Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
The average American male's waist size is 40 inches, while the average American female's waist size is 38 inches. That's fitting!
My wife insisted that we go on a "once in a lifetime" vacation. Lord, never again...
Our local IHOP is serving defective pancakes covered with square, deep depressions. How waffle!
The manual that came with my new stereo says never to play it a full volume. That's sound advice.
I'm completely worn out from my plumbing job; it's draining.
The release of Christopher Nolan's film Tenet has been put on hold, but that's nothing new. Seems like we've been waiting since Inception.
Be very careful that the guy you hire for the graveyard shift isn't a vampire. They always suck at their work.
I've taken up the sport of fencing and I love it! It makes other forms of exercise seem pointless!
I use a pair of different deodorants, one for each armpit. You can always rely on me to put in my two scents.
When the cop stopped me I instantly whipped out my 9 mm. He laughed hysterically and sited me for indecent exposure.
A series of smaller waterways converge to form the mighty Nile River. These tributaries are known as the Juveniles.
Every time I tell one of these stupid jokes, I feel like I want to vomit. Doctors call that the gag reflex.
Father: "Billy, how dare you swear like that before your grandmother!"
Son: "Sorry Dad. No one told me it was her turn."
Believe it or not, I beat the state chess champion during a match. All those clever moves were useless against a baseball bat!
"Threatening to fight me, eh? Well I am not deterred!"
"I never said I wanted to fight you! And no one here called you a turd!"
Getting my new $1000 drone stuck in a treetop wasn't the worst thing that happened to me this week. But it's definitely up there.
She: "Look over in that field... a herd of jackasses."
He: "Hmmph! Relatives of yours?"
She: "Yep. In-laws."
Repainting my house during he summer months is necessary because it has to be done when the weather's dry. Seriously though, I think I'm gonna pass out from the heat. The instructions on the paint can's to blame... they say I need to put on two coats.
I told the salesperson I wanted full length jeans, but when I got 'em home I found out they were only knee-highs. I intend to give him a piece of my mind; he'll learn not to sell me short!
Q: Which Tom Hanks train line has the passengers so wired up they can't sit still?
A: The Polar Espresso.
I tried to make three copies with my brand new printer and was pleasantly surprised to hear music coming from the machine. Turns out I shouldn't have been so happy; it was the paper jamming.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, wearing his COVID mask, threw out the first pitch at the Nationals/Yankees game Thursday night. It was ten feet outside the strike zone and dribbled to the ground well before reaching home plate, but that was to be expected: Dr. Fauci doesn't want anyone to catch anything.
* * *
My wife insisted that we go on a "once in a lifetime" vacation. Lord, never again...
* * *
Our local IHOP is serving defective pancakes covered with square, deep depressions. How waffle!
* * *
The manual that came with my new stereo says never to play it a full volume. That's sound advice.
* * *
I'm completely worn out from my plumbing job; it's draining.
* * *
The release of Christopher Nolan's film Tenet has been put on hold, but that's nothing new. Seems like we've been waiting since Inception.
* * *
Be very careful that the guy you hire for the graveyard shift isn't a vampire. They always suck at their work.
* * *
I've taken up the sport of fencing and I love it! It makes other forms of exercise seem pointless!
* * *
I use a pair of different deodorants, one for each armpit. You can always rely on me to put in my two scents.
* * *
When the cop stopped me I instantly whipped out my 9 mm. He laughed hysterically and sited me for indecent exposure.
* * *
A series of smaller waterways converge to form the mighty Nile River. These tributaries are known as the Juveniles.
* * *
Every time I tell one of these stupid jokes, I feel like I want to vomit. Doctors call that the gag reflex.
* * *
Father: "Billy, how dare you swear like that before your grandmother!"
Son: "Sorry Dad. No one told me it was her turn."
* * *
Believe it or not, I beat the state chess champion during a match. All those clever moves were useless against a baseball bat!
* * *
"Threatening to fight me, eh? Well I am not deterred!"
"I never said I wanted to fight you! And no one here called you a turd!"
* * *
Getting my new $1000 drone stuck in a treetop wasn't the worst thing that happened to me this week. But it's definitely up there.
* * *
She: "Look over in that field... a herd of jackasses."
He: "Hmmph! Relatives of yours?"
She: "Yep. In-laws."
* * *
Repainting my house during he summer months is necessary because it has to be done when the weather's dry. Seriously though, I think I'm gonna pass out from the heat. The instructions on the paint can's to blame... they say I need to put on two coats.
* * *
I told the salesperson I wanted full length jeans, but when I got 'em home I found out they were only knee-highs. I intend to give him a piece of my mind; he'll learn not to sell me short!
* * *
Q: Which Tom Hanks train line has the passengers so wired up they can't sit still?
A: The Polar Espresso.
* * *
I tried to make three copies with my brand new printer and was pleasantly surprised to hear music coming from the machine. Turns out I shouldn't have been so happy; it was the paper jamming.
* * *
Dr. Anthony Fauci, wearing his COVID mask, threw out the first pitch at the Nationals/Yankees game Thursday night. It was ten feet outside the strike zone and dribbled to the ground well before reaching home plate, but that was to be expected: Dr. Fauci doesn't want anyone to catch anything.
