Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Never draw a right angle beneath a spreading oak tree unless you want it to be 90 degrees in the shade.
According to fringe medical advice, if you direct the wind from a fan directly up your nostrils, you can keep the contents of your skull from overheating. Ever heard that before? I find the information mind blowing!
Psychiatrist: "After our last session, I'm beginning to believe you have a fear of commitment. Can you think of one thing that would prevent you from getting married?"
Patient: "I can't say I do."
My grand uncle and my granddad both fought during World War II. They created such a ruckus in that attic, they were almost caught and drafted.
After the success of "Hamlet", William Shakespeare began work on a prequel. He planned to call it "Piglet".
Last night at the Chinese restaurant, a mallard waddled up to my table and started nuzzling my leg. The bird then hopped up on a chair and started batting its eyes at me.
"Hey!" I hollered at the waiter. "I said I wanted aromatic duck!"
Doctor Frankenstein was puzzled how to obtain the perfect parts for his new creation, so he paid a visit to one of his university professors. He was eager to pick his brain.
In the movie "Ratatouille", the rat Remmy controls the kitchen worker Linguini by hiding under his hat. Not surprisingly, he becomes the head chef.
"I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"But you're the lawyer!"
"That's right. Where's my present?"
My wife and I broke up because I didn't like the way she made eggs. Call me intolerant... it freaked me out that she couldn't bear live young.
You've heard the phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones", right? It should sound familiar... it's the motto of the Indian Army.
Chinese and Indian troops are currently fighting with sticks and rocks. It's like they skipped Nuclear Armageddon and went straight to World War 4.
Customer: (whispering) Hey pal, I'd like to buy some weed.
Seller: (whispering) An ounce?
Customer: (shouting) "HEY PAL, I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED!"
My girlfriend got her brains from her mother and her good looks from her father. Did I happen to mention he's a plastic surgeon?
Bluto won't attack Popeye anymore because he just can't tell whether or not he's purchased spinach. After all, nobody expects the spinach acquisition!
Most important thing to remember about First-Person Shooters: the heroine always wins.
Patient: "I need to make an appointment to see the doctor."
Receptionist: "Well, we have many openings. How about 10 next Tuesday morning?"
Patient: "No thank you. One will be plenty."
Even antagonistic couples have grown closer during the COVID quarantine. Experts are calling it Stuck-Home Syndrome.
Customer: "Which burns longer... the scented or unscented candles?"
Clerk: "Neither, ma'am. They both burn shorter."
It's an interesting fact that milk cattle produce sweet-smelling flatulence. You just can't beat that dairy air!
My uncle is currently resting in peace. He's been doing so ever since his wife died.
Land O' Lakes Butter has removed the Native American lady from their logo on account of cultural insensitivity. The lakes may be gone too, but don't worry... they're keeping the land.
* * *
According to fringe medical advice, if you direct the wind from a fan directly up your nostrils, you can keep the contents of your skull from overheating. Ever heard that before? I find the information mind blowing!
* * *
Psychiatrist: "After our last session, I'm beginning to believe you have a fear of commitment. Can you think of one thing that would prevent you from getting married?"
Patient: "I can't say I do."
* * *
My grand uncle and my granddad both fought during World War II. They created such a ruckus in that attic, they were almost caught and drafted.
* * *
After the success of "Hamlet", William Shakespeare began work on a prequel. He planned to call it "Piglet".
* * *
Last night at the Chinese restaurant, a mallard waddled up to my table and started nuzzling my leg. The bird then hopped up on a chair and started batting its eyes at me.
"Hey!" I hollered at the waiter. "I said I wanted aromatic duck!"
* * *
Doctor Frankenstein was puzzled how to obtain the perfect parts for his new creation, so he paid a visit to one of his university professors. He was eager to pick his brain.
* * *
In the movie "Ratatouille", the rat Remmy controls the kitchen worker Linguini by hiding under his hat. Not surprisingly, he becomes the head chef.
* * *
"I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present."
"But you're the lawyer!"
"That's right. Where's my present?"
* * *
My wife and I broke up because I didn't like the way she made eggs. Call me intolerant... it freaked me out that she couldn't bear live young.
* * *
You've heard the phrase, "Sticks and stones may break my bones", right? It should sound familiar... it's the motto of the Indian Army.
* * *
Chinese and Indian troops are currently fighting with sticks and rocks. It's like they skipped Nuclear Armageddon and went straight to World War 4.
* * *
Customer: (whispering) Hey pal, I'd like to buy some weed.
Seller: (whispering) An ounce?
Customer: (shouting) "HEY PAL, I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME WEED!"
* * *
My girlfriend got her brains from her mother and her good looks from her father. Did I happen to mention he's a plastic surgeon?
* * *
Bluto won't attack Popeye anymore because he just can't tell whether or not he's purchased spinach. After all, nobody expects the spinach acquisition!
* * *
Most important thing to remember about First-Person Shooters: the heroine always wins.
* * *
Patient: "I need to make an appointment to see the doctor."
Receptionist: "Well, we have many openings. How about 10 next Tuesday morning?"
Patient: "No thank you. One will be plenty."
* * *
Even antagonistic couples have grown closer during the COVID quarantine. Experts are calling it Stuck-Home Syndrome.
* * *
Customer: "Which burns longer... the scented or unscented candles?"
Clerk: "Neither, ma'am. They both burn shorter."
* * *
It's an interesting fact that milk cattle produce sweet-smelling flatulence. You just can't beat that dairy air!
* * *
My uncle is currently resting in peace. He's been doing so ever since his wife died.
* * *
Land O' Lakes Butter has removed the Native American lady from their logo on account of cultural insensitivity. The lakes may be gone too, but don't worry... they're keeping the land.
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