Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The CIA has developed a micro mini-camera small enough to mount on a fly. This fly is then released onto a hostile army base, where the smell of feces attracts it to the latrine. In this way, agents can track the enemy’s every movement.
My mother’s younger sister is only 5 feet tall. She’s also a bit of a pain; instead of letting me hand her items from shelves, she insists that I lift her so she can get them herself. I’d humor her, but it would only be upping the ante.
“These files are a mess! Trying to find anything in here is like looking for a needle in a haystack!”
“Well, it could be worse.”
“How could it possibly be worse?”
“It could be like looking for hay in a needle stack.”
Hear about the careful archeologist? He kept a mummy at his home, just in case.
Charlie, the Starkist mascot, quit his advertising gig and started pounding keys in a nightclub. He’s become a piano tuna.
If I had a dollar for every time I was confused, I’d probably say, “... Hey! Where’d all this money come from?”
“Great white sharks are the ocean masters. They can grow up to 20 feet!”
“That doesn’t impress me. Centipedes can grow hundreds of them, and they aren’t masters of anything.”
Mary Poppins said “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down”. I’ve followed that advice faithfully for years. Nowadays, the medicine I take is insulin.
She: “I’ve got to know! Is there anything between you and the neighbor lady?”
He: “Of course not, dear... not when your out of town, anyway.”
How did Tina Turner find out Ike was cheating?
She saw another woman’s lipstick on his fist.
Entrepreneur: “I want a career selling fishing supplies. What do you think of my chances for success?”
Accountant: “I’m not sure. What’s your net worth?”
My brother’s addicted to helium. He speaks quite highly of it..
A wealthy dowager’s favorite dog dies. She’s so heart-broken, she asks her jeweler to build a golden statue of him chewing on his favorite treat.
“Certainly madam,” the jeweler sympathizes. “24 karats?”
“No,” replies the woman. “A single bone will do.”
“I’m in a quandary... I don’t know the proper way to pronounce the ‘g’ in ‘gif’.”
“Shoot, that’s easy! Just pronounce it the same way you do ‘g’ in ‘gigantic’.”
City boy: “Man, look at them weird cows! I bet they’re gay!”
Country boy: “Nah, they ain’t gay. They’re bison.”
My wife can recall every damn time I’ve ever insulted her. Just as I’ve always heard... an elephant never forgets.
An animal trainer developed a parrot that could deliver bombs to specified targets. He thought the Air Force would be interested, but he was wrong: they told him they already had enough parrot troopers.
My girlfriend and I have a long-distance relationship: I have to stay at least 100 yards away at all times and the cops have warned me to quit calling her my girlfriend.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Electrician. I’m here to fix your doorbell.”
Domino’s has developed a weight-loss selection that’s so wildly effective, they’re applying for an industry award: the No-Belly Pizza Prize.
I used to play chess with old men in the park, but had to give it up. It was too hard finding 32 of them at the same time.
Donald Trump doesn’t own a dog and doesn’t seem to like dogs at all. This is exceedingly unpresidential. US presidents are famous for having dogs. Nixon had his spaniel Checkers. LBJ had his beagles. In more recent memory, Barack Obama had a Portuguese water dog. If only Hillary’d been elected instead of Trump! She already had a horndog.[/FONT]
* * *
My mother’s younger sister is only 5 feet tall. She’s also a bit of a pain; instead of letting me hand her items from shelves, she insists that I lift her so she can get them herself. I’d humor her, but it would only be upping the ante.
* * *
“These files are a mess! Trying to find anything in here is like looking for a needle in a haystack!”
“Well, it could be worse.”
“How could it possibly be worse?”
“It could be like looking for hay in a needle stack.”
* * *
Hear about the careful archeologist? He kept a mummy at his home, just in case.
* * *
Charlie, the Starkist mascot, quit his advertising gig and started pounding keys in a nightclub. He’s become a piano tuna.
* * *
If I had a dollar for every time I was confused, I’d probably say, “... Hey! Where’d all this money come from?”
* * *
“Great white sharks are the ocean masters. They can grow up to 20 feet!”
“That doesn’t impress me. Centipedes can grow hundreds of them, and they aren’t masters of anything.”
* * *
Mary Poppins said “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down”. I’ve followed that advice faithfully for years. Nowadays, the medicine I take is insulin.
* * *
She: “I’ve got to know! Is there anything between you and the neighbor lady?”
He: “Of course not, dear... not when your out of town, anyway.”
* * *
How did Tina Turner find out Ike was cheating?
She saw another woman’s lipstick on his fist.
* * *
Entrepreneur: “I want a career selling fishing supplies. What do you think of my chances for success?”
Accountant: “I’m not sure. What’s your net worth?”
* * *
My brother’s addicted to helium. He speaks quite highly of it..
* * *
A wealthy dowager’s favorite dog dies. She’s so heart-broken, she asks her jeweler to build a golden statue of him chewing on his favorite treat.
“Certainly madam,” the jeweler sympathizes. “24 karats?”
“No,” replies the woman. “A single bone will do.”
* * *
“I’m in a quandary... I don’t know the proper way to pronounce the ‘g’ in ‘gif’.”
“Shoot, that’s easy! Just pronounce it the same way you do ‘g’ in ‘gigantic’.”
* * *
City boy: “Man, look at them weird cows! I bet they’re gay!”
Country boy: “Nah, they ain’t gay. They’re bison.”
* * *
My wife can recall every damn time I’ve ever insulted her. Just as I’ve always heard... an elephant never forgets.
* * *
An animal trainer developed a parrot that could deliver bombs to specified targets. He thought the Air Force would be interested, but he was wrong: they told him they already had enough parrot troopers.
* * *
My girlfriend and I have a long-distance relationship: I have to stay at least 100 yards away at all times and the cops have warned me to quit calling her my girlfriend.
* * *
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Electrician. I’m here to fix your doorbell.”
* * *
Domino’s has developed a weight-loss selection that’s so wildly effective, they’re applying for an industry award: the No-Belly Pizza Prize.
* * *
I used to play chess with old men in the park, but had to give it up. It was too hard finding 32 of them at the same time.
* * *
Donald Trump doesn’t own a dog and doesn’t seem to like dogs at all. This is exceedingly unpresidential. US presidents are famous for having dogs. Nixon had his spaniel Checkers. LBJ had his beagles. In more recent memory, Barack Obama had a Portuguese water dog. If only Hillary’d been elected instead of Trump! She already had a horndog.[/FONT]
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