Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
A horse trots into a bar. Stupid animal... he was supposed to jump over it.
A lot of guys have trouble with commitment, but not my cousin. In two weeks' time, he's committed both arson and robbery.
"If Pepper isn't the greatest doctor, who is?"
"You said it, brother! Gallifrey rules!"
Instead of a Swear Jar, I have a Pessimism Jar. Whenever I have negative thoughts, I toss in a quarter. It's currently half empty.
The difference between tofu and a dildo: tofu has never successfully been used to replace meat.
My parents warned me never to open the cellar door or I'd see something shocking. That kept me in line until I was 15, but curiosity finally got the better of me. So I threw open the door and did indeed get the shock of my life: sunlight!
He: "All the guys down at my club say you're a trophy wife."
She: "Don't assume that's true just because you always finish first."
My brother is an A.I. engineer. He doesn't have a resume and doesn't need one; his works speaks for itself.
"I have no idea how my dad earns his living. Do you know what your dad does?"
"Beats me."
I regained consciousness in the hospital after a terrible wreck to find a nurse hovering over me.
"Glad to see you're awake," she gushed. "You've had some temporary spinal trauma, which means you may not feel anything from the waist down."
Yep, she started out friendly... but then raised a big fuss once I grabbed her tits.
A mad scientist let loose a horde of giant flies on the city. But his plan failed... he hadn't reckoned on the SWAT team.
That damn bagel I bought flew out of my hand and right out the window during the drive home! Guess I shouldn't have ordered the plane.
Advice to young lovers: never have sex before twenty. Crowds can negatively affect your performance.
My pet frog had developed flat feet, so the vet advised me to get him corrective footwear. As a result, I picked up a pair of open toad sandals.
According to a new poll, when it comes to wealth most people would rather wake up a pauper than a billionaire. That shouldn't be surprising; a pauper can't have you beaten and thrown off his property.
OCD has ruined my sex life. Every time I turn a gal on, I feel compelled to turn her off again.
Sometimes life hands you pickling cucumbers instead of lemons. Just dill with it.
The club where I play saxophone is so cheap, I have to spread my sheet music all over the floor in order to read it. No one should be treated this way; it's time I finally take a stand!
Sometimes a single ant will be ostracized by the entire ant-hill. This individual may consider himself unlucky, but he's actually now protected from a terrible disease... he's become socially dissed ant.
My blond sister Emily wants her own TV show and is going in for auditions tomorrow. She says the name of the program is "Who Wants to be a Millie On Air?"
My 7 year old nephew was real proud of the "telephone" he'd made with two tin cans and a piece of string. But I showed him up... whipped out my iPhone and crowed, "Here's what 7 year olds make in China!"
Granddad: "Hey, boy! Whatta I gotta do to print something with this fancy computer?"
Grandson: "It's easy grandpa: Ctrl-P."
Granddad: "I'm stuck, then... haven't been able to do that fer years."
* * *
A lot of guys have trouble with commitment, but not my cousin. In two weeks' time, he's committed both arson and robbery.
* * *
"If Pepper isn't the greatest doctor, who is?"
"You said it, brother! Gallifrey rules!"
* * *
Instead of a Swear Jar, I have a Pessimism Jar. Whenever I have negative thoughts, I toss in a quarter. It's currently half empty.
* * *
The difference between tofu and a dildo: tofu has never successfully been used to replace meat.
* * *
My parents warned me never to open the cellar door or I'd see something shocking. That kept me in line until I was 15, but curiosity finally got the better of me. So I threw open the door and did indeed get the shock of my life: sunlight!
* * *
He: "All the guys down at my club say you're a trophy wife."
She: "Don't assume that's true just because you always finish first."
* * *
My brother is an A.I. engineer. He doesn't have a resume and doesn't need one; his works speaks for itself.
* * *
"I have no idea how my dad earns his living. Do you know what your dad does?"
"Beats me."
* * *
I regained consciousness in the hospital after a terrible wreck to find a nurse hovering over me.
"Glad to see you're awake," she gushed. "You've had some temporary spinal trauma, which means you may not feel anything from the waist down."
Yep, she started out friendly... but then raised a big fuss once I grabbed her tits.
* * *
A mad scientist let loose a horde of giant flies on the city. But his plan failed... he hadn't reckoned on the SWAT team.
* * *
That damn bagel I bought flew out of my hand and right out the window during the drive home! Guess I shouldn't have ordered the plane.
* * *
Advice to young lovers: never have sex before twenty. Crowds can negatively affect your performance.
* * *
My pet frog had developed flat feet, so the vet advised me to get him corrective footwear. As a result, I picked up a pair of open toad sandals.
* * *
According to a new poll, when it comes to wealth most people would rather wake up a pauper than a billionaire. That shouldn't be surprising; a pauper can't have you beaten and thrown off his property.
* * *
OCD has ruined my sex life. Every time I turn a gal on, I feel compelled to turn her off again.
* * *
Sometimes life hands you pickling cucumbers instead of lemons. Just dill with it.
* * *
The club where I play saxophone is so cheap, I have to spread my sheet music all over the floor in order to read it. No one should be treated this way; it's time I finally take a stand!
* * *
Sometimes a single ant will be ostracized by the entire ant-hill. This individual may consider himself unlucky, but he's actually now protected from a terrible disease... he's become socially dissed ant.
* * *
My blond sister Emily wants her own TV show and is going in for auditions tomorrow. She says the name of the program is "Who Wants to be a Millie On Air?"
* * *
My 7 year old nephew was real proud of the "telephone" he'd made with two tin cans and a piece of string. But I showed him up... whipped out my iPhone and crowed, "Here's what 7 year olds make in China!"
* * *
Granddad: "Hey, boy! Whatta I gotta do to print something with this fancy computer?"
Grandson: "It's easy grandpa: Ctrl-P."
Granddad: "I'm stuck, then... haven't been able to do that fer years."
