Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Julius Caesar was so clever he could change the number six into the number nine. He did this by simply removed the "s".
When thinking up profanity for my computer posts, I regularly nudge the mouse. The presence of a cursor can be extremely helpful.
X-Files star Gillian Anderson lost her little boy in a custody dispute. She's now known simply as Gillian.
Museum Guard: "Lady, I warned you not to touch the exhibits! That vase you just broke is over 2000 years old!"
Visitor: "Oh thank goodness! I was afraid it was brand new!"
Dogs feel obligated to smell each other's butts... it's their duty.
I don't trust that rickety staircase leading to the dark, dingy attic. It's up to something.
"I saw you walking a pair of dogs this morning. I didn't know you owned any dogs."
"Those weren't my dogs. They're my sister's."
"Oh, I see. No offense, but your sisters are terribly homely."
You can talk about soldierly valor all day long, but extreme courage can be found in the most unlikely places. What would you call a little milquetoast who stands up for a lady being abused by her 6-foot-6 bruiser boyfriend, for instance? In my opinion: an ambulance.
If supervillain Gru ever runs low on food, he simply slaughters one of his underlings. That may seem disgusting, but in most parts of the world fillet Minion is considered a delicacy.
Patron: "Do customers ever ask you about the quality of the steak tartare?"
Chef: "On the odd occasion. It's rare."
Newly constructed highways always stink like farts; it's the asphalt.
Most professional boxers don't have sex before a big match. That makes sense; they probably don't like each other very much.
Dad: "Remember, son: this is the USA! When you grow up, you can be anything you want!"
Son: "Dad, I don't wanna be a thing! I don't care how many choices I get!"
The second wave of Coronavirus will hit us soon. Medical experts are calling it Dos Ickies.
Waiter: "How did you find your steak, sir?"
Customer: "Easily! It was right underneath the parsley!"
Thieving, cattle-mutilating aliens have just made off with a full third of my prize cow! Ow!
Reporter: "So the crook got away with $200,000... is that right?
Bank President: "Yes, but could you report is as half a million?"
Reporter: "How come?"
Bank President: "So the cops can pick him up at the hospital after he tries to explain it to his partners."
What's the most devious way to stab a buddy in the back? Before you get all het up, understand that this question didn't come from me... I'm asking for a friend.
An apple a day will indeed keep the doctor away, especially if you aim for the face.
I should have known better than to stay at that cut-rate hotel. The place was so sleazy and tough, a knife fight broke out at the minibar.
Q: Why was the city of Pripyat evacuated?
A: It was an over-reaction.
Q: How can you tell if an animal is a herbivore?
A: If it isn't, it'll eat you. If it is, it won't shut up about it.
* * *
When thinking up profanity for my computer posts, I regularly nudge the mouse. The presence of a cursor can be extremely helpful.
* * *
X-Files star Gillian Anderson lost her little boy in a custody dispute. She's now known simply as Gillian.
* * *
Museum Guard: "Lady, I warned you not to touch the exhibits! That vase you just broke is over 2000 years old!"
Visitor: "Oh thank goodness! I was afraid it was brand new!"
* * *
Dogs feel obligated to smell each other's butts... it's their duty.
* * *
I don't trust that rickety staircase leading to the dark, dingy attic. It's up to something.
* * *
"I saw you walking a pair of dogs this morning. I didn't know you owned any dogs."
"Those weren't my dogs. They're my sister's."
"Oh, I see. No offense, but your sisters are terribly homely."
* * *
You can talk about soldierly valor all day long, but extreme courage can be found in the most unlikely places. What would you call a little milquetoast who stands up for a lady being abused by her 6-foot-6 bruiser boyfriend, for instance? In my opinion: an ambulance.
* * *
If supervillain Gru ever runs low on food, he simply slaughters one of his underlings. That may seem disgusting, but in most parts of the world fillet Minion is considered a delicacy.
* * *
Patron: "Do customers ever ask you about the quality of the steak tartare?"
Chef: "On the odd occasion. It's rare."
* * *
Newly constructed highways always stink like farts; it's the asphalt.
* * *
Most professional boxers don't have sex before a big match. That makes sense; they probably don't like each other very much.
* * *
Dad: "Remember, son: this is the USA! When you grow up, you can be anything you want!"
Son: "Dad, I don't wanna be a thing! I don't care how many choices I get!"
* * *
The second wave of Coronavirus will hit us soon. Medical experts are calling it Dos Ickies.
* * *
Waiter: "How did you find your steak, sir?"
Customer: "Easily! It was right underneath the parsley!"
* * *
Thieving, cattle-mutilating aliens have just made off with a full third of my prize cow! Ow!
* * *
Reporter: "So the crook got away with $200,000... is that right?
Bank President: "Yes, but could you report is as half a million?"
Reporter: "How come?"
Bank President: "So the cops can pick him up at the hospital after he tries to explain it to his partners."
* * *
What's the most devious way to stab a buddy in the back? Before you get all het up, understand that this question didn't come from me... I'm asking for a friend.
* * *
An apple a day will indeed keep the doctor away, especially if you aim for the face.
* * *
I should have known better than to stay at that cut-rate hotel. The place was so sleazy and tough, a knife fight broke out at the minibar.
* * *
Q: Why was the city of Pripyat evacuated?
A: It was an over-reaction.
* * *
Q: How can you tell if an animal is a herbivore?
A: If it isn't, it'll eat you. If it is, it won't shut up about it.
