Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
My PlayStation broke down today. It's no good trying to cheer me up; I cannot be consoled.
She: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
He: "I sure do, Fatso!"
As a commercial photographer working in advertising, it's my job to present products in the best possible way. It's therefore vexing to me that I have so much trouble taking pictures of breakfast cereal. No matter what I do, the subject turns out grainy.
Believer: "What do I have to do to turn you from atheist to a theist?"
Doubter: "Just give me a little space."
My girlfriend's dad is so super strict, he's gone to great lengths to make sure we never sleep together. Which is fine with me; I don't find him attractive in the slightest.
Brunette: "Why do you always have to be so dumb?"
Blonde: "It comes from childhood trauma. When I was born, I had a twin sister. One night, mom was bathing us in the tub and had to leave... turns out one of us drowned. We were so much alike, I've never been sure which one of us it was."
My former wife had a special way of lighting up a room... she'd start by torching the carpet by the main entryway so it couldn't be used as an exit.
The guy who owns the haunted mansion next door has been down in the dumps. Yesterday he had an elevator installed... he thought it might help lift his spirits.
Pop died last week. We hadn't been close for quite awhile... just as well, as he stepped on a land mine.
It's one thing to own your own home... but to own two homes? That's two things!
Man, why didn't I become an astronaut! It'd be so cool to work on the International Space Station; I love no-pressure jobs!
The tortoise could never beat the hare in a hundred yard dash, so challenged him to a 26 mile marathon. Turned out he was better off in the long run.
My wife loves to eat at the buffet, but we don't go often because I find it intimidating. Sorry... I just can't help myself.
Cupcake to frosting: "Let's get together! I'm muffin without you!"
My cousin, a personal injury attorney, broke his nose a couple of days ago. The ambulance came to an unexpected stop.
Pizza making, rule #1: when the cheese starts to turn red, better stop grating.
I just don't understand why any man would be in favor of polygamy. It's already too much effort trying to keep one woman dissatisfied.
If you're in a tennis game and neighbors start complaining about the noise, play hand ball instead: much less racket.
Every night this week, all night long, some idiot has been standing on the street corner calling out the time. "12:00 and all's well!"... "12:15 and all's well!"... "12:30 and all's well!". On and on until the break of dawn! Damn neighborhood watch!
Genie: "State your wish! Anything you desire can be yours!"
Guy: "That's easy! I want a girlfriend who'll take my breath away!"
Genie: "Yes Master! One inflatable doll, coming right up!"
One of my sister's girlfriends has a long-distance romance with some feller from London town. Wal, last week he come here to the USA fer a visit and I caught him in bed with his intended's mammy. He says mum's the word... glad he let me know so I could tell her right.
Brunette: "Damn! Another crazy cat lady. So sad."
Blonde: "Crazy cat lady? What's that mean?"
Brunette: "Oh, you've surely seen one... those gals who've never gotten married, don't have any family, so fight their loneliness by adopting dozens of stray kitties. It usually happens about the time they hit age fifty."
Blonde: "Oho, around age fifty, huh? I always wondered what it meant to get many paws!"
* * *
She: "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"
He: "I sure do, Fatso!"
* * *
As a commercial photographer working in advertising, it's my job to present products in the best possible way. It's therefore vexing to me that I have so much trouble taking pictures of breakfast cereal. No matter what I do, the subject turns out grainy.
* * *
Believer: "What do I have to do to turn you from atheist to a theist?"
Doubter: "Just give me a little space."
* * *
My girlfriend's dad is so super strict, he's gone to great lengths to make sure we never sleep together. Which is fine with me; I don't find him attractive in the slightest.
* * *
Brunette: "Why do you always have to be so dumb?"
Blonde: "It comes from childhood trauma. When I was born, I had a twin sister. One night, mom was bathing us in the tub and had to leave... turns out one of us drowned. We were so much alike, I've never been sure which one of us it was."
* * *
My former wife had a special way of lighting up a room... she'd start by torching the carpet by the main entryway so it couldn't be used as an exit.
* * *
The guy who owns the haunted mansion next door has been down in the dumps. Yesterday he had an elevator installed... he thought it might help lift his spirits.
* * *
Pop died last week. We hadn't been close for quite awhile... just as well, as he stepped on a land mine.
* * *
It's one thing to own your own home... but to own two homes? That's two things!
* * *
Man, why didn't I become an astronaut! It'd be so cool to work on the International Space Station; I love no-pressure jobs!
* * *
The tortoise could never beat the hare in a hundred yard dash, so challenged him to a 26 mile marathon. Turned out he was better off in the long run.
* * *
My wife loves to eat at the buffet, but we don't go often because I find it intimidating. Sorry... I just can't help myself.
* * *
Cupcake to frosting: "Let's get together! I'm muffin without you!"
* * *
My cousin, a personal injury attorney, broke his nose a couple of days ago. The ambulance came to an unexpected stop.
* * *
Pizza making, rule #1: when the cheese starts to turn red, better stop grating.
* * *
I just don't understand why any man would be in favor of polygamy. It's already too much effort trying to keep one woman dissatisfied.
* * *
If you're in a tennis game and neighbors start complaining about the noise, play hand ball instead: much less racket.
* * *
Every night this week, all night long, some idiot has been standing on the street corner calling out the time. "12:00 and all's well!"... "12:15 and all's well!"... "12:30 and all's well!". On and on until the break of dawn! Damn neighborhood watch!
* * *
Genie: "State your wish! Anything you desire can be yours!"
Guy: "That's easy! I want a girlfriend who'll take my breath away!"
Genie: "Yes Master! One inflatable doll, coming right up!"
* * *
One of my sister's girlfriends has a long-distance romance with some feller from London town. Wal, last week he come here to the USA fer a visit and I caught him in bed with his intended's mammy. He says mum's the word... glad he let me know so I could tell her right.
* * *
Brunette: "Damn! Another crazy cat lady. So sad."
Blonde: "Crazy cat lady? What's that mean?"
Brunette: "Oh, you've surely seen one... those gals who've never gotten married, don't have any family, so fight their loneliness by adopting dozens of stray kitties. It usually happens about the time they hit age fifty."
Blonde: "Oho, around age fifty, huh? I always wondered what it meant to get many paws!"
