Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
Every time Sherlock Holmes becomes restless, he lunches at a little Mexican restaurant. It's the best place in town to get a good case idea.
Last night's bar fight was brutal! How brutal? I walked away with a broken arm, two black eyes and a bloody nose! And unless I'm asked real nice, I don't intend to give 'em back!
Blonde: "I got problems. My boyfriend wants to start doing quickies during our lunch hour."
Brunette: "How's that a problem?
Blonde: "Suppose we go faster than the speed limit?"
Brunette: "There's a speed limit for sex?"
Blonde: "Yeah, no faster than 68. Once you hit 69, you blow a rod."
My wife bought some sexy new underwear to help spice up our love life, but it's had the opposite effect: every time she has it on, she reminds me of my mother. Must be a Freudian slip.
One lesbian frog to another: "You know, they're right... we do taste like chicken."
I walked into the bedroom to find my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot! Dammit, I had plans to eat that stupid thing! Now it's gonna taste like a carrot!
Q: How does the most advanced kitchen appliance show its distain for the food?
A: By giving it a micro wave.
I battled the Space Invaders throughout the late '80s... so unquenchable was my bloodlust, I'd figure out ways to man the controls without ever paying. You could say that I gave my opponents no quarter.
It's generally men who march off to fight for national prestige, whereas women are more concerned about family. Blame it on biology... men are the only one's with pro-state glands.
I'm beginning to suspect my wife of being unfaithful. Is it normal to move from New York to the west coast, but still have the same mailman?
Dentist: "Sit down and open wide."
Blonde: "I can't. This chair's arms are getting in the way."
I just got back from the hardware store, where I noticed a paint color I've never before seen: blonde. It's not terribly bright, but it spreads easily.
When a man loves a woman, he offers his hand in marriage. When it comes time for them to split up, she takes an additional arm and leg.
I recently acquired William Shatner's hairpiece, the one he wore in many of his screen and TV appearances. Even though I'm a huge Star Trek fan, I intend to sell it. Don't judge me... I have Bill's toupee.
Q: A reckless teenager went through the windshield and clear across the road. What caused that?
A: He was playing chicken.
Yeah, I read that hot new thriller and I'm here to tell you it's a ripoff! Ever hear of plagiarism? Ever hear of Merriam-Webster? Well, every word of that novel came out of their dictionary!
Prohibition speakeasies were frequently located in basements to minimize detection; as a result, they catered to many of society's worst elements. The bar was set too low.
I switched energy providers today: drank a Monster instead of a Red Bull.
To focus totally on the surrounding ocean, a ship's lookout has to block out personal concerns entirely... not exactly what one expects from naval gazing.
How much of the general population's bad with fractions? I'd say a solid 5/4ths.
The psychic mediums next door are childless. It's all due to their professional considerations: she has tarot cards, he has crystal balls.
Brunette: "So, what did you name the quadruplets?"
Blonde: "Eeny, Meeny, Miny and Jeff."
Brunette: "Jeff?"
Blonde: "Yeah. I didn't want any Mo."
* * *
Last night's bar fight was brutal! How brutal? I walked away with a broken arm, two black eyes and a bloody nose! And unless I'm asked real nice, I don't intend to give 'em back!
* * *
Blonde: "I got problems. My boyfriend wants to start doing quickies during our lunch hour."
Brunette: "How's that a problem?
Blonde: "Suppose we go faster than the speed limit?"
Brunette: "There's a speed limit for sex?"
Blonde: "Yeah, no faster than 68. Once you hit 69, you blow a rod."
* * *
My wife bought some sexy new underwear to help spice up our love life, but it's had the opposite effect: every time she has it on, she reminds me of my mother. Must be a Freudian slip.
* * *
One lesbian frog to another: "You know, they're right... we do taste like chicken."
* * *
I walked into the bedroom to find my girlfriend masturbating with a carrot! Dammit, I had plans to eat that stupid thing! Now it's gonna taste like a carrot!
* * *
Q: How does the most advanced kitchen appliance show its distain for the food?
A: By giving it a micro wave.
* * *
I battled the Space Invaders throughout the late '80s... so unquenchable was my bloodlust, I'd figure out ways to man the controls without ever paying. You could say that I gave my opponents no quarter.
* * *
It's generally men who march off to fight for national prestige, whereas women are more concerned about family. Blame it on biology... men are the only one's with pro-state glands.
* * *
I'm beginning to suspect my wife of being unfaithful. Is it normal to move from New York to the west coast, but still have the same mailman?
* * *
Dentist: "Sit down and open wide."
Blonde: "I can't. This chair's arms are getting in the way."
* * *
I just got back from the hardware store, where I noticed a paint color I've never before seen: blonde. It's not terribly bright, but it spreads easily.
* * *
When a man loves a woman, he offers his hand in marriage. When it comes time for them to split up, she takes an additional arm and leg.
* * *
I recently acquired William Shatner's hairpiece, the one he wore in many of his screen and TV appearances. Even though I'm a huge Star Trek fan, I intend to sell it. Don't judge me... I have Bill's toupee.
* * *
Q: A reckless teenager went through the windshield and clear across the road. What caused that?
A: He was playing chicken.
* * *
Yeah, I read that hot new thriller and I'm here to tell you it's a ripoff! Ever hear of plagiarism? Ever hear of Merriam-Webster? Well, every word of that novel came out of their dictionary!
* * *
Prohibition speakeasies were frequently located in basements to minimize detection; as a result, they catered to many of society's worst elements. The bar was set too low.
* * *
I switched energy providers today: drank a Monster instead of a Red Bull.
* * *
To focus totally on the surrounding ocean, a ship's lookout has to block out personal concerns entirely... not exactly what one expects from naval gazing.
* * *
How much of the general population's bad with fractions? I'd say a solid 5/4ths.
* * *
The psychic mediums next door are childless. It's all due to their professional considerations: she has tarot cards, he has crystal balls.
* * *
Brunette: "So, what did you name the quadruplets?"
Blonde: "Eeny, Meeny, Miny and Jeff."
Brunette: "Jeff?"
Blonde: "Yeah. I didn't want any Mo."
