Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]A baby zebra stood out in the rain so long, all his stripes were washed off. He didn’t get ill, but he is a little horse now.
Today, my daughter spoke her very first words to me: “Where the hell you been for the last 20 years?”
Customer: “I’d like to try on that dress in the window.”
Clerk: “You can if you like, ma’am. But you might be more comfortable in the dressing room.”
I complained to the dealership that bright sunlight was fading the paint job on my brand new car. The salesman told me to stick it where the sun don’t shine.
During a crisis, it’s customary to evacuate women and children first. That’s so the menfolk can work out a solution in peace and quiet.
My boss got frustrated and fired me from my job at the Unemployment Office. He said, “I can’t stand the sight of you any longer! Get out! And see you again tomorrow.”
A little Muslim boy gets separated from his mother in a department store. The manager approaches the sobbing child and assured him, “Don’t cry, sonny, we’ll soon find your mom. What does she look like?”
The tearful lad looks up at him and replies, “I have no damn idea!”
I’m not crazy about my job as a waiter, but it does put food on the table.
That ‘Avengers Infinity War’ movie was way too short; it was over in a snap.
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday party. I don’t know how that could be... I wasn’t even there.
I hear Lawrence Welk had identical twin daughters: Anna one, Anna two...
He: “I’ve decided we shouldn’t vaccinate the kids.”
She: “Are you serious?”
He: “You bet I am. Our doctor’s much more qualified to do it.”
I’d like to have become a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.
Waiter: “Donner, party of six.”
Customer: “There’s only five of us now. And we aren’t hungry anymore.”
I’ve been clearing wild-land for a landscaping company. I say I took down ten pine trees; my boss claims it was only nine. It’s a difference of a pinyon.
If you want a windbreak, try planting aspen trees. It’s a poplar choice.
Two convicted murders are scheduled to die on the same day. The warden comes before them to ask if they have any last requests.
The nearest convict says, “Please, sir... I’d like to hear ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ just one more time before I die.”
“Done,” replies the warden. “And for you, son?”
The second man stares fixedly and grates, “Please, sir... execute me first.”
I have a pet chameleon, but it never changes color. Perhaps it’s actually a chameleoff.
The sun decided to marry the moon. They’re basically happy, although they have had their ups and downs.
Sure, you can have some my black and white fabric this time. Just don’t make a habit of it.
I’m so proud of my newborn son! In the past 9 months, he’s really grown as a person.
Bank robber: “This is a holdup! Where’s the money?”
Teller: “ ... “
Bank robber: “I said where’s the money!”
Teller “ ... “
Bank robber: “Hey, what’s wrong with you?”
Penn: “Ha! He always does this!”[/FONT]
* * *
Today, my daughter spoke her very first words to me: “Where the hell you been for the last 20 years?”
* * *
Customer: “I’d like to try on that dress in the window.”
Clerk: “You can if you like, ma’am. But you might be more comfortable in the dressing room.”
* * *
I complained to the dealership that bright sunlight was fading the paint job on my brand new car. The salesman told me to stick it where the sun don’t shine.
* * *
During a crisis, it’s customary to evacuate women and children first. That’s so the menfolk can work out a solution in peace and quiet.
* * *
My boss got frustrated and fired me from my job at the Unemployment Office. He said, “I can’t stand the sight of you any longer! Get out! And see you again tomorrow.”
* * *
A little Muslim boy gets separated from his mother in a department store. The manager approaches the sobbing child and assured him, “Don’t cry, sonny, we’ll soon find your mom. What does she look like?”
The tearful lad looks up at him and replies, “I have no damn idea!”
* * *
I’m not crazy about my job as a waiter, but it does put food on the table.
* * *
That ‘Avengers Infinity War’ movie was way too short; it was over in a snap.
* * *
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday party. I don’t know how that could be... I wasn’t even there.
* * *
I hear Lawrence Welk had identical twin daughters: Anna one, Anna two...
* * *
He: “I’ve decided we shouldn’t vaccinate the kids.”
She: “Are you serious?”
He: “You bet I am. Our doctor’s much more qualified to do it.”
* * *
I’d like to have become a Gregorian monk, but I never got the chants.
* * *
Waiter: “Donner, party of six.”
Customer: “There’s only five of us now. And we aren’t hungry anymore.”
* * *
I’ve been clearing wild-land for a landscaping company. I say I took down ten pine trees; my boss claims it was only nine. It’s a difference of a pinyon.
* * *
If you want a windbreak, try planting aspen trees. It’s a poplar choice.
* * *
Two convicted murders are scheduled to die on the same day. The warden comes before them to ask if they have any last requests.
The nearest convict says, “Please, sir... I’d like to hear ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ just one more time before I die.”
“Done,” replies the warden. “And for you, son?”
The second man stares fixedly and grates, “Please, sir... execute me first.”
* * *
I have a pet chameleon, but it never changes color. Perhaps it’s actually a chameleoff.
* * *
The sun decided to marry the moon. They’re basically happy, although they have had their ups and downs.
* * *
Sure, you can have some my black and white fabric this time. Just don’t make a habit of it.
* * *
I’m so proud of my newborn son! In the past 9 months, he’s really grown as a person.
* * *
Bank robber: “This is a holdup! Where’s the money?”
Teller: “ ... “
Bank robber: “I said where’s the money!”
Teller “ ... “
Bank robber: “Hey, what’s wrong with you?”
Penn: “Ha! He always does this!”[/FONT]
