Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]Three unwritten rules for having a long, happy marriage:
1.
2.
3.
I just nailed the boss’s daughter. Most guys would get fired for that, but I don’t have to worry... I’m self employed.
There’s only one “B” word that should ever be applied to a woman: “Beautiful”. Bitches really go for that kind of thing.
I’ve been dating an English teacher and she isn’t at all happy about my grammatical approach to sex: each time a period is indicated, I insist on using a colon.
Doctor: “Don’t worry, you aren’t going deaf. You only have a mild case of Onomatopoeia Syndrome.”
Patient: “Onomatopoeia Syndrome? What the heck is that?”
Doctor: “Exactly what it sounds like.”
People who address their mirror reflections aren’t insane; they actually have genius level intellects. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
My wife is grossly overweight. During her last pregnancy, the obstetrician couldn’t give her an ultrasound... he had to use a seismograph.
Math teacher: “A rich man dies, leaving a 10 million dollars legacy. His wife receives one fifth of his estate; his son receives one fifth; his mistress receives one sixth; the rest is left to charity. Now, what does each heir get?”
Student: “That’s easy! A lawyer.”
The manufacturing of an Elmo doll is a laborious, thorough process. The final stage of construction? Two test tickles.
My next door neighbors have starred in a sex video. I just hope they never find out about it.
Every ship in the North Korean navy has a glass bottom. That’s so they can keep track of the North Korean Air Force.
I accidentally broke Snell’s law of light refraction. Hope I’m not going to prism.
She: “We’ve been having sex for five years now! Are we ever going to get married?”
He: “Absolutely! I plan to anyway, once I find a gal with plenty of money.”
Ever hear a cat go “woof”? Well, you’ve obviously never set one on fire.
Onboard the Titanic, first class passengers were served roast beef, grilled mutton and Chicken a la Maryland. Third class passengers, however, had to be satisfied with boiled potatoes and rice. It was a recipe for disaster.
In ancient Athens, a citizen enters a tailor’s shop with a pair of torn tunics. The tailor looks up from his work and is startled to see that it’s the city’s most important playwright.
“Euripides?!” he timidly inquires.
“Of course,” replies the great man. “That’s why I need them mended.”
My son has just been accepted at the Mayo Clinic. I’m so proud! I always wanted him to have a culinary career!
Women defy the law of gravity: the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
“How do you spell ‘dark’... with a ‘c’ or with a ‘k’?”
“With a ‘k’, of course. You can’t ‘c’ in the ‘dark’.”
My brother needs to stop stuttering. He went to the store for a Mars Bar and came back with 50 packs of M&Ms.
Tyrannosaurus Rex... T-Rex... Tyrant King... this apex dino predator goes by many names. It belongs to the order Thesaurus.
“Here’s a picture of my new girlfriend! Isn’t she stunning?”
“Stunning? You should see my wife.”
“Your wife, huh? Is she gorgeous too?”
“No. She’s an optometrist.”[/FONT]
1.
2.
3.
* * *
I just nailed the boss’s daughter. Most guys would get fired for that, but I don’t have to worry... I’m self employed.
* * *
There’s only one “B” word that should ever be applied to a woman: “Beautiful”. Bitches really go for that kind of thing.
* * *
I’ve been dating an English teacher and she isn’t at all happy about my grammatical approach to sex: each time a period is indicated, I insist on using a colon.
* * *
Doctor: “Don’t worry, you aren’t going deaf. You only have a mild case of Onomatopoeia Syndrome.”
Patient: “Onomatopoeia Syndrome? What the heck is that?”
Doctor: “Exactly what it sounds like.”
* * *
People who address their mirror reflections aren’t insane; they actually have genius level intellects. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
* * *
My wife is grossly overweight. During her last pregnancy, the obstetrician couldn’t give her an ultrasound... he had to use a seismograph.
* * *
Math teacher: “A rich man dies, leaving a 10 million dollars legacy. His wife receives one fifth of his estate; his son receives one fifth; his mistress receives one sixth; the rest is left to charity. Now, what does each heir get?”
Student: “That’s easy! A lawyer.”
* * *
The manufacturing of an Elmo doll is a laborious, thorough process. The final stage of construction? Two test tickles.
* * *
My next door neighbors have starred in a sex video. I just hope they never find out about it.
* * *
Every ship in the North Korean navy has a glass bottom. That’s so they can keep track of the North Korean Air Force.
* * *
I accidentally broke Snell’s law of light refraction. Hope I’m not going to prism.
* * *
She: “We’ve been having sex for five years now! Are we ever going to get married?”
He: “Absolutely! I plan to anyway, once I find a gal with plenty of money.”
* * *
Ever hear a cat go “woof”? Well, you’ve obviously never set one on fire.
* * *
Onboard the Titanic, first class passengers were served roast beef, grilled mutton and Chicken a la Maryland. Third class passengers, however, had to be satisfied with boiled potatoes and rice. It was a recipe for disaster.
* * *
In ancient Athens, a citizen enters a tailor’s shop with a pair of torn tunics. The tailor looks up from his work and is startled to see that it’s the city’s most important playwright.
“Euripides?!” he timidly inquires.
“Of course,” replies the great man. “That’s why I need them mended.”
* * *
My son has just been accepted at the Mayo Clinic. I’m so proud! I always wanted him to have a culinary career!
* * *
Women defy the law of gravity: the heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
* * *
“How do you spell ‘dark’... with a ‘c’ or with a ‘k’?”
“With a ‘k’, of course. You can’t ‘c’ in the ‘dark’.”
* * *
My brother needs to stop stuttering. He went to the store for a Mars Bar and came back with 50 packs of M&Ms.
* * *
Tyrannosaurus Rex... T-Rex... Tyrant King... this apex dino predator goes by many names. It belongs to the order Thesaurus.
* * *
“Here’s a picture of my new girlfriend! Isn’t she stunning?”
“Stunning? You should see my wife.”
“Your wife, huh? Is she gorgeous too?”
“No. She’s an optometrist.”[/FONT]
