Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]The road was blocked and I had to use an alternate route. Big mistake... it took me straight through Paris. It was detour de France.
Teacher: “This vehicle stops at many different locations. It has wheels, but also flies. What do we call it?”
Student: “I know, teacher! A garbage truck!”
I guess my ex approves of my foot fetish after all. In the plea agreement, she insists I maintain at least 50 of them.
Captain Nemo had his Labrador retriever onboard the Nautilus at all times. He found its bark soothing. This was the first recorded use of a sub-woofer.
I’m ashamed to admit it, but I fell for the old “Nigerian Prince” scam... thought I was paying for the original soundtrack to “Purple Rain”.
Glass slipper my eye! If Cinderella really wanted to make an impression, she’d have worn a glass dress.
My girlfriend wants me to go into dentistry. I, however, am determined to become a manicurist. It’s caused a great deal of consternation; we’ve been fighting tooth and nail.
So, you want a joke about a broken compass, eh? Sorry. I really don’t know where to go with this.
An out-of-work violinist got himself a gig at a strip club, but it didn’t last long. He spent too much time fiddling with the g-string.
When I was 10 years old, my dad sat me down and gave this advice: “Son, when the going gets tough, the tough get going!” I haven’t seen him since.
“What does an angel use to light a cigarette? A match made in Heaven!”
“I didn’t even know that cigarettes were allowed in Heaven! Holy smoke!”
My girlfriend is dependable as the morning newspaper. There’s a new issue every goddamned day.
She: “You’ve never had anything good to say about my relatives! You hate them all!”
He: “That’s not true. I like your mother-in-law better than I like my own.”
A lady traffic cop pulled me over yesterday. I rolled down my window and asked, “What’s wrong, officer?”
She replied, “Well if you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”
Why did Steve Irwin approach the stingray?
He was eager for a manta-man talk.
Through special exercise and diligent effort, I’ve been able to increase my penis size to 21 inches. I thought my wife would be pleased; instead, this obsession has caused her to leave me. She just couldn’t stand it any longer.
Two chimpanzees traipse from water hole to water hole beneath the blazing sun of an African drought.
First chimpanzee: “Ooh ooh! Aah aah! Eee eee!”
Second chimpanzee: “Walk in the shade, jackass!”
I’m giving my grandpa a shoutout; it’s the only way he can hear me.
Blonde: “How come you’re impounding my car? The guy I collided with was on his cell phone! And he was drinking!”
Cop: “Yeah, but you’re allowed to do that when you’re relaxing on your lawn.”
I got thrown out of the movie theater for bringing my own food. You can hardly blame me... prices at the concession counter are outrageous. All the same, they had a point. The glow from the barbecue really was interfering with the show.
Word on the street is... YIELD.
I was eating at a diner yesterday, when the waitress suddenly blurted out, “Does anybody know CPR?”
“Hell yes!” I came back, “I know the whole damned alphabet!”
Best spontaneous joke ever! Everybody laughed... execpt this one damned humorless guy.[/FONT]
* * *
Teacher: “This vehicle stops at many different locations. It has wheels, but also flies. What do we call it?”
Student: “I know, teacher! A garbage truck!”
* * *
I guess my ex approves of my foot fetish after all. In the plea agreement, she insists I maintain at least 50 of them.
* * *
Captain Nemo had his Labrador retriever onboard the Nautilus at all times. He found its bark soothing. This was the first recorded use of a sub-woofer.
* * *
I’m ashamed to admit it, but I fell for the old “Nigerian Prince” scam... thought I was paying for the original soundtrack to “Purple Rain”.
* * *
Glass slipper my eye! If Cinderella really wanted to make an impression, she’d have worn a glass dress.
* * *
My girlfriend wants me to go into dentistry. I, however, am determined to become a manicurist. It’s caused a great deal of consternation; we’ve been fighting tooth and nail.
* * *
So, you want a joke about a broken compass, eh? Sorry. I really don’t know where to go with this.
* * *
An out-of-work violinist got himself a gig at a strip club, but it didn’t last long. He spent too much time fiddling with the g-string.
* * *
When I was 10 years old, my dad sat me down and gave this advice: “Son, when the going gets tough, the tough get going!” I haven’t seen him since.
* * *
“What does an angel use to light a cigarette? A match made in Heaven!”
“I didn’t even know that cigarettes were allowed in Heaven! Holy smoke!”
* * *
My girlfriend is dependable as the morning newspaper. There’s a new issue every goddamned day.
* * *
She: “You’ve never had anything good to say about my relatives! You hate them all!”
He: “That’s not true. I like your mother-in-law better than I like my own.”
* * *
A lady traffic cop pulled me over yesterday. I rolled down my window and asked, “What’s wrong, officer?”
She replied, “Well if you don’t know, I’m certainly not going to tell you!”
* * *
Why did Steve Irwin approach the stingray?
He was eager for a manta-man talk.
* * *
Through special exercise and diligent effort, I’ve been able to increase my penis size to 21 inches. I thought my wife would be pleased; instead, this obsession has caused her to leave me. She just couldn’t stand it any longer.
* * *
Two chimpanzees traipse from water hole to water hole beneath the blazing sun of an African drought.
First chimpanzee: “Ooh ooh! Aah aah! Eee eee!”
Second chimpanzee: “Walk in the shade, jackass!”
* * *
I’m giving my grandpa a shoutout; it’s the only way he can hear me.
* * *
Blonde: “How come you’re impounding my car? The guy I collided with was on his cell phone! And he was drinking!”
Cop: “Yeah, but you’re allowed to do that when you’re relaxing on your lawn.”
* * *
I got thrown out of the movie theater for bringing my own food. You can hardly blame me... prices at the concession counter are outrageous. All the same, they had a point. The glow from the barbecue really was interfering with the show.
* * *
Word on the street is... YIELD.
* * *
I was eating at a diner yesterday, when the waitress suddenly blurted out, “Does anybody know CPR?”
“Hell yes!” I came back, “I know the whole damned alphabet!”
Best spontaneous joke ever! Everybody laughed... execpt this one damned humorless guy.[/FONT]
