Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Show up early if you want to attend our town's cheese festival. It's the briefest!
He: "Tell me... did it hurt?"
She: "Did what hurt?"
He: "When you fell from Heaven and landed in this bar?"
She: "I'm sorry... did you just call me Satan?"
After his accident, my brother thought he'd never walk again. Then he got some happy news: he'd be receiving a donation of two perfectly healthy legs from a prison inmate! When asked, the con said he wouldn't need them anymore... he was getting the chair.
Alec Baldwin finished shooting the rest of his troubled film "Rust" in May. Fortunately, that part of it wasn't loaded.
I just learned a fascinating automotive fact: according to statistics, 99% of all the Yugos ever made are still on the road. The unbelievable part is that even 1% of them got back home okay.
"Comrade, you have finally been approved for buying new car! Can pick it up ten years from today!"
"Will that be in morning or afternoon?"
"What possible difference will it make?"
"Have plumber coming in morning."
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by his fellow man. But not Communism... it's just the opposite!
Once upon a time, I'd use the couch cushions to make little defensive structures where my pals and me could hang out, unafraid of any intrusion! But guys mature and that urge doesn't last forever. For me, the period persisted longer than for my friends... eventually, however, even I grew up. It's been quite a while since I was in my forties.
To the irresponsible parents who abandoned their nine children in Yankee Stadium: you better get back here at once and pick them up! They're beating the Yankees 11-2!
Intelligence is the first thing I look for in a woman. If she's got none, I may have a chance with her.
Q: How do you acquire baby Pokemon?
A: They're stored in the cutest little balls!
I went to see my doctor over concerns about Alzheimer's. For some reason, he made me pay in advance.
Russia's Luna-25 spacecraft exploded on the Moon's surface instead of landing safely. Which is unusual... there wasn't a single nursery or hospital nearby.
Not sure who's most responsible for deforestation? Me, I blame Sean Connery! I saw him once at a protest rally, where his popularity could have swayed tens of thousands... and what does he do? I distinctly remember hearing him say that he was in favor of shaving the rain forests!
Some suicidal jackass called Chuck Norris an exotic fruit. Chuck hit him with a palm o' granite.
I just saw the first episode of a new cartoon series about a group of puppies who'd like to perform rescues, but are too tactless to get the job. It's called The Faux Pas Patrol.
Q: How many Super Sayans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's over 9,000!
According to homicide vs suicide rates, the person most likely to kill me is... me! But not if I get him first!
She: "If I'd known you were this poor, I never would have married you!"
He: "Hey, I repeatedly said that you were the most precious thing in my life!"
I used to work as a programmer for Autocorrect; they fried me for no good raisin atoll!
I have 9 brothers and sisters 'cause my folks are Catholic. They been cross breeding their whole lives.
A blonde and her boyfriend are relaxing in the back yard, when a pigeon flying overhead lands a dump right on top of the guy's head. Spluttering with disgust and rage, he manages to blurt out, "Will you please go inside and get some toilet paper!"
"What's the point?" the blonde asks, nonplussed. "That bird must be miles away by now!"
* * *
He: "Tell me... did it hurt?"
She: "Did what hurt?"
He: "When you fell from Heaven and landed in this bar?"
She: "I'm sorry... did you just call me Satan?"
* * *
After his accident, my brother thought he'd never walk again. Then he got some happy news: he'd be receiving a donation of two perfectly healthy legs from a prison inmate! When asked, the con said he wouldn't need them anymore... he was getting the chair.
* * *
Alec Baldwin finished shooting the rest of his troubled film "Rust" in May. Fortunately, that part of it wasn't loaded.
* * *
I just learned a fascinating automotive fact: according to statistics, 99% of all the Yugos ever made are still on the road. The unbelievable part is that even 1% of them got back home okay.
* * *
"Comrade, you have finally been approved for buying new car! Can pick it up ten years from today!"
"Will that be in morning or afternoon?"
"What possible difference will it make?"
"Have plumber coming in morning."
* * *
Capitalism is the exploitation of man by his fellow man. But not Communism... it's just the opposite!
* * *
Once upon a time, I'd use the couch cushions to make little defensive structures where my pals and me could hang out, unafraid of any intrusion! But guys mature and that urge doesn't last forever. For me, the period persisted longer than for my friends... eventually, however, even I grew up. It's been quite a while since I was in my forties.
* * *
To the irresponsible parents who abandoned their nine children in Yankee Stadium: you better get back here at once and pick them up! They're beating the Yankees 11-2!
* * *
Intelligence is the first thing I look for in a woman. If she's got none, I may have a chance with her.
* * *
Q: How do you acquire baby Pokemon?
A: They're stored in the cutest little balls!
* * *
I went to see my doctor over concerns about Alzheimer's. For some reason, he made me pay in advance.
* * *
Russia's Luna-25 spacecraft exploded on the Moon's surface instead of landing safely. Which is unusual... there wasn't a single nursery or hospital nearby.
* * *
Not sure who's most responsible for deforestation? Me, I blame Sean Connery! I saw him once at a protest rally, where his popularity could have swayed tens of thousands... and what does he do? I distinctly remember hearing him say that he was in favor of shaving the rain forests!
* * *
Some suicidal jackass called Chuck Norris an exotic fruit. Chuck hit him with a palm o' granite.
* * *
I just saw the first episode of a new cartoon series about a group of puppies who'd like to perform rescues, but are too tactless to get the job. It's called The Faux Pas Patrol.
* * *
Q: How many Super Sayans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's over 9,000!
* * *
According to homicide vs suicide rates, the person most likely to kill me is... me! But not if I get him first!
* * *
She: "If I'd known you were this poor, I never would have married you!"
He: "Hey, I repeatedly said that you were the most precious thing in my life!"
* * *
I used to work as a programmer for Autocorrect; they fried me for no good raisin atoll!
* * *
I have 9 brothers and sisters 'cause my folks are Catholic. They been cross breeding their whole lives.
* * *
A blonde and her boyfriend are relaxing in the back yard, when a pigeon flying overhead lands a dump right on top of the guy's head. Spluttering with disgust and rage, he manages to blurt out, "Will you please go inside and get some toilet paper!"
"What's the point?" the blonde asks, nonplussed. "That bird must be miles away by now!"
