Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I had a sack lunch today. It didn't sit well; I have all kinds of trouble digesting burlap.
Teacher: "When George Washington was a lad, he chopped down a cherry tree. He immediately admitted his guilt and his father didn't punish him. Now, what lesson do we learn from this?"
Student: "If you're gonna confess, make sure you're holding an axe."
The most important thing to my father is family... so much so, he has two more in different cities.
Film director Roman Polanski just turned 84. When interviewed about it, he said, "I feel like a 13 year old!"
While on my fishing trawler, I once snared a beautiful mermaid. She promised me free seafood if I didn't molest her; I went home with a case of crabs.
Two flies are sitting on a turd, when one of them lets out a loud fart.
"Hey!" cries the other indignantly. "Knock it off! I'm trying to eat!"
I punched out a skinhead today! He tried to alibi, but I refused to listen... "Chemo" isn't a Nazi sect I'm familiar with anyway.
"The Bachelor" is one show that could never be set in Utah; all the female contestants would wind up being brides.
My parrot spent the whole morning sitting on a perch. I don't know how he even got to the fish market.
In his declining years, Aladdin spent loads of time driving aimlessly around the city. The genie sat beside him as bodyguard, shaped like a Rottweiler; close friends called the disguised djinn his Magic Car Pet.
My girlfriend is forever calling me "My precious!" Must admit, it has a nice ring!
I've been told I'm amazing in bed! And it's true! I once slept for three straight days!
A buxom woman killed 13 cops with a meat axe. Authorities were stunned by her cleavage.
My sister bought herself a rape whistle. What a waste of money! She blew it for a solid hour, but no one showed up to rape her!
Steve Jobs might have made a better president than Donald Trump, but that's really comparing apples and oranges.
I've been told that humans actually eat more bananas than monkeys. I have no problem believing that; bananas are far easier to buy in grocery stores.
Must suck to be a mermaid. I'd hate to spend my whole life cleaning the ocean.
"You twins are absolutely adorable! Those matching outfits are awfully cute! Is it your mommy who dresses you alike?"
"We aren't children, sir. Could we see your license and registration, please?"
I just started work at a cheddar factory; so far, I'm finding the smell pretty intolerable. But then, I am right next to the guy who cuts the cheese.
Never lie on your resume! A bed is so much more comfortable.
They warned me not to stare at the eclipse, but did it anyway. I didn't see the harm.
In recognition of the recent eclipse, let's brush up on the different kinds:
Earth between the sun and the moon: Lunar Eclipse.
Moon between the Earth and the sun: Solar Eclipse.
Sun between the moon and the Earth: Apocaclipse.
* * *
Teacher: "When George Washington was a lad, he chopped down a cherry tree. He immediately admitted his guilt and his father didn't punish him. Now, what lesson do we learn from this?"
Student: "If you're gonna confess, make sure you're holding an axe."
* * *
The most important thing to my father is family... so much so, he has two more in different cities.
* * *
Film director Roman Polanski just turned 84. When interviewed about it, he said, "I feel like a 13 year old!"
* * *
While on my fishing trawler, I once snared a beautiful mermaid. She promised me free seafood if I didn't molest her; I went home with a case of crabs.
* * *
Two flies are sitting on a turd, when one of them lets out a loud fart.
"Hey!" cries the other indignantly. "Knock it off! I'm trying to eat!"
* * *
I punched out a skinhead today! He tried to alibi, but I refused to listen... "Chemo" isn't a Nazi sect I'm familiar with anyway.
* * *
"The Bachelor" is one show that could never be set in Utah; all the female contestants would wind up being brides.
* * *
My parrot spent the whole morning sitting on a perch. I don't know how he even got to the fish market.
* * *
In his declining years, Aladdin spent loads of time driving aimlessly around the city. The genie sat beside him as bodyguard, shaped like a Rottweiler; close friends called the disguised djinn his Magic Car Pet.
* * *
My girlfriend is forever calling me "My precious!" Must admit, it has a nice ring!
* * *
I've been told I'm amazing in bed! And it's true! I once slept for three straight days!
* * *
A buxom woman killed 13 cops with a meat axe. Authorities were stunned by her cleavage.
* * *
My sister bought herself a rape whistle. What a waste of money! She blew it for a solid hour, but no one showed up to rape her!
* * *
Steve Jobs might have made a better president than Donald Trump, but that's really comparing apples and oranges.
* * *
I've been told that humans actually eat more bananas than monkeys. I have no problem believing that; bananas are far easier to buy in grocery stores.
* * *
Must suck to be a mermaid. I'd hate to spend my whole life cleaning the ocean.
* * *
"You twins are absolutely adorable! Those matching outfits are awfully cute! Is it your mommy who dresses you alike?"
"We aren't children, sir. Could we see your license and registration, please?"
* * *
I just started work at a cheddar factory; so far, I'm finding the smell pretty intolerable. But then, I am right next to the guy who cuts the cheese.
* * *
Never lie on your resume! A bed is so much more comfortable.
* * *
They warned me not to stare at the eclipse, but did it anyway. I didn't see the harm.
* * *
In recognition of the recent eclipse, let's brush up on the different kinds:
Earth between the sun and the moon: Lunar Eclipse.
Moon between the Earth and the sun: Solar Eclipse.
Sun between the moon and the Earth: Apocaclipse.
