Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
The birth control pill is still an important tool for preventing pregnancy. In terms of effectiveness, it's the second most important thing you can swallow.
People can get hooked to some awfully odd things; I, personally, am addicted to apples, being compelled to eat at least one each day. The biggest problem is that I can't see a doctor about it.
A clove of garlic a day keeps everyone away.
I took my girlfriend out last night; seems that she's a sucker for a right cross.
"The day hasn't been a total waste! Just look how nice the weather is!": one mayfly to another.
My doctor tells me I should be sleeping with my feet elevated above my heart. Not sure why, but I'll try it out if I feel so inclined.
Q: What is the simplest way to get to Golgotha?
A: Do as Jesus did: use the crosswalk.
My wife died last month, her body badly burned in a fire. Her funeral proved to be quite upsetting... I'd hoped to save at least 50% on the cremation.
Pilot: "Hello passengers. This is just to inform you that we're all going to die."
Passengers: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
Pilot: "... eventually. When that day will be, no one knows."
Passengers: "Whew!"
Pilot: "But most likely it'll happen right after we crash into this mountain."
It's been my dream to write a book devoted to beer; now I'm finally doing it! Am currently working on my fourth draft!
Blonde: "I've never been to England before! Can you tell me what part you're from?"
Bloke: "Norfolk. You?"
Blonde: "Well if that isn't rude! I'm never coming back here again!"
My car stopped working right after I replaced all the sidewalls. I guess it didn't feel the need once it was retired.
Q: Is there any such thing as a psychic blonde?
A: Nope. They're all read heads.
Today I saw a blonde riding a bicycle which I thought might be mine. So I rushed home to check, but no... mine's still tied to the bed.
David Koresh's whole compound went up in flames, but he took the loss stoically. It was the price he had to pay for keeping up with the Joneses.
I had a loving family, a nice house and a good car... until I got involved with drugs. Now I have a yacht and a private island too.
She: "Granddad, did you ever bust a move?"
He: "Yeah, honey... busted 'em both during the war. That's why I can't dance."
Breaking news: terrorists have taken over the Senate! They're threatening to release a senator every half hour until their demands are met!
Dad's final request was for me to hold his hand while he was dying. Call me cold hearted, but I refused... there's only so far you can humor a condemned man in the electric chair.
"I'd like one medium pepperoni pizza, please."
"Yes sir. We'll start making it now."
"Will it be long?"
"As long as it is wide. They're round, you know."
Interviewer: "Don't you think your profession is unnecessarily dangerous?"
Daredevil: "Dangerous? Why, I can count the number devastating accidents I've had on zero hands!"
Joe was quite concerned about the debate. To reassure him, Jill gave him some words of comfort, but they didn't work as well as she had hoped: "Relax, dear. Everything will be all right."
* * *
People can get hooked to some awfully odd things; I, personally, am addicted to apples, being compelled to eat at least one each day. The biggest problem is that I can't see a doctor about it.
* * *
A clove of garlic a day keeps everyone away.
* * *
I took my girlfriend out last night; seems that she's a sucker for a right cross.
* * *
"The day hasn't been a total waste! Just look how nice the weather is!": one mayfly to another.
* * *
My doctor tells me I should be sleeping with my feet elevated above my heart. Not sure why, but I'll try it out if I feel so inclined.
* * *
Q: What is the simplest way to get to Golgotha?
A: Do as Jesus did: use the crosswalk.
* * *
My wife died last month, her body badly burned in a fire. Her funeral proved to be quite upsetting... I'd hoped to save at least 50% on the cremation.
* * *
Pilot: "Hello passengers. This is just to inform you that we're all going to die."
Passengers: "Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"
Pilot: "... eventually. When that day will be, no one knows."
Passengers: "Whew!"
Pilot: "But most likely it'll happen right after we crash into this mountain."
* * *
It's been my dream to write a book devoted to beer; now I'm finally doing it! Am currently working on my fourth draft!
* * *
Blonde: "I've never been to England before! Can you tell me what part you're from?"
Bloke: "Norfolk. You?"
Blonde: "Well if that isn't rude! I'm never coming back here again!"
* * *
My car stopped working right after I replaced all the sidewalls. I guess it didn't feel the need once it was retired.
* * *
Q: Is there any such thing as a psychic blonde?
A: Nope. They're all read heads.
* * *
Today I saw a blonde riding a bicycle which I thought might be mine. So I rushed home to check, but no... mine's still tied to the bed.
* * *
David Koresh's whole compound went up in flames, but he took the loss stoically. It was the price he had to pay for keeping up with the Joneses.
* * *
I had a loving family, a nice house and a good car... until I got involved with drugs. Now I have a yacht and a private island too.
* * *
She: "Granddad, did you ever bust a move?"
He: "Yeah, honey... busted 'em both during the war. That's why I can't dance."
* * *
Breaking news: terrorists have taken over the Senate! They're threatening to release a senator every half hour until their demands are met!
* * *
Dad's final request was for me to hold his hand while he was dying. Call me cold hearted, but I refused... there's only so far you can humor a condemned man in the electric chair.
* * *
"I'd like one medium pepperoni pizza, please."
"Yes sir. We'll start making it now."
"Will it be long?"
"As long as it is wide. They're round, you know."
* * *
Interviewer: "Don't you think your profession is unnecessarily dangerous?"
Daredevil: "Dangerous? Why, I can count the number devastating accidents I've had on zero hands!"
* * *
Joe was quite concerned about the debate. To reassure him, Jill gave him some words of comfort, but they didn't work as well as she had hoped: "Relax, dear. Everything will be all right."
