Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Art is vitally important to our planet. Without it, Earth would be no more than "Eh...".
Had a nasty surprise last night; I'd just gotten to the hottest part a super-sleazy XXX tape when my mother walked into the room! I had no idea she'd ever worked in the porn industry!
During sieges, police will sometimes warn that screeching tones or loud music will be blasted over loudspeakers until surrender is achieved. This tactic has always been controversial; no civilized nation should issue deaf threats.
My grandfather left the USSR, coming to the USA in search of freedom. It didn't do him much good... my grandmother immigrated right afterward to track him down.
She: "What's the difference between a penguin and a prostitute?"
He: "I dunno... what's the difference between a penguin and a prostitute?"
She: "See, Frank? This is why they won't let you back into the zoo!"
Sage advice from my uncle: when someone close to you dies, don't get all caught up in contemplation and regret... find yourself different seat immediately!
Blonde: "So, how was your trip to Italy?"
Brunette: "Quite enjoyable! We had a great time! One thing, though... I tried over a dozen different kinds of pizza there and none of them were as good as the ones we get at Tony's here in the US."
Blonde: "That's to be expected. Over there, they use nothing but domestic cheese and meats. At Tony's, it's all imported!"
I refer to my scrotum as "wonka". That may sound random, but it isn't... wonka is all that lies between willy and the chocolate factory.
Blonde: "What's the capital of Alaska?"
Brunette: "Ummmm... Juno?"
Blonde: "Of course I don't! That's why I asked!"
My brother has a mind like a steel trap. That's why he's got game.
Clark Kent never should have used Bruce Wayne as his financial advisor. Bruce had him over every Wednesday evening for a wealth-building seminar... all it ever amounted to was Crypto night.
It's true, I have an inferiority complex. Fortunately, it's not a very good one.
Hens only make the one sound; they simply can't think outside the bawks.
He: "You should meet my uncle! He's in a very interesting line of work... taxidermy!"
She: "A taxidermist, eh? I don't know much about the field. What exactly does he do?"
He: "Oh, lots of stuff."
My brother's a taxidermist, but the quality of his work has declined. He hasn't been filling well.
Shakespeare reportedly owned a cat, but the breed isn't certain. Tabby or not tabby... that is the question.
A street artist did my portrait for 75 cents. I handed him a buck, he gave me back change. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd been drawn and quartered.
Q: Where's the best place to find fossilized ferns?
A: Go to a petrified florist.
I always get the same kind of poppy seed muffin for lunch, but today the bakery offered twice as many toppings for a small price increase. The old order has been super-seeded!
"Dad, what's the difference between a centipede and a millipede?"
"None really, son. They're both European equivalents of the inch worm."
Today I was able to beat the chess club champion with just one move! The rest of the karate class was so proud!
Patient: "I don't think these sessions are doing me any good. I feel more suicidal now than ever!"
Therapist: "Oh, that's really not so serious. From now on, just pay me in advance."
* * *
Had a nasty surprise last night; I'd just gotten to the hottest part a super-sleazy XXX tape when my mother walked into the room! I had no idea she'd ever worked in the porn industry!
* * *
During sieges, police will sometimes warn that screeching tones or loud music will be blasted over loudspeakers until surrender is achieved. This tactic has always been controversial; no civilized nation should issue deaf threats.
* * *
My grandfather left the USSR, coming to the USA in search of freedom. It didn't do him much good... my grandmother immigrated right afterward to track him down.
* * *
She: "What's the difference between a penguin and a prostitute?"
He: "I dunno... what's the difference between a penguin and a prostitute?"
She: "See, Frank? This is why they won't let you back into the zoo!"
* * *
Sage advice from my uncle: when someone close to you dies, don't get all caught up in contemplation and regret... find yourself different seat immediately!
* * *
Blonde: "So, how was your trip to Italy?"
Brunette: "Quite enjoyable! We had a great time! One thing, though... I tried over a dozen different kinds of pizza there and none of them were as good as the ones we get at Tony's here in the US."
Blonde: "That's to be expected. Over there, they use nothing but domestic cheese and meats. At Tony's, it's all imported!"
* * *
I refer to my scrotum as "wonka". That may sound random, but it isn't... wonka is all that lies between willy and the chocolate factory.
* * *
Blonde: "What's the capital of Alaska?"
Brunette: "Ummmm... Juno?"
Blonde: "Of course I don't! That's why I asked!"
* * *
My brother has a mind like a steel trap. That's why he's got game.
* * *
Clark Kent never should have used Bruce Wayne as his financial advisor. Bruce had him over every Wednesday evening for a wealth-building seminar... all it ever amounted to was Crypto night.
* * *
It's true, I have an inferiority complex. Fortunately, it's not a very good one.
* * *
Hens only make the one sound; they simply can't think outside the bawks.
* * *
He: "You should meet my uncle! He's in a very interesting line of work... taxidermy!"
She: "A taxidermist, eh? I don't know much about the field. What exactly does he do?"
He: "Oh, lots of stuff."
* * *
My brother's a taxidermist, but the quality of his work has declined. He hasn't been filling well.
* * *
Shakespeare reportedly owned a cat, but the breed isn't certain. Tabby or not tabby... that is the question.
* * *
A street artist did my portrait for 75 cents. I handed him a buck, he gave me back change. It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd been drawn and quartered.
* * *
Q: Where's the best place to find fossilized ferns?
A: Go to a petrified florist.
* * *
I always get the same kind of poppy seed muffin for lunch, but today the bakery offered twice as many toppings for a small price increase. The old order has been super-seeded!
* * *
"Dad, what's the difference between a centipede and a millipede?"
"None really, son. They're both European equivalents of the inch worm."
* * *
Today I was able to beat the chess club champion with just one move! The rest of the karate class was so proud!
* * *
Patient: "I don't think these sessions are doing me any good. I feel more suicidal now than ever!"
Therapist: "Oh, that's really not so serious. From now on, just pay me in advance."
