Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
At the end of "Avengers-Infinity War", Thor sinks his ax into Thanos' chest. Most viewers assumed that this was an attempt to kill him, but I contend that the thunder god actually wanted to determine if the alien tyrant was a war hero. He was looking for his Purple Heart.
My favorite treat: frozen apples! They're hardcore!
A canary flies into a bar, looks around disappointedly and begins to leave.
"Nothing I can do for you, huh?" the bartender queries.
"Nope," the bird replies. "This place looked a lot seedier on the outside."
Nowadays, people in Russia have many entertainment choices. They can even get Netflix. It wasn't nearly that good when the Soviets were in charge... back then, it was nyetflix.
He: "Wow, I've been transferred! Our company's taking over a business in Madrid and they want me to be in charge. What a surprise!"
She: "Of course it is. No one expects the Spanish acquisition."
What do you hope for when the home of an agoraphobic person catches fire?
That one or the other of them goes out.
Chuck Norris and Superman had a bet about which one of them could beat up the other. The loser had to wear his underpants on the outside.
Woody and Buzz once met with a pair of Andy's mom's toys. Interestingly, they had the exact same names.
I emptied out my entire bank account to feed my drug habit. Worst withdrawal symptoms yet.
The introduction of a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
"I once ate my friend's lunch."
... as opposed to...
"I once ate my friend's colon."
My pet octopus is getting too fat. I'm going to have to put him on a low-crab diet.
Brunette: "I just got through shopping at Whole Foods."
Blonde: "Great! I could really use a donut!"
Now that I'm married, I find that I have a lot of trouble falling asleep right after sex. I still have that long drive back home, y'know.
When you pass away, all your body functions stop immediately... all except for the pupils of your eyes. They dilate.
Geppetto went into the enchanted forest one day to cut some wood. He approached a fine looking sapling and raised his ax, when a voice cried out, "Don't chop me, Geppetto! I'm a magic talking tree!"
"Ah!" Geppetto mused. "Dialogue!"
On my last flight, I ended up right alongside a 6-month old baby. Jesus, five straight hours of blubbering and balling... I woke that poor kid up constantly.
Which dinosaur ate with its tail?
All of them. Did you think they removed it at mealtime?
When I was young and reckless, I once shot up a bank. Yeah, the river water was that cold!
Airport security has done a great job lately, insuring that no potential terrorists are smuggling bombs inside their clothing. You really have to take your hats off to them!
She: "Here's a list of all the places I want us to go on our 32nd wedding anniversary."
He: "How the heck do you think we can do any of this stuff in half a minute?"
Turning a negative into a positive is a great work ethic. Unless, of course, you happen to be an electrician.
My therapist advised me to deal with my rage by writing savage letters to all the people I hate, then burning them. And you know what? It's working out fine! The only drawback... what am I supposed to do with all this returned mail?
* * *
My favorite treat: frozen apples! They're hardcore!
* * *
A canary flies into a bar, looks around disappointedly and begins to leave.
"Nothing I can do for you, huh?" the bartender queries.
"Nope," the bird replies. "This place looked a lot seedier on the outside."
* * *
Nowadays, people in Russia have many entertainment choices. They can even get Netflix. It wasn't nearly that good when the Soviets were in charge... back then, it was nyetflix.
* * *
He: "Wow, I've been transferred! Our company's taking over a business in Madrid and they want me to be in charge. What a surprise!"
She: "Of course it is. No one expects the Spanish acquisition."
* * *
What do you hope for when the home of an agoraphobic person catches fire?
That one or the other of them goes out.
* * *
Chuck Norris and Superman had a bet about which one of them could beat up the other. The loser had to wear his underpants on the outside.
* * *
Woody and Buzz once met with a pair of Andy's mom's toys. Interestingly, they had the exact same names.
* * *
I emptied out my entire bank account to feed my drug habit. Worst withdrawal symptoms yet.
* * *
The introduction of a colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
"I once ate my friend's lunch."
... as opposed to...
"I once ate my friend's colon."
* * *
My pet octopus is getting too fat. I'm going to have to put him on a low-crab diet.
* * *
Brunette: "I just got through shopping at Whole Foods."
Blonde: "Great! I could really use a donut!"
* * *
Now that I'm married, I find that I have a lot of trouble falling asleep right after sex. I still have that long drive back home, y'know.
* * *
When you pass away, all your body functions stop immediately... all except for the pupils of your eyes. They dilate.
* * *
Geppetto went into the enchanted forest one day to cut some wood. He approached a fine looking sapling and raised his ax, when a voice cried out, "Don't chop me, Geppetto! I'm a magic talking tree!"
"Ah!" Geppetto mused. "Dialogue!"
* * *
On my last flight, I ended up right alongside a 6-month old baby. Jesus, five straight hours of blubbering and balling... I woke that poor kid up constantly.
* * *
Which dinosaur ate with its tail?
All of them. Did you think they removed it at mealtime?
* * *
When I was young and reckless, I once shot up a bank. Yeah, the river water was that cold!
* * *
Airport security has done a great job lately, insuring that no potential terrorists are smuggling bombs inside their clothing. You really have to take your hats off to them!
* * *
She: "Here's a list of all the places I want us to go on our 32nd wedding anniversary."
He: "How the heck do you think we can do any of this stuff in half a minute?"
* * *
Turning a negative into a positive is a great work ethic. Unless, of course, you happen to be an electrician.
* * *
My therapist advised me to deal with my rage by writing savage letters to all the people I hate, then burning them. And you know what? It's working out fine! The only drawback... what am I supposed to do with all this returned mail?
