Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
I went to the pet shop yesterday to buy a goldfish.
"Yes sir," the clerk told me. "How about an aquarium?"
Like I really cared about its Zodiac sign!
A new addition has been made to the Periodic Table, AH! It's the element of surprise!
My girlfriend made mention of her job at a place called the Mustang Ranch. Why they don't fire her, I don't know; she can't seem to keep her calves together.
A helicopter crashes into an open field. Witnesses rush over and help the pilot and his blonde passenger out of the wreckage.
"What happened?" one of the rescuers inquires.
"It was so cold up there!" the blonde moans. "I just had to turn off that fan!"
My daughter makes endless excuses why her dresses are appropriate. But I've seen through every one of them.
Cortez: "We are the Spanish! We are your new masters! You don't deserve to rule the Aztecs!"
Montezuma: "Sez you! I made lot of sacrifices to get where I am today!"
I took my Little Boy to Japan! He had a blast in Hiroshima!
Japan has the lowest obesity rate in the world. Small wonder... the last Fat Man made a hell of a mess.
He: "Why are you looking so pleased with yourself?"
She: "I just got back from the doctor! He told me I have the body of an 18 year old!"
He: "Did he happen to mention your 50 year old ass?"
She: "Nope. Your name never came up."
I walked past a homeless guy on the street. The sign he was holding read "This could be you tomorrow." So I put the dollar back in my pocket; who knows, he might be right!
Albert Einstein was a highly respected genius. His brother Frank, on the other hand, was a bit of a monster.
My brother just got arrested; seems he's been robbing graves! I knew he was up to some skullduggery!
"Maybe you can help settle a bar bet: how many shots can an Irishman handle?"
"Evidently he's done after the 10th round."
Conor McGregor loves springtime! No wonder... you just can't beat May weather!
Floyd Mayweather's record is now 52-0. But only if you include women.
Reverend Jim Jones was the best boxer ever! He knocked out over 900 people with one punch!
I belong to a farming co-op; this week I received my share of the wheat harvest. I'll never do that again! What a headache it was to get my grain!
Buying a calendar is like sitting on Death Row: your days are numbered.
My grandfather served during WWII. He brought down dozens of German planes and was personally responsible for the demise of 20 German pilots... easily the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
She: "You can argue with me or you can argue with this knife!"
He: "Fine. I pick the knife. At least it has a point."
I swapped our double bed for a trampoline. I'm quite pleased, but my wife hit the roof.
Two ICBMs meet in midair going in opposite directions.
American ICBM: "Hi there!"
North Korean ICBM: "Hi to you! Looks like we'll be visiting each other's countries! So tell me... what's the USA like?"
American ICBM: "Oh it's just great! America is one of the richest, most progressive nations in the world! And how about North Korea?"
North Korean ICBM: "Well, not so hot. The leader's a fat dolt, the citizens are starving and frankly the whole missile program's kind of a joke."
American ICBM: "Screw this, then! I'm going back home."
"Yes sir," the clerk told me. "How about an aquarium?"
Like I really cared about its Zodiac sign!
* * *
A new addition has been made to the Periodic Table, AH! It's the element of surprise!
* * *
My girlfriend made mention of her job at a place called the Mustang Ranch. Why they don't fire her, I don't know; she can't seem to keep her calves together.
* * *
A helicopter crashes into an open field. Witnesses rush over and help the pilot and his blonde passenger out of the wreckage.
"What happened?" one of the rescuers inquires.
"It was so cold up there!" the blonde moans. "I just had to turn off that fan!"
* * *
My daughter makes endless excuses why her dresses are appropriate. But I've seen through every one of them.
* * *
Cortez: "We are the Spanish! We are your new masters! You don't deserve to rule the Aztecs!"
Montezuma: "Sez you! I made lot of sacrifices to get where I am today!"
* * *
I took my Little Boy to Japan! He had a blast in Hiroshima!
* * *
Japan has the lowest obesity rate in the world. Small wonder... the last Fat Man made a hell of a mess.
* * *
He: "Why are you looking so pleased with yourself?"
She: "I just got back from the doctor! He told me I have the body of an 18 year old!"
He: "Did he happen to mention your 50 year old ass?"
She: "Nope. Your name never came up."
* * *
I walked past a homeless guy on the street. The sign he was holding read "This could be you tomorrow." So I put the dollar back in my pocket; who knows, he might be right!
* * *
Albert Einstein was a highly respected genius. His brother Frank, on the other hand, was a bit of a monster.
* * *
My brother just got arrested; seems he's been robbing graves! I knew he was up to some skullduggery!
* * *
"Maybe you can help settle a bar bet: how many shots can an Irishman handle?"
"Evidently he's done after the 10th round."
* * *
Conor McGregor loves springtime! No wonder... you just can't beat May weather!
* * *
Floyd Mayweather's record is now 52-0. But only if you include women.
* * *
Reverend Jim Jones was the best boxer ever! He knocked out over 900 people with one punch!
* * *
I belong to a farming co-op; this week I received my share of the wheat harvest. I'll never do that again! What a headache it was to get my grain!
* * *
Buying a calendar is like sitting on Death Row: your days are numbered.
* * *
My grandfather served during WWII. He brought down dozens of German planes and was personally responsible for the demise of 20 German pilots... easily the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.
* * *
She: "You can argue with me or you can argue with this knife!"
He: "Fine. I pick the knife. At least it has a point."
* * *
I swapped our double bed for a trampoline. I'm quite pleased, but my wife hit the roof.
* * *
Two ICBMs meet in midair going in opposite directions.
American ICBM: "Hi there!"
North Korean ICBM: "Hi to you! Looks like we'll be visiting each other's countries! So tell me... what's the USA like?"
American ICBM: "Oh it's just great! America is one of the richest, most progressive nations in the world! And how about North Korea?"
North Korean ICBM: "Well, not so hot. The leader's a fat dolt, the citizens are starving and frankly the whole missile program's kind of a joke."
American ICBM: "Screw this, then! I'm going back home."
