Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
My mom said I should get a toilet brush for my apartment, so I did. Jesus, what a mistake! I'm going back to toilet paper!
Comic Sans walks into a bar.
"Get out!" growls the bartender. "We don't serve your type!"
My blind date told me she wanted to have sex in the back of my car. It was bad enough taking her to her boyfriend's house, but I really got annoyed when she insisted I driver 'em around for half an hour.
"My sister has her very own line of clothes."
"Wow! She's been incredibly successful!"
"Humph! Not successful enough to get the drier fixed."
My cat doesn't like being held and I thought the vet understood that. Even so, I guess I should have been more careful when I asked him to put her down.
Hear about the hipster who became a cemetery technician? He really digs graves.
I've been reading about the drawbacks of drinking, smoking and having wild sex, and it's taught me a valuable lesson about abstinence. I've decided to give up reading.
Never apply for any job that has you digging post holes all day... it's boring.
The cop who stopped me going 50 in the school zone must have had Alzheimer's! The first thing he said when I rolled down the window was, "Have you got any idea why I pulled you over?"
I just got a special tattoo to let my girlfriend know she can count one me. It reads: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a best friend?
You can always count on a best friend to give you a little space.
Yesterday at the beach, my wife got stung on the leg by a jellyfish. She begged me to pee on it to stop the pain, so I did. Man, the sight of that urine-soaked jellyfish must have been satisfying!
A good time girl sauntered up to me at the bar last night and asked, "Are you game?"
"You bet I am!" I replied enthusiastically.
So she shot me.
For the costume party, my wife wanted us to dress up as characters from "Sausage Party". I went along with it though I didn't much like the idea... it was humiliating, to be Frank.
I showed the remnants of my luggage to an attorney when I contemplated suing the airline, but he turned me down. He didn't see much of a case.
Looking for a stud? I've got STD... all I need is U!
Q: How much do individual s'mores weigh?
A: Not much more than a couple of grahams.
I had a bad case of swine flu until I was cured. Now I have ham flu.
"Word around town is that you prefer sheep to people."
"Yep, that's what I herd."
The early bird may catch a worm, but only 'cause he cheats. The only way he's early is by traveling through a wormhole.
Ivy League colleges must be great for educating blue-collar workers! I hear that ivy has ten drills!
A New Guinea tribesman invited a couple of missionaries over for dinner. One of the visitors tasted a mouthful from his bowl and beamed, "My! Your wife makes a really excellent stew!"
"Why thank you!" the islander replied. "I'm so glad you like her!
* * *
Comic Sans walks into a bar.
"Get out!" growls the bartender. "We don't serve your type!"
* * *
My blind date told me she wanted to have sex in the back of my car. It was bad enough taking her to her boyfriend's house, but I really got annoyed when she insisted I driver 'em around for half an hour.
* * *
"My sister has her very own line of clothes."
"Wow! She's been incredibly successful!"
"Humph! Not successful enough to get the drier fixed."
* * *
My cat doesn't like being held and I thought the vet understood that. Even so, I guess I should have been more careful when I asked him to put her down.
* * *
Hear about the hipster who became a cemetery technician? He really digs graves.
* * *
I've been reading about the drawbacks of drinking, smoking and having wild sex, and it's taught me a valuable lesson about abstinence. I've decided to give up reading.
* * *
Never apply for any job that has you digging post holes all day... it's boring.
* * *
The cop who stopped me going 50 in the school zone must have had Alzheimer's! The first thing he said when I rolled down the window was, "Have you got any idea why I pulled you over?"
* * *
I just got a special tattoo to let my girlfriend know she can count one me. It reads: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5..."
* * *
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a best friend?
You can always count on a best friend to give you a little space.
* * *
Yesterday at the beach, my wife got stung on the leg by a jellyfish. She begged me to pee on it to stop the pain, so I did. Man, the sight of that urine-soaked jellyfish must have been satisfying!
* * *
A good time girl sauntered up to me at the bar last night and asked, "Are you game?"
"You bet I am!" I replied enthusiastically.
So she shot me.
* * *
For the costume party, my wife wanted us to dress up as characters from "Sausage Party". I went along with it though I didn't much like the idea... it was humiliating, to be Frank.
* * *
I showed the remnants of my luggage to an attorney when I contemplated suing the airline, but he turned me down. He didn't see much of a case.
* * *
Looking for a stud? I've got STD... all I need is U!
* * *
Q: How much do individual s'mores weigh?
A: Not much more than a couple of grahams.
* * *
I had a bad case of swine flu until I was cured. Now I have ham flu.
* * *
"Word around town is that you prefer sheep to people."
"Yep, that's what I herd."
* * *
The early bird may catch a worm, but only 'cause he cheats. The only way he's early is by traveling through a wormhole.
* * *
Ivy League colleges must be great for educating blue-collar workers! I hear that ivy has ten drills!
* * *
A New Guinea tribesman invited a couple of missionaries over for dinner. One of the visitors tasted a mouthful from his bowl and beamed, "My! Your wife makes a really excellent stew!"
"Why thank you!" the islander replied. "I'm so glad you like her!
