequently picked his nose? It's true; his plastic surgeon had a wide selection.
My wife asked if we had enough chips for the party. I could find only one bag, so I banged it on the counter. Now there's twice as many!
There's been some talk of giving Joe Biden the Clock Face Test to determine if he has Alzheimer's. That may not be fair... from what I hear, he only does digital.
* * *
My doctor told me that if I wanted to lose weight I had to learn to say "no". That's all very well and good, but my wife won't cooperate... she keeps asking things like, "Haven't you had enough yet?"
* * *
Christian missionaries are making great strides in New Guinea... the cannibals are now saying grace before eating them.
* * *
Cannibals make for poor Christian converts. Once you've had the real thing, you aren't going to be satisfied with crackers and grape juice.
* * *
One missionary in the African veldt called his superiors to report that he'd taught the lions to stop preying. They couldn't figure out if that was good or bad news.
* * *
See the dogwood tree? You can tell by its bark.
* * *
Did I ever tell you about the time I bought some weed on the street corner and I handed the kid a 50 instead of a 20? I took a huge hit that day!
* * *
Red Riding Hood couldn't have been much of a granddaughter... not if she had trouble telling her own grandmother from a wolf in a pajamas.
* * *
The Good Book says "Love thy neighbor". That's easy for me; I live next to a bordello.
* * *
Rumor has it that you'll find a crock of gold at the end of a rainbow. Must be 'cause the leprechaun was sentenced to prism.
* * *
Our son may have my wife's good looks, but he's got my brains. In fact he just implanted them inside a killer robot.
* * *
Treebeard the Ent had a set of legs, but he couldn't walk very gracefully. Travelers would often see him lumbering through the forest.
* * *
How do I feel about illegal Mexican immigration? Let's just say I'm on the fence.
* * *
I got really loaded last night and made a bar bet that I could swallow my own dentures. Man, that'll come back to bite me in the ass!
* * *
A stallion trots into a supermarket.
"Hey!" cries the grocer.
"You read my mind!" the horse replies.
* * *
Archaeologists tell us that the very first money was carved out of rocks. Ancient people would trade these crude coins for turnips and potatoes. It was a good deal... they'd get tubers with one stone.
* * *
Interviewer: "Holy Father, what do you think when people call you a theist?"
Pope: "You crazy? Nobody says I'm atheist!"
* * *
How did Tolkien come to write Lord of the Rings? Well, it's a long story...
* * *
Q: By what means does the Man in the Moon get his hair cut?
A: Eclipse.
* * *
Not all of Michael Jackson's childlike behavior was endearing. Did you know that he frequently picked his nose? It's true; his plastic surgeon had a wide selection.
* * *
My wife asked if we had enough chips for the party. I could find only one bag, so I banged it on the counter. Now there's twice as many!
* * *
There's been some talk of giving Joe Biden the Clock Face Test to determine if he has Alzheimer's. That may not be fair... from what I hear, he only does digital.
