Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
During my Mediterranean vacation, I wanted to take a picture of the Temple of Apollo in Delphi, but the tour bus lost my luggage. I just couldn't get my camera to Phocis.
Sports announcers tend to speak softly when covering golf games. That's because they don't want to wake up the viewers.
I have a lovely wife, good friends and respectful children... and my psychiatrist wants me to give all that up just for schizophrenia therapy!
A man lost his tongue in a accident and was distraught that he could no longer use it to enjoy his favorite foods anymore. However, a doctor was able to transplant a donor tongue in its place. When asked why he'd afterward developed a craving for oysters, the man replied, "Strange... it's definitely an acquired taste."
My sister says I don't know the difference between "amused" and "bemused". At first I thought it was funny, but now I don't know what to think.
A famous builder has been able to design an amazing room where the walls are suspended off the ground without any sort of support underneath. Architectural experts say it's a floorless victory.
I had a wedding ring picked out for my fiance, but my dog swallowed it. Now it's a lot like her... a diamond in the ruff.
"My aunt called my uncle a liar until the day he died!"
"And now?"
"She says he lies still."
My girlfriend thinks that "sham" in the word "shampoo" indicates that using it on your hair is somehow fake. My dog seems to agree... he prefers the real shit.
Genie: "You have released me from the magic lamp! In return, I shall grant you one wish!"
Aladdin: "Hey, I thought it was supposed to be three wishes!"
Genie: "Look in your purse."
Aladdin: "Wow!"
Genie: "Now look in your pants."
Aladdin: Oh wow!!!
Genie: "Heh! I've been doing this a long time!"
I recently attended a meeting of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous. Things fell apart quickly when the chairman announced, "Will everybody please take a seat?"
Q: What begins with a T, ends with a T and has T in the middle.
A: A teapot.
I went shopping yesterday and found that because of our compromised economy, corn on the cob is selling for a dollar apiece. What a disgrace! A buck an ear? That's piracy!
The Cecil Hotel in Los Angeles caters to ghosts because of all the guests who've passed away there. If you're trying to contact dead relatives, try out their elevator. It's sure to lift your spirits!
I called the bank to inquire about borrowing some money and the loan officer told me, "Sir, we have zero interest!" So I hung up.
"Did Robin Williams really make a movie called 'Mrs. Fire'?"
"Without a doubt!"
I just subscribed to a newsletter for electricians. It focuses on current events.
If you're a 70 year old millionaire, the easiest way to snag a pretty young wife is to lie about your age. Tell her you're in your 90s.
Batteries die far too soon. It's the shame of not being included.
Today is the last time I will ever see my 80 year old grandfather. He turns 81 tomorrow.
A man walks into a bar. Punchline in 14 days after he gets out of quarantine.
The only way I'll remain in this country is if Trump's re-elected. But if Biden gets in, he may take down the wall.
* * *
Sports announcers tend to speak softly when covering golf games. That's because they don't want to wake up the viewers.
* * *
I have a lovely wife, good friends and respectful children... and my psychiatrist wants me to give all that up just for schizophrenia therapy!
* * *
A man lost his tongue in a accident and was distraught that he could no longer use it to enjoy his favorite foods anymore. However, a doctor was able to transplant a donor tongue in its place. When asked why he'd afterward developed a craving for oysters, the man replied, "Strange... it's definitely an acquired taste."
* * *
My sister says I don't know the difference between "amused" and "bemused". At first I thought it was funny, but now I don't know what to think.
* * *
A famous builder has been able to design an amazing room where the walls are suspended off the ground without any sort of support underneath. Architectural experts say it's a floorless victory.
* * *
I had a wedding ring picked out for my fiance, but my dog swallowed it. Now it's a lot like her... a diamond in the ruff.
* * *
"My aunt called my uncle a liar until the day he died!"
"And now?"
"She says he lies still."
* * *
My girlfriend thinks that "sham" in the word "shampoo" indicates that using it on your hair is somehow fake. My dog seems to agree... he prefers the real shit.
* * *
Genie: "You have released me from the magic lamp! In return, I shall grant you one wish!"
Aladdin: "Hey, I thought it was supposed to be three wishes!"
Genie: "Look in your purse."
Aladdin: "Wow!"
Genie: "Now look in your pants."
Aladdin: Oh wow!!!
Genie: "Heh! I've been doing this a long time!"
* * *
I recently attended a meeting of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous. Things fell apart quickly when the chairman announced, "Will everybody please take a seat?"
* * *
Q: What begins with a T, ends with a T and has T in the middle.
A: A teapot.
* * *
I went shopping yesterday and found that because of our compromised economy, corn on the cob is selling for a dollar apiece. What a disgrace! A buck an ear? That's piracy!
* * *
The Cecil Hotel in Los Angeles caters to ghosts because of all the guests who've passed away there. If you're trying to contact dead relatives, try out their elevator. It's sure to lift your spirits!
* * *
I called the bank to inquire about borrowing some money and the loan officer told me, "Sir, we have zero interest!" So I hung up.
* * *
"Did Robin Williams really make a movie called 'Mrs. Fire'?"
"Without a doubt!"
* * *
I just subscribed to a newsletter for electricians. It focuses on current events.
* * *
If you're a 70 year old millionaire, the easiest way to snag a pretty young wife is to lie about your age. Tell her you're in your 90s.
* * *
Batteries die far too soon. It's the shame of not being included.
* * *
Today is the last time I will ever see my 80 year old grandfather. He turns 81 tomorrow.
* * *
A man walks into a bar. Punchline in 14 days after he gets out of quarantine.
* * *
The only way I'll remain in this country is if Trump's re-elected. But if Biden gets in, he may take down the wall.
