Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
My sister's considered getting into prostitution. A lot of guys find her personality pleasant; I think she's absolutely *****-able.
Legoland will be re-opening soon! People will be lined up for blocks!
I've just gone to work for a janitorial company. Being new, they've stuck we with the worst job: clearing the lint and waste out of vacuum bags. I never knew I could hate vacuums so much... they suck to clean.
While the theater's down for repairs, our local Comedy Club is performing at the town's mortuary. A lot of people will be showing up... it's Open Mike Night.
I've tried to get my brother to join his school's Geology Club, but so far he's refused. Frankly, I don't think he has the stones.
I then tried to get him interested in the Bilderberg Group, but they wouldn't let him in because he was clutching a stuffed toy animal. He thought it was the Build-a-Bear Group.
Pouring milk into your espresso can be tricky. Stop before it's too latte!
My guide dog seems to think I'm faking my condition. He hasn't growled at me or anything, but he has a very distrustful look on his face.
Q: Could I woman become president of Russia?
A: No. Putin isn't female.
I often have trouble peeing first thing in the morning. It's just too hard.
"Sir, we've just got in a shipment of Fruit Loops soda. Would you be interested in purchasing any?"
"Yes. I'd like two cans."
I've never seen it before, but I plan to watch that old TV show about yard care, the one starring Sam Waterston. You know which one I mean: "Lawn Order".
In the Big Cat family, lions are more honorable than tigers. Lon won't ever cheat on his mate; tiger would.
I accidentally used Crazy Glue on my daughter instead of Visine and had to rush her to the hospital. I'd never been in the Children's Ward before; it was an eye-opening experience.
Q: How can you determine the alcohol content of rum cake?
A: The proof is in the pudding.
I always make sure to try the free samples before I purchase anything new... I'm buy curious.
It only takes one schizophrenic to change a light bulb: one to replace the bulb and one to hold the ladder.
My wife asked me which of her girlfriends I'd choose if I was contemplating a threesome. Damn it, she never said I was only supposed to choose one!
I can't vacation in Europe this year because of coronavirus. In all previous years, it was because of poverty.
I make my bed every single morning. I have to... I'm a terribly restless sleeper.
I just donated $10,000 to an LGBT awareness group. With all that cash, I'm certain they'll soon find a cure!
A middle-aged couple are lying in bed together. The woman turns nervously to her husband and asks, "Tom... would you ever consider adoption?"
"Jesus!" he shouts, startled. "Don't tell me I finally got you pregnant?"
* * *
Legoland will be re-opening soon! People will be lined up for blocks!
* * *
I've just gone to work for a janitorial company. Being new, they've stuck we with the worst job: clearing the lint and waste out of vacuum bags. I never knew I could hate vacuums so much... they suck to clean.
* * *
While the theater's down for repairs, our local Comedy Club is performing at the town's mortuary. A lot of people will be showing up... it's Open Mike Night.
* * *
I've tried to get my brother to join his school's Geology Club, but so far he's refused. Frankly, I don't think he has the stones.
* * *
I then tried to get him interested in the Bilderberg Group, but they wouldn't let him in because he was clutching a stuffed toy animal. He thought it was the Build-a-Bear Group.
* * *
Pouring milk into your espresso can be tricky. Stop before it's too latte!
* * *
My guide dog seems to think I'm faking my condition. He hasn't growled at me or anything, but he has a very distrustful look on his face.
* * *
Q: Could I woman become president of Russia?
A: No. Putin isn't female.
* * *
I often have trouble peeing first thing in the morning. It's just too hard.
* * *
"Sir, we've just got in a shipment of Fruit Loops soda. Would you be interested in purchasing any?"
"Yes. I'd like two cans."
* * *
I've never seen it before, but I plan to watch that old TV show about yard care, the one starring Sam Waterston. You know which one I mean: "Lawn Order".
* * *
In the Big Cat family, lions are more honorable than tigers. Lon won't ever cheat on his mate; tiger would.
* * *
I accidentally used Crazy Glue on my daughter instead of Visine and had to rush her to the hospital. I'd never been in the Children's Ward before; it was an eye-opening experience.
* * *
Q: How can you determine the alcohol content of rum cake?
A: The proof is in the pudding.
* * *
I always make sure to try the free samples before I purchase anything new... I'm buy curious.
* * *
It only takes one schizophrenic to change a light bulb: one to replace the bulb and one to hold the ladder.
* * *
My wife asked me which of her girlfriends I'd choose if I was contemplating a threesome. Damn it, she never said I was only supposed to choose one!
* * *
I can't vacation in Europe this year because of coronavirus. In all previous years, it was because of poverty.
* * *
I make my bed every single morning. I have to... I'm a terribly restless sleeper.
* * *
I just donated $10,000 to an LGBT awareness group. With all that cash, I'm certain they'll soon find a cure!
* * *
A middle-aged couple are lying in bed together. The woman turns nervously to her husband and asks, "Tom... would you ever consider adoption?"
"Jesus!" he shouts, startled. "Don't tell me I finally got you pregnant?"
