Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
When I was a young cannibal growing up in New Guinea, mom always used to give me the parts of the body no one else wanted. While the rest of the family got breast and belly meat with rice , I had to make to do with calf and ankle between two pieces of bread. Man, I got so sick of below-knee sandwiches.
SETI has prepared a response just in case any alien message they receive is obscene: "You! F.O.!"
If you like your spices fresh, I know the very best way to get them: Herb Garden. Just don't mention it to my next-door neighbor... you know, Herbert Jones.
"The basic concept for the Mortal Kombat game series was borrowed from an old Scandinavian lay."
"A what?"
"Finnish hymn."
Folklore says if you get a jellyfish sting on the arm, you should rub it with urine. I don't believe in this... the poor jellyfish didn't do it on purpose.
Fire Chief: "Say you found yourself in the middle of a Four Alarm Fire... what steps would you take?"
Trainee: "The longest ones I could leading outside!"
I rate all my body parts based on their usefulness. Brain... you're a ten. Tonsils... you're a two. Bladder... you're an eight.
A shopper with a severe birth defect enters a shoe store. When the clerk looks up, he's astonished to see that the man has two left feet.
"C... can I help you?" the poor clerk stammers.
"I won't need a fitting," the customer drawls. "I'm just looking for a pair of flip-flips."
Recently, I've been dating twins. It's rather futile; so far, each pair has been born on exactly the same day.
The Spanish started the trend of the two-part COVID vaccine: two shots constitutes a dose.
I've never seen the show "Gilligan's Island", but evidently he was stuck there for three years. As a fellow gourmet chef, I sympathize... I've got one in my kitchen and I rarely leave it either.
Q: Why didn't Chinese authorities let inspectors into the Wuhan lab right away?
A: They had no idea WHO was outside.
I gave my wife $10,000 dollars for plastic surgery and she never came back. I'd go out after her, but I don't know who to look for.
No matter what her face looks like, every woman is beautiful on the inside. That's what Jack the Ripper thought, anyway.
What am I making for dinner tonight? Alligator stew! I gotta find some use of this crock pot.
A giant sauropod dinosaur like Brontosaurus or Diplodicus ate huge quantities of plant matter. This, in turn, created voluminous amounts of intestinal gas. Which means that it must have had a deafening fart... or, as DJs today would put it, a blast from the past.
Last night was my first time in a bar, and I'm ashamed to say I drank way too much. I got to be really obnoxious, making passes at all the babes. Everything after the first hour is a blank. Truth is, I must have gone home with a cougar. I woke up alongside her this morning... not my type at all. Like I say, I can't remember the details... I can't even imagine how I got her out of the zoo.
Pillsbury has just hired me to pose for photos with their products! My kids are so proud; finally, I'm a great roll model!
My doctor says he wants to examine my nasal cavity. Jesus, I didn't realize I had teeth up there too!
I was terribly nervous before my colonoscopy, but I needn't have been; my doctor saw me through.
Abra Kadabra! Abra Kadabra! Abra Kadabra!
Sorry. My spell check doesn't seem to be working.
My soul is the most precious thing I have. I wouldn't sell it for anything... with the possible exception of anal sex. Get thee behind me, Satan!
* * *
SETI has prepared a response just in case any alien message they receive is obscene: "You! F.O.!"
* * *
If you like your spices fresh, I know the very best way to get them: Herb Garden. Just don't mention it to my next-door neighbor... you know, Herbert Jones.
* * *
"The basic concept for the Mortal Kombat game series was borrowed from an old Scandinavian lay."
"A what?"
"Finnish hymn."
* * *
Folklore says if you get a jellyfish sting on the arm, you should rub it with urine. I don't believe in this... the poor jellyfish didn't do it on purpose.
* * *
Fire Chief: "Say you found yourself in the middle of a Four Alarm Fire... what steps would you take?"
Trainee: "The longest ones I could leading outside!"
* * *
I rate all my body parts based on their usefulness. Brain... you're a ten. Tonsils... you're a two. Bladder... you're an eight.
* * *
A shopper with a severe birth defect enters a shoe store. When the clerk looks up, he's astonished to see that the man has two left feet.
"C... can I help you?" the poor clerk stammers.
"I won't need a fitting," the customer drawls. "I'm just looking for a pair of flip-flips."
* * *
Recently, I've been dating twins. It's rather futile; so far, each pair has been born on exactly the same day.
* * *
The Spanish started the trend of the two-part COVID vaccine: two shots constitutes a dose.
* * *
I've never seen the show "Gilligan's Island", but evidently he was stuck there for three years. As a fellow gourmet chef, I sympathize... I've got one in my kitchen and I rarely leave it either.
* * *
Q: Why didn't Chinese authorities let inspectors into the Wuhan lab right away?
A: They had no idea WHO was outside.
* * *
I gave my wife $10,000 dollars for plastic surgery and she never came back. I'd go out after her, but I don't know who to look for.
* * *
No matter what her face looks like, every woman is beautiful on the inside. That's what Jack the Ripper thought, anyway.
* * *
What am I making for dinner tonight? Alligator stew! I gotta find some use of this crock pot.
* * *
A giant sauropod dinosaur like Brontosaurus or Diplodicus ate huge quantities of plant matter. This, in turn, created voluminous amounts of intestinal gas. Which means that it must have had a deafening fart... or, as DJs today would put it, a blast from the past.
* * *
Last night was my first time in a bar, and I'm ashamed to say I drank way too much. I got to be really obnoxious, making passes at all the babes. Everything after the first hour is a blank. Truth is, I must have gone home with a cougar. I woke up alongside her this morning... not my type at all. Like I say, I can't remember the details... I can't even imagine how I got her out of the zoo.
* * *
Pillsbury has just hired me to pose for photos with their products! My kids are so proud; finally, I'm a great roll model!
* * *
My doctor says he wants to examine my nasal cavity. Jesus, I didn't realize I had teeth up there too!
* * *
I was terribly nervous before my colonoscopy, but I needn't have been; my doctor saw me through.
* * *
Abra Kadabra! Abra Kadabra! Abra Kadabra!
Sorry. My spell check doesn't seem to be working.
* * *
My soul is the most precious thing I have. I wouldn't sell it for anything... with the possible exception of anal sex. Get thee behind me, Satan!
