Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I procrastinate so much, my wife claims I'm addicted to delay. But I'm not worried... I can start anytime I want to.
Leo the Lion is usually regarded as the most fearsome of animals, but don't underestimate Vlad the Impala.
Patient: "Doctor, I can't ever relax. I feel as though I'm bobbing forever on a surging, angry ocean."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was a buoy."
One of my uncles is an infamous Central American dictator; he never sends out any letters because his secretary doesn't speak a word of Spanish.
Customer: "Waitress, I'd like a lobster tail, please!"
Waitress: "Certainly, sir. There once was a sad little lobster named Lenny... "
I have a very peculiar hobby; I collect vintage rolls of Lifesavers. Only the best... each one is in mint condition.
After exhaustive research, experts have determined the chief biological difference between a coyote and a flea: one of them howls on the prairie, while the other prowls on the hairy.
I became so disgusted with my latest graphic rendering that I tore it to pieces and burned it. Art lovers were aghast; my tattoo parlor customer was none too pleased about it either.
An ant hill is usually thought of as a center of industry, but I'd argue that it's really devoted to self-indulgence. Inside, the queen breeds millions of servants who's only purpose is to fulfill her every need and comfort. That's how the hedonist credo got started: live for the mom ant.
I got the results back from Ancestry DNA today and I'm pleased to report that my heritage is half Welsh, half Hungarian! That's right, I'm officially Wel-Hung!
"I think we should stop testing our product on animals."
"Hey, I know it's controversial, but animal testing saves thousands of human lives every year. Just look at the pharmaceutical industry."
"George... we make hammers."
I used to have a terrific job as a lifeguard. I saved people of every race and ethnicity... black or white, pale or tan, color made no difference to me. That's until the little blue boy got me fired.
Hear about the blond surfer who was short on cash? She paddled out to find a lone shark.
My brother had just one thing to say at the city council meeting: "Dom DeLuise!" Who knew his words would carry so much weight!
Q: Is Arnold Schwartzenegger pro or anti-abortion?
A: His well known phrase says it all: "Hasta la vista, baby."
My granddad is a 75 year old millionaire with controlling interest in a multinational corporation and a 25 year old hottie wife. Most of my family resent her; they think she's only after his money. But I disagree: I believe she married him strictly for his company.
Did you know that Caspar the Ghost became a Boy Scout? He used to do his daily good deed by scaring little old ladies across the street.
My dad has skipped out on his cab fare for the last 40 years. But that's about to change; he was finally taken into custody for taxi-vasion.
Some joker just stole my bottle of NoDoz! I'd like to know how this guy sleeps at night!
I can't understand why people win awards for spelling bees. B-E-E-S... how tough is that?
The right element can make all the difference. Breathe water, and you drown. But if you breathe fire... you're Godzilla.
My uncle was beaten up yesterday for having a Trump bumper sticker on his car. And if he doesn't take the damn thing off, I'll do it again!
* * *
Leo the Lion is usually regarded as the most fearsome of animals, but don't underestimate Vlad the Impala.
* * *
Patient: "Doctor, I can't ever relax. I feel as though I'm bobbing forever on a surging, angry ocean."
Psychiatrist: "How long has this been going on?"
Patient: "Ever since I was a buoy."
* * *
One of my uncles is an infamous Central American dictator; he never sends out any letters because his secretary doesn't speak a word of Spanish.
* * *
Customer: "Waitress, I'd like a lobster tail, please!"
Waitress: "Certainly, sir. There once was a sad little lobster named Lenny... "
* * *
I have a very peculiar hobby; I collect vintage rolls of Lifesavers. Only the best... each one is in mint condition.
* * *
After exhaustive research, experts have determined the chief biological difference between a coyote and a flea: one of them howls on the prairie, while the other prowls on the hairy.
* * *
I became so disgusted with my latest graphic rendering that I tore it to pieces and burned it. Art lovers were aghast; my tattoo parlor customer was none too pleased about it either.
* * *
An ant hill is usually thought of as a center of industry, but I'd argue that it's really devoted to self-indulgence. Inside, the queen breeds millions of servants who's only purpose is to fulfill her every need and comfort. That's how the hedonist credo got started: live for the mom ant.
* * *
I got the results back from Ancestry DNA today and I'm pleased to report that my heritage is half Welsh, half Hungarian! That's right, I'm officially Wel-Hung!
* * *
"I think we should stop testing our product on animals."
"Hey, I know it's controversial, but animal testing saves thousands of human lives every year. Just look at the pharmaceutical industry."
"George... we make hammers."
* * *
I used to have a terrific job as a lifeguard. I saved people of every race and ethnicity... black or white, pale or tan, color made no difference to me. That's until the little blue boy got me fired.
* * *
Hear about the blond surfer who was short on cash? She paddled out to find a lone shark.
* * *
My brother had just one thing to say at the city council meeting: "Dom DeLuise!" Who knew his words would carry so much weight!
* * *
Q: Is Arnold Schwartzenegger pro or anti-abortion?
A: His well known phrase says it all: "Hasta la vista, baby."
* * *
My granddad is a 75 year old millionaire with controlling interest in a multinational corporation and a 25 year old hottie wife. Most of my family resent her; they think she's only after his money. But I disagree: I believe she married him strictly for his company.
* * *
Did you know that Caspar the Ghost became a Boy Scout? He used to do his daily good deed by scaring little old ladies across the street.
* * *
My dad has skipped out on his cab fare for the last 40 years. But that's about to change; he was finally taken into custody for taxi-vasion.
* * *
Some joker just stole my bottle of NoDoz! I'd like to know how this guy sleeps at night!
* * *
I can't understand why people win awards for spelling bees. B-E-E-S... how tough is that?
* * *
The right element can make all the difference. Breathe water, and you drown. But if you breathe fire... you're Godzilla.
* * *
My uncle was beaten up yesterday for having a Trump bumper sticker on his car. And if he doesn't take the damn thing off, I'll do it again!
