Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
A bum got in my way today, so I knocked him to the ground and started kicking him. My wife thinks I might be trouble, but I'm not worried... our mayor just made a speech about how we should all help fight poverty.
Paleontologists have determined that one species of early humans went extinct by wandering too far from their caves and getting lost. That's why so few people today are descended from Meanderthals.
I found out yesterday that my next-door neighbors are swingers when the husband invited me over for a threesome with his wife. It wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped... maybe next time she'll get home in time to join us.
It's a sad fact that children in one-parent homes tend to suffer calcium deficiency... a natural consequence when dad never comes back from the store with the milk.
My brother was crippled in an accident and his insurance paid for two new prosthetic legs. Problem is, only one of them bends. They were expensive, I know... I suppose there had to be a knee cap.
Johnny Depp may be in his late 50s, but he's the one guy who really could have used an Amber Alert.
I spent ten bucks renting a raccoon costume just so I could take part in game night with the neighbors. Damn... I could have sworn they said Trivial Fur Suit.
Papa shark: "See that big wooden plank up there, boy? If you swim up to it and tip it over, you'll find something good to eat!"
Sonny shark: "What a great contraption, dad! What's the name of that thing?"
Papa shark: "That, son, is what they call a serve board!"
My girlfriend wrote a tune about domestic abuse which she thinks is highly original. Too bad I beat her to it.
Captain Blackbeard wanted to become the richest pirate in the Caribbean, but the booty just wasn't rolling in the way it once did. It's easy to see why he wasn't making a profit anymore... his sails were down.
Throughout my whole life, mom's always been my biggest booster, constantly praising me and encouraging me. Now that I've begun my music career, she's suggested I commission a bust, just in case I become a famous composer like Beethoven or Mozart. It's a sweet thought, but I can't see any reason for it right now... that would be getting ahead of myself.
The early bird gets the worm. The smart bird sleeps in till the bacon and pancakes are ready.
For my 16th birthday, my parents surprised me with a brand new car! I managed to get out of the way just in time, though.
"Daddy, I just heard a word on TV that I don't understand. What does heck mean?"
"It's a place, son. People go there if they don't believe in Gosh."
My buddy gripes that marijuana use makes him constipated. It's one of those rare instances where someone can both shit and get off the pot.
There's a distinct difference between being a wino and being a wine connoisseur. The connoisseur doesn't have to attend any damn meetings.
As the youngest in my family, I was constantly being picked on and beaten up by the oldest. I think it was their way of compensating for not being able to have any more kids.
Q: What can you do for a woman who has two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You already explained it to her twice.
My doctor tells me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss. Hasn't worked for me, though. And I do it seven or eight times a day!
Two parakeets are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says, "Must be Friday. I see we got fish tonight."
I don't know how I can show my face in church anymore! I texted a link to my pastor, thinking it was religion connected... turned out it was for a really raunchy porn site. Hope there weren't any hard feelings.
Brunette: "What the heck happened to you?"
Blonde: "I was on my way here to see you when a huge dog leaped out of the bushes and latched onto my leg! It was terrifying!"
Brunette: "A huge dog was running loose and bit you? That's terrible! Suppose it had been a five year old child instead!"
Blonde: "That's not so scary. I could'a creamed a five year old!"
* * *
Paleontologists have determined that one species of early humans went extinct by wandering too far from their caves and getting lost. That's why so few people today are descended from Meanderthals.
* * *
I found out yesterday that my next-door neighbors are swingers when the husband invited me over for a threesome with his wife. It wasn't as much fun as I'd hoped... maybe next time she'll get home in time to join us.
* * *
It's a sad fact that children in one-parent homes tend to suffer calcium deficiency... a natural consequence when dad never comes back from the store with the milk.
* * *
My brother was crippled in an accident and his insurance paid for two new prosthetic legs. Problem is, only one of them bends. They were expensive, I know... I suppose there had to be a knee cap.
* * *
Johnny Depp may be in his late 50s, but he's the one guy who really could have used an Amber Alert.
* * *
I spent ten bucks renting a raccoon costume just so I could take part in game night with the neighbors. Damn... I could have sworn they said Trivial Fur Suit.
* * *
Papa shark: "See that big wooden plank up there, boy? If you swim up to it and tip it over, you'll find something good to eat!"
Sonny shark: "What a great contraption, dad! What's the name of that thing?"
Papa shark: "That, son, is what they call a serve board!"
* * *
My girlfriend wrote a tune about domestic abuse which she thinks is highly original. Too bad I beat her to it.
* * *
Captain Blackbeard wanted to become the richest pirate in the Caribbean, but the booty just wasn't rolling in the way it once did. It's easy to see why he wasn't making a profit anymore... his sails were down.
* * *
Throughout my whole life, mom's always been my biggest booster, constantly praising me and encouraging me. Now that I've begun my music career, she's suggested I commission a bust, just in case I become a famous composer like Beethoven or Mozart. It's a sweet thought, but I can't see any reason for it right now... that would be getting ahead of myself.
* * *
The early bird gets the worm. The smart bird sleeps in till the bacon and pancakes are ready.
* * *
For my 16th birthday, my parents surprised me with a brand new car! I managed to get out of the way just in time, though.
* * *
"Daddy, I just heard a word on TV that I don't understand. What does heck mean?"
"It's a place, son. People go there if they don't believe in Gosh."
* * *
My buddy gripes that marijuana use makes him constipated. It's one of those rare instances where someone can both shit and get off the pot.
* * *
There's a distinct difference between being a wino and being a wine connoisseur. The connoisseur doesn't have to attend any damn meetings.
* * *
As the youngest in my family, I was constantly being picked on and beaten up by the oldest. I think it was their way of compensating for not being able to have any more kids.
* * *
Q: What can you do for a woman who has two black eyes?
A: Nothing. You already explained it to her twice.
* * *
My doctor tells me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss. Hasn't worked for me, though. And I do it seven or eight times a day!
* * *
Two parakeets are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and says, "Must be Friday. I see we got fish tonight."
* * *
I don't know how I can show my face in church anymore! I texted a link to my pastor, thinking it was religion connected... turned out it was for a really raunchy porn site. Hope there weren't any hard feelings.
* * *
Brunette: "What the heck happened to you?"
Blonde: "I was on my way here to see you when a huge dog leaped out of the bushes and latched onto my leg! It was terrifying!"
Brunette: "A huge dog was running loose and bit you? That's terrible! Suppose it had been a five year old child instead!"
Blonde: "That's not so scary. I could'a creamed a five year old!"
