Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Our local court judge couldn't figure out if he wanted to visit Mt. Rushmore on his vacation or go to Philadelphia to see the Liberty Bell. It isn't easy to make a landmark decision.
Brunette: "You just met that guy in a seedy bar! Please tell me you're not going back to his place alone!"
Blonde: "Of course not, silly! He'll be coming with me!"
Our town council passed an ordinance stating that all burials should be 6 feet deep... all except for dead lawyers. From now on, they'll be buried 60 feet deep. Everyone figures they could use a good head start.
Child labor needs to be abolished instantly! Damn kids don't know how to make anything that lasts!
Six weeks ago, I paid for a gym membership; so far, I haven't lost a single damn pound! Tomorrow I'm going down there in person to find out what the heck they're doing wrong!
Have you heard? Tesla's branching out into yard-care equipment! I can't wait to pick up a brand-new E-lawn!
If I had a nickel for every scam phone call I've received, I might actually be able to afford that extended warranty they keep bugging me about!
Job interviewer: "We're looking for candidates with plenty of experience. Do you have any?"
Job candidate: "You bet! This is my twentieth interview today!"
The octopus shows up for the duel proclaiming, "I've got eight pistols, one for each hand!"
His opponent, the cat, observes, "You're one short, pal!"
Instead of the phone, I always shout my complaints into the air-conditioning system. That's how I vent my rage.
You may not know it, but sweet potatoes are brain food: I think, therefore I yam.
My wife just completed a forty-week body-building course. We're naming the results Sidney, after my dad.
Blonde: "Well, I finally know what kind of car God owns: a Plymouth!"
Brunette: "How did you work that out?"
Blonde: "Last Sunday, the preacher told us that He drove Adam and Eve out of Paradise in His Fury!"
Q: And what kind of car did Jesus buy?
A: That should be obvious: a Christler.
I don't read comic books... I don't want anything to do with comic books! If you don't think they're a bad influence, just look at this character called Superman... why would anyone glamorize a common thief like him? Don't believe it's true? His very nickname is a giveaway: the man of steal!
"The lady who was supposed to help you through your home birth just called; she's had a traffic accident and won't be showing up for at least 5 hours!"
"This is so unfair! I'm too young to be going through a midwife crisis!"
My son wanted a racecar bed, but I never bought him one because they're so poorly constructed and the paint jobs are so messy. I found him one shaped like an aircraft carrier instead... far more shipshape.
I'm 40 years old and I still sleep in a racecar shaped bed. It's a perfect place to crash.
I'd never get my little boy a racecar bed! Why would I want him getting used to falling asleep behind the wheel!
Mr. T's invisible friend, Harvey, encouraged him to not only join the Jewish faith but to become a leader in the synagogue. Many believe Harvey had an ulterior motive... everyone now refers to the former A-Team star as Rabbi T.
I just picked up a video game that's supposed to help my kids learn how to read; imagine my outrage when I discovered that it doesn't contain the complete alphabet! Only 23 letters are included... you have to pay extra for DLC!
An elephant enters a crowded room. Nobody acknowledges him.
The elephant leaves. In fifteen minutes, he's back with 10 of his pachyderm buddies and everyone now recognizes him.
"That's amazing!" cheers the host. "How did you do it?"
"Simple!" the great beast states with pride. "You just have to make yourself herd!"
* * *
Brunette: "You just met that guy in a seedy bar! Please tell me you're not going back to his place alone!"
Blonde: "Of course not, silly! He'll be coming with me!"
* * *
Our town council passed an ordinance stating that all burials should be 6 feet deep... all except for dead lawyers. From now on, they'll be buried 60 feet deep. Everyone figures they could use a good head start.
* * *
Child labor needs to be abolished instantly! Damn kids don't know how to make anything that lasts!
* * *
Six weeks ago, I paid for a gym membership; so far, I haven't lost a single damn pound! Tomorrow I'm going down there in person to find out what the heck they're doing wrong!
* * *
Have you heard? Tesla's branching out into yard-care equipment! I can't wait to pick up a brand-new E-lawn!
* * *
If I had a nickel for every scam phone call I've received, I might actually be able to afford that extended warranty they keep bugging me about!
* * *
Job interviewer: "We're looking for candidates with plenty of experience. Do you have any?"
Job candidate: "You bet! This is my twentieth interview today!"
* * *
The octopus shows up for the duel proclaiming, "I've got eight pistols, one for each hand!"
His opponent, the cat, observes, "You're one short, pal!"
* * *
Instead of the phone, I always shout my complaints into the air-conditioning system. That's how I vent my rage.
* * *
You may not know it, but sweet potatoes are brain food: I think, therefore I yam.
* * *
My wife just completed a forty-week body-building course. We're naming the results Sidney, after my dad.
* * *
Blonde: "Well, I finally know what kind of car God owns: a Plymouth!"
Brunette: "How did you work that out?"
Blonde: "Last Sunday, the preacher told us that He drove Adam and Eve out of Paradise in His Fury!"
* * *
Q: And what kind of car did Jesus buy?
A: That should be obvious: a Christler.
* * *
I don't read comic books... I don't want anything to do with comic books! If you don't think they're a bad influence, just look at this character called Superman... why would anyone glamorize a common thief like him? Don't believe it's true? His very nickname is a giveaway: the man of steal!
* * *
"The lady who was supposed to help you through your home birth just called; she's had a traffic accident and won't be showing up for at least 5 hours!"
"This is so unfair! I'm too young to be going through a midwife crisis!"
* * *
My son wanted a racecar bed, but I never bought him one because they're so poorly constructed and the paint jobs are so messy. I found him one shaped like an aircraft carrier instead... far more shipshape.
* * *
I'm 40 years old and I still sleep in a racecar shaped bed. It's a perfect place to crash.
* * *
I'd never get my little boy a racecar bed! Why would I want him getting used to falling asleep behind the wheel!
* * *
Mr. T's invisible friend, Harvey, encouraged him to not only join the Jewish faith but to become a leader in the synagogue. Many believe Harvey had an ulterior motive... everyone now refers to the former A-Team star as Rabbi T.
* * *
I just picked up a video game that's supposed to help my kids learn how to read; imagine my outrage when I discovered that it doesn't contain the complete alphabet! Only 23 letters are included... you have to pay extra for DLC!
* * *
An elephant enters a crowded room. Nobody acknowledges him.
The elephant leaves. In fifteen minutes, he's back with 10 of his pachyderm buddies and everyone now recognizes him.
"That's amazing!" cheers the host. "How did you do it?"
"Simple!" the great beast states with pride. "You just have to make yourself herd!"
