Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
You can turn any object into a pillow. Just put your mind to it.
I accidentally dropped my cell phone from the top of a 20 story building. It didn't break, though... fortunately it was in airplane mode.
A hotel guest calls the desk manager.
"My wife and I just had a terrible fight," he moans, "and she's threatening to jump out the window!"
"Sorry, sir," the manager replies. "The owners won't allow us to become involved in personal matters."
"This isn't a personal matter!" the man fumes. "I'm calling for maintenance. The damn thing won't open!"
They say condoms provide safety. What a laugh! My buddy was wearing one and suffocated to death!
My doctor tells me I absolutely mustn't drink anymore. Which is fine... I'll be satisfied with the same amount.
Lieutenant: "Private, I didn't see you at camouflage training today!"
Private: "Happy to hear it worked, sir!"
North Korea has finally developed a missile that can hit New York. Which means no target on Earth is safe; if they can make it there, they'll make it anywhere.
While on the road, I regularly mail my wife a big box of chocolates. She's finally getting tired of it, though... she's come to resent my candy sending attitude.
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want kids. But when I got home, they were still there.
Eve doomed the entire human race to suffering and death, and all for an apple! Makes you wonder what she'd do for a Klondike Bar.
My brother deals with nothing but assholes at work. His fault; he's the one who decided to become a proctologist.
Helen Keller once contemplated murder, but soon changed her mind. A good thing; it would have been a senseless crime.
A restaurant downtown says they'll serve breakfast anytime. However, I can't get them to bring anything at all during the Renaissance.
Why did the velociraptor cross the road?
The chicken hadn't evolved yet.
Yeah, I'm a chick magnet! Unfortunately I'm also the wrong polarity.
Hickory Dickory Dock is still popular after all these years. It's a timely song.
My wife got really angry last time I held the door for her. In retrospect, it was a bad idea to try that with a revolving door.
Kim Jong Un plans to end global warming. I don't think, however, that Nuclear Winter is a viable solution.
I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially not, since I'd walked there.
A spirit medium damaged one of her all-seeing eyes. It's ruined her death perception.
I once thanked a French guy so profusely, he expired. It was a merci killing.
A pregnant woman yells out in pain during a tough delivery.
Husband: "What's the problem, sweetie? You're screaming!"
Wife: "What's the problem?! These damned contractions are killing me!"
Husband: "Oh, sorry. Let me try again: what is the problem, sweetie? You are screaming!"
* * *
I accidentally dropped my cell phone from the top of a 20 story building. It didn't break, though... fortunately it was in airplane mode.
* * *
A hotel guest calls the desk manager.
"My wife and I just had a terrible fight," he moans, "and she's threatening to jump out the window!"
"Sorry, sir," the manager replies. "The owners won't allow us to become involved in personal matters."
"This isn't a personal matter!" the man fumes. "I'm calling for maintenance. The damn thing won't open!"
* * *
They say condoms provide safety. What a laugh! My buddy was wearing one and suffocated to death!
* * *
My doctor tells me I absolutely mustn't drink anymore. Which is fine... I'll be satisfied with the same amount.
* * *
Lieutenant: "Private, I didn't see you at camouflage training today!"
Private: "Happy to hear it worked, sir!"
* * *
North Korea has finally developed a missile that can hit New York. Which means no target on Earth is safe; if they can make it there, they'll make it anywhere.
* * *
While on the road, I regularly mail my wife a big box of chocolates. She's finally getting tired of it, though... she's come to resent my candy sending attitude.
* * *
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want kids. But when I got home, they were still there.
* * *
Eve doomed the entire human race to suffering and death, and all for an apple! Makes you wonder what she'd do for a Klondike Bar.
* * *
My brother deals with nothing but assholes at work. His fault; he's the one who decided to become a proctologist.
* * *
Helen Keller once contemplated murder, but soon changed her mind. A good thing; it would have been a senseless crime.
* * *
A restaurant downtown says they'll serve breakfast anytime. However, I can't get them to bring anything at all during the Renaissance.
* * *
Why did the velociraptor cross the road?
The chicken hadn't evolved yet.
* * *
Yeah, I'm a chick magnet! Unfortunately I'm also the wrong polarity.
* * *
Hickory Dickory Dock is still popular after all these years. It's a timely song.
* * *
My wife got really angry last time I held the door for her. In retrospect, it was a bad idea to try that with a revolving door.
* * *
Kim Jong Un plans to end global warming. I don't think, however, that Nuclear Winter is a viable solution.
* * *
I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially not, since I'd walked there.
* * *
A spirit medium damaged one of her all-seeing eyes. It's ruined her death perception.
* * *
I once thanked a French guy so profusely, he expired. It was a merci killing.
* * *
A pregnant woman yells out in pain during a tough delivery.
Husband: "What's the problem, sweetie? You're screaming!"
Wife: "What's the problem?! These damned contractions are killing me!"
Husband: "Oh, sorry. Let me try again: what is the problem, sweetie? You are screaming!"
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