Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I'm writing a brand new novel, the title of which will be "The Raging Storm". So far, it's just a draft in development.
If you want a sound night's sleep, switch to Pakistani food! You'll nod off as soon as you hit the pilau!
When Brits gripe about their lousy weather, they need to look to the Royals first! From what I hear, Queen Elizabeth II rained there for over 70 years!
Brunette: "What a night I just had! You know my boyfriend Josh... he all of a sudden tells me he has a split personality and isn't Josh anymore! He's now Francis!"
Blonde: "Well, that ought to make you happy! You said you always wanted him to be Frank with you!"
Damn, I hate the Zombie Apocalypse! Here I am, locked securely inside trying to sleep, while those bastard undeads crowd around the compound, incessantly moaning, "Brains... brains... brains..."! Inconsiderate jerks! I'm tempted to march out there and give 'em a piece of my mind!
"I just killed a spider in my house with a shotgun."
"Good God! Was that really necessary?"
"Of course it was! Who wants to be stalked by a heavily armed spider?"
Since I'm now a home vintner, I've become a big advocate for having wine at every meal. Sometimes when I'm feeling peaked, I'll even have a bit of food with it.
Q: When Putin goes to his favorite restaurant, what does he normally order?
A: Executions.
I made a red velvet cake for my wife's birthday, but after just one bite she was disgusted! What a waste of time and fabric!
Blonde #1: "Our Biology teacher says that trees are living things, just like us. I must say, I don't believe that... if trees are just like us, how come they don't poop?"
Blonde #2. "But they do poop! How else did you think we get #2 pencils?"
Everybody at work went to our team leader's funeral. Not because anyone liked him, but because we wanted to show him who was thinking outside the box.
Issac Asimov had plans for a sequel to his classic book "I, Robot". This follow-up would deal with a new line of aquatic mechanicals being built in Germany. The title would have been, "You, Boat".
I'm finally earning money again. It's shift work at a clock factory: the guy in day shift makes the numbers 1-4, I have swing shift and make the numbers 5-8, the guy doing graveyard makes the numbers 9-12, and after everything's done the manager puts them all together. This may not sound terribly exciting and it isn't, but I work only 3 days a week... it's a part-time job.
Most dogs are content with just passing obedience school, but not pit bulls. They go after their masters.
My sister was supposed to do 3 months in jail, but got out the moment she was done menstruating. The sheriff understood that a period is used to end a sentence.
Q: What is a Stormtrooper's favorite retail outlet?
A: The one right next to Target.
Q: Sometimes a blood clot in the brain will paralyze the right side of a person's body; sometimes it paralyzes the left. How do you explain this phenomenon?
A: Different strokes for different folks.
Q: Why was Hitler never able to kill Churchill with his V-2 rockets?
A: His calculations were always 8 off.
Emperor Caligula made his horse Incitatus a senator. What a mistake that was... the damn nag never helped pass any legislation. Every time the magistrate called for a vote, he invariably blurted out, "Neigh!"
He: "Hook up with me and you'll never have to worry about gettin' pregnant! I'm different from normal guys, babe... I was born in a test tube!"
She: "Do you really have to be so vial?"
Selling drugs throughout grade school really helped me with high school chemistry. I was the only one who knew what grams were.
Blonde: "Dang it! I had ta spend 10 bucks to get these crummy seeds, just for one of my crummy class assignments!"
Brunette: "Botany?"
Blonde: "Yeah, dummy, I just told you! 10 bucks worth!"
* * *
If you want a sound night's sleep, switch to Pakistani food! You'll nod off as soon as you hit the pilau!
* * *
When Brits gripe about their lousy weather, they need to look to the Royals first! From what I hear, Queen Elizabeth II rained there for over 70 years!
* * *
Brunette: "What a night I just had! You know my boyfriend Josh... he all of a sudden tells me he has a split personality and isn't Josh anymore! He's now Francis!"
Blonde: "Well, that ought to make you happy! You said you always wanted him to be Frank with you!"
* * *
Damn, I hate the Zombie Apocalypse! Here I am, locked securely inside trying to sleep, while those bastard undeads crowd around the compound, incessantly moaning, "Brains... brains... brains..."! Inconsiderate jerks! I'm tempted to march out there and give 'em a piece of my mind!
* * *
"I just killed a spider in my house with a shotgun."
"Good God! Was that really necessary?"
"Of course it was! Who wants to be stalked by a heavily armed spider?"
* * *
Since I'm now a home vintner, I've become a big advocate for having wine at every meal. Sometimes when I'm feeling peaked, I'll even have a bit of food with it.
* * *
Q: When Putin goes to his favorite restaurant, what does he normally order?
A: Executions.
* * *
I made a red velvet cake for my wife's birthday, but after just one bite she was disgusted! What a waste of time and fabric!
* * *
Blonde #1: "Our Biology teacher says that trees are living things, just like us. I must say, I don't believe that... if trees are just like us, how come they don't poop?"
Blonde #2. "But they do poop! How else did you think we get #2 pencils?"
* * *
Everybody at work went to our team leader's funeral. Not because anyone liked him, but because we wanted to show him who was thinking outside the box.
* * *
Issac Asimov had plans for a sequel to his classic book "I, Robot". This follow-up would deal with a new line of aquatic mechanicals being built in Germany. The title would have been, "You, Boat".
* * *
I'm finally earning money again. It's shift work at a clock factory: the guy in day shift makes the numbers 1-4, I have swing shift and make the numbers 5-8, the guy doing graveyard makes the numbers 9-12, and after everything's done the manager puts them all together. This may not sound terribly exciting and it isn't, but I work only 3 days a week... it's a part-time job.
* * *
Most dogs are content with just passing obedience school, but not pit bulls. They go after their masters.
* * *
My sister was supposed to do 3 months in jail, but got out the moment she was done menstruating. The sheriff understood that a period is used to end a sentence.
* * *
Q: What is a Stormtrooper's favorite retail outlet?
A: The one right next to Target.
* * *
Q: Sometimes a blood clot in the brain will paralyze the right side of a person's body; sometimes it paralyzes the left. How do you explain this phenomenon?
A: Different strokes for different folks.
* * *
Q: Why was Hitler never able to kill Churchill with his V-2 rockets?
A: His calculations were always 8 off.
* * *
Emperor Caligula made his horse Incitatus a senator. What a mistake that was... the damn nag never helped pass any legislation. Every time the magistrate called for a vote, he invariably blurted out, "Neigh!"
* * *
He: "Hook up with me and you'll never have to worry about gettin' pregnant! I'm different from normal guys, babe... I was born in a test tube!"
She: "Do you really have to be so vial?"
* * *
Selling drugs throughout grade school really helped me with high school chemistry. I was the only one who knew what grams were.
* * *
Blonde: "Dang it! I had ta spend 10 bucks to get these crummy seeds, just for one of my crummy class assignments!"
Brunette: "Botany?"
Blonde: "Yeah, dummy, I just told you! 10 bucks worth!"
