Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
All my friends laugh at me because of my girlfriend. They say she's imaginary. I say she's just as real as they are, so who's laughing now!
Egyptian Pharaoh: "You shall build a tomb for me. It shall be four sided, with a broad base and a top that narrows to a point. It shall take 20 years to complete. After it is done, you shall do the same for all the rest of my family."
Egyptian peasant: "Screw you! I'm not getting involved in any pyramid scheme!"
My wife called to tell me that she saw a fox on the way to work. I don't want to call her a liar, but I find this hard to believe... how could she possibly tell it was heading for work?
Brunette: "That wedding you attended yesterday... did I hear right? Did you really say it was a sordid ceremony?"
Blonde: "Oh yeah! It really was, too! It had a fairy tale theme and everyone was sworded! Even I was carrying one!"
I'm sorry to have to report that the practice of burning paper books is starting to apply to electronic ones too. It's a shame that some people can't think of anything better to do with great literature than use it for kindle-ing.
Men are like hardwood floors; lay them well in the beginning and you can walk all over them for the next 40 years.
I got partnered up with some stranger in the three-legged race; first thing that happened was he tripped and sent us both tumbling to the ground. Then I tripped and did the same. Then we got out of sync and started running around in circles. By the end, each of us was so sore and humiliated, we didn't speak to each other the whole rest of the picnic. A pity, really... we just started off on the wrong foot.
Popular new North Korean cookbook: "101 Exciting Ways to Wok Your Dog".
I'm a massive comic book nerd... 700 lbs. easy.
Blonde: "My new coworker is one hot dude!"
Brunette: "Have you talked to him yet?"
Blonde: "Yeah, just today. Turns out he feels exactly the same way!"
Brunette: "Great! So, what have you done about it?"
Blonde: "Tomorrow we plan to get together and turn on the air conditioner. Then we'll both feel much better!"
My daughter's coworker is one hot dude. Turns out he feels exactly the same way about her. She's so upset: apparently he has no interest in dating men.
I wasn't familiar with the story "A Christmas Carol" until I saw it broadcast last night. It involves a jolly, generous man who's convinced to become a miser by three ghosts. I later heard that the print had been run backwards, but fortunately I'd gotten the gist of it.
As far as I'm concerned, cannibalism is an abomination against man and God. Some feel otherwise, but to eat'cher own.
Professor X: "So, what's your mutant superpower?"
X-Men recruit: "Hindsight."
Professor X: "Sorry, I don't think that could possibly be of any use to us."
X-Men recruit: "Yes... I can see that now."
My neighbors have found the formula for a fulfilling marriage: once each week, they spend the evening out on the town, with the rest of the night devoted to raw, animalistic sex. It's working so well, they've considered upping it to twice a week: Tuesdays for her, Fridays for him.
Blonde: "My dad says he's Irish, but his name leads me to believe that he's really part Asian."
Brunette: "Your family's called Obrien... that certainly sounds Irish. What's his first name?"
Blonde: "Ian."
My girlfriend told me in detail about the plans she'd made to realize her most vivid sexual fantasy: making out in the back of a moving taxi cab. Needless to say, I was crazy enthusiastic to play my part! I've always wanted to drive a taxi!
Generally speaking, young boys really crave baby frogs whereas young girls find them disgusting. They do tend to be a tad polarizing.
I bought some coconut shampoo today. A wise purchase: my coconut has terribly unruly hair.
Stephen King's new novel is going to be about a killer tornado. It'll be out next year... right now, it's only a draft.
Last night I asked my wife if she'd like to use a few toys during our lovemaking. And she was all for it! This morning, she's fuming at me to sell all my Hot Wheels cars and GI Joes!
Hope you're enjoying Diarrhea Awareness Month! It runs through the end of Sunday!
* * *
Egyptian Pharaoh: "You shall build a tomb for me. It shall be four sided, with a broad base and a top that narrows to a point. It shall take 20 years to complete. After it is done, you shall do the same for all the rest of my family."
Egyptian peasant: "Screw you! I'm not getting involved in any pyramid scheme!"
* * *
My wife called to tell me that she saw a fox on the way to work. I don't want to call her a liar, but I find this hard to believe... how could she possibly tell it was heading for work?
* * *
Brunette: "That wedding you attended yesterday... did I hear right? Did you really say it was a sordid ceremony?"
Blonde: "Oh yeah! It really was, too! It had a fairy tale theme and everyone was sworded! Even I was carrying one!"
* * *
I'm sorry to have to report that the practice of burning paper books is starting to apply to electronic ones too. It's a shame that some people can't think of anything better to do with great literature than use it for kindle-ing.
* * *
Men are like hardwood floors; lay them well in the beginning and you can walk all over them for the next 40 years.
* * *
I got partnered up with some stranger in the three-legged race; first thing that happened was he tripped and sent us both tumbling to the ground. Then I tripped and did the same. Then we got out of sync and started running around in circles. By the end, each of us was so sore and humiliated, we didn't speak to each other the whole rest of the picnic. A pity, really... we just started off on the wrong foot.
* * *
Popular new North Korean cookbook: "101 Exciting Ways to Wok Your Dog".
* * *
I'm a massive comic book nerd... 700 lbs. easy.
* * *
Blonde: "My new coworker is one hot dude!"
Brunette: "Have you talked to him yet?"
Blonde: "Yeah, just today. Turns out he feels exactly the same way!"
Brunette: "Great! So, what have you done about it?"
Blonde: "Tomorrow we plan to get together and turn on the air conditioner. Then we'll both feel much better!"
* * *
My daughter's coworker is one hot dude. Turns out he feels exactly the same way about her. She's so upset: apparently he has no interest in dating men.
* * *
I wasn't familiar with the story "A Christmas Carol" until I saw it broadcast last night. It involves a jolly, generous man who's convinced to become a miser by three ghosts. I later heard that the print had been run backwards, but fortunately I'd gotten the gist of it.
* * *
As far as I'm concerned, cannibalism is an abomination against man and God. Some feel otherwise, but to eat'cher own.
* * *
Professor X: "So, what's your mutant superpower?"
X-Men recruit: "Hindsight."
Professor X: "Sorry, I don't think that could possibly be of any use to us."
X-Men recruit: "Yes... I can see that now."
* * *
My neighbors have found the formula for a fulfilling marriage: once each week, they spend the evening out on the town, with the rest of the night devoted to raw, animalistic sex. It's working so well, they've considered upping it to twice a week: Tuesdays for her, Fridays for him.
* * *
Blonde: "My dad says he's Irish, but his name leads me to believe that he's really part Asian."
Brunette: "Your family's called Obrien... that certainly sounds Irish. What's his first name?"
Blonde: "Ian."
* * *
My girlfriend told me in detail about the plans she'd made to realize her most vivid sexual fantasy: making out in the back of a moving taxi cab. Needless to say, I was crazy enthusiastic to play my part! I've always wanted to drive a taxi!
* * *
Generally speaking, young boys really crave baby frogs whereas young girls find them disgusting. They do tend to be a tad polarizing.
* * *
I bought some coconut shampoo today. A wise purchase: my coconut has terribly unruly hair.
* * *
Stephen King's new novel is going to be about a killer tornado. It'll be out next year... right now, it's only a draft.
* * *
Last night I asked my wife if she'd like to use a few toys during our lovemaking. And she was all for it! This morning, she's fuming at me to sell all my Hot Wheels cars and GI Joes!
* * *
Hope you're enjoying Diarrhea Awareness Month! It runs through the end of Sunday!
