Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Junior's finally decided to act like a man... he's getting married next month. A lot of fathers mourn the loss of their boy, but not me. The way I see it, I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a sofa.
Q: How did the Tudors attain the throne of England?
A: They got there in a coup.
I used to stock trampolines in my sporting goods store, but liability is just too risky these days. I'd be especially vulnerable if I happened to sell one to somebody suicidal. The only mitigation would be to place a warning on the bounce mat that reads, "Don't Jump!"
Nanobots are just like humans... they have weakness for junk food. Word is they're hooked on microchips.
I don't understand why so damn many folks get uptight about fetishes involving furries! Haven't you guys ever been to a damn ball game? They're just like fucking mascots!
Scooby-Doo has been assigned to investigate the murder of Hamlet. He should have special insight into the case... the victim was also a great Dane.
When I was a youngster, I was part of a farm family and mostly isolated from other kids. My best friend was a pretend friend: an 8 foot tall magical Chinese panda bear. Most kids grow out of these fantasies, but not me... with the support of my big bear buddy, I made it through college at the top of my class and am now an important captain of industry! Just goes to show you the power of imagine Asian!
One cow was introduced to another cow and now they're completely inseparable! They got together through Grindr.
"I just learned that Rubens was a Flemish artist."
"Well, that sure spoils my admiration for him! I prefer artists who use paint!"
You gotta hand it to the Aztecs! They sacrificed a lot to get where they are today!
My wife really loves the great outdoors, so last week we traveled to one of our state parks. The first thing she did when we got out of the car was to rush over to a bunch of wildflowers and holler, "Hey, peonies!"
Why'd she get so pissed off? It was her suggestion!
Shopper: "My little boy refuses to eat fish. Can you recommend a good substitute?"
Butcher: "You might try a cat. Cats will always eat fish."
This is the first time I've worked on a farm and my first job is to make sure all the sheep become pregnant. So, I've loaded 'em into the truck and taken 'em over to Staples; it's the only place I know where they can get laminated.
Nobody watches Mr. Bean anymore. People are currently calling him Has Bean.
To recapture part of his lost popularity, O.J. Simpson started up his own line of sportswear. Last time I looked, none of the stores were stocking it: the gloves didn't fit, so he must'a quit.
A great performer always leaves his audience wanting more! That's what I tell my girlfriend when she bugs me about my performance in bed.
During the '40s, Germany was frantic to dig raw materials out of the earth to supply its war effort. The excavation companies hated this level of desperation... the last thing they wanted was mine furor.
Back in the 1800s, there wasn't that much difference between the Russians and the Germans. Pee on any Russian and he immediately became a Prussian.
You may have read about all the Russian officials who've fallen out of windows in this past year. That's to be expected when you get rid of your iron curtains.
Cinderella got her name from the work she did cleaning ashes from the fireplace. Prior to that, she was employed by a pizza parlor, where she was known as Mozzarella.
My cousin got fired from his job for giving away free samples. Too bad... he says he really enjoyed working at the sperm bank.
The Spirit of Death came to collect Beethoven's soul. The first thing it asked him was, "Tell me, Ludwig... do you believe you deserve to go to Heaven or to Hell?"
To which the great composer replied: "... huh?"
* * *
Q: How did the Tudors attain the throne of England?
A: They got there in a coup.
* * *
I used to stock trampolines in my sporting goods store, but liability is just too risky these days. I'd be especially vulnerable if I happened to sell one to somebody suicidal. The only mitigation would be to place a warning on the bounce mat that reads, "Don't Jump!"
* * *
Nanobots are just like humans... they have weakness for junk food. Word is they're hooked on microchips.
* * *
I don't understand why so damn many folks get uptight about fetishes involving furries! Haven't you guys ever been to a damn ball game? They're just like fucking mascots!
* * *
Scooby-Doo has been assigned to investigate the murder of Hamlet. He should have special insight into the case... the victim was also a great Dane.
* * *
When I was a youngster, I was part of a farm family and mostly isolated from other kids. My best friend was a pretend friend: an 8 foot tall magical Chinese panda bear. Most kids grow out of these fantasies, but not me... with the support of my big bear buddy, I made it through college at the top of my class and am now an important captain of industry! Just goes to show you the power of imagine Asian!
* * *
One cow was introduced to another cow and now they're completely inseparable! They got together through Grindr.
* * *
"I just learned that Rubens was a Flemish artist."
"Well, that sure spoils my admiration for him! I prefer artists who use paint!"
* * *
You gotta hand it to the Aztecs! They sacrificed a lot to get where they are today!
* * *
My wife really loves the great outdoors, so last week we traveled to one of our state parks. The first thing she did when we got out of the car was to rush over to a bunch of wildflowers and holler, "Hey, peonies!"
Why'd she get so pissed off? It was her suggestion!
* * *
Shopper: "My little boy refuses to eat fish. Can you recommend a good substitute?"
Butcher: "You might try a cat. Cats will always eat fish."
* * *
This is the first time I've worked on a farm and my first job is to make sure all the sheep become pregnant. So, I've loaded 'em into the truck and taken 'em over to Staples; it's the only place I know where they can get laminated.
* * *
Nobody watches Mr. Bean anymore. People are currently calling him Has Bean.
* * *
To recapture part of his lost popularity, O.J. Simpson started up his own line of sportswear. Last time I looked, none of the stores were stocking it: the gloves didn't fit, so he must'a quit.
* * *
A great performer always leaves his audience wanting more! That's what I tell my girlfriend when she bugs me about my performance in bed.
* * *
During the '40s, Germany was frantic to dig raw materials out of the earth to supply its war effort. The excavation companies hated this level of desperation... the last thing they wanted was mine furor.
* * *
Back in the 1800s, there wasn't that much difference between the Russians and the Germans. Pee on any Russian and he immediately became a Prussian.
* * *
You may have read about all the Russian officials who've fallen out of windows in this past year. That's to be expected when you get rid of your iron curtains.
* * *
Cinderella got her name from the work she did cleaning ashes from the fireplace. Prior to that, she was employed by a pizza parlor, where she was known as Mozzarella.
* * *
My cousin got fired from his job for giving away free samples. Too bad... he says he really enjoyed working at the sperm bank.
* * *
The Spirit of Death came to collect Beethoven's soul. The first thing it asked him was, "Tell me, Ludwig... do you believe you deserve to go to Heaven or to Hell?"
To which the great composer replied: "... huh?"
