Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
Chinese authorities seem intend on banning Facebook. I can't understand why... it is, after all, a social list.
I was extremely eager to see my mother-in-law which, surprisingly, angered my wife. I wasn't alone... the viewing was very well attended.
An Arctic explorer froze to death in his attempt to reach the North Pole, and when his body was discovered it was sent back home for burial. His young son was overjoyed at the news; he always wanted a big popsicle.
Every time the doorbell rings, my dog rushes to the corner. Folks told me that might happen if I got a Boxer.
Q: How do you get the best mountain view?
A: Take a peak.
I often wish I was a millionaire, like my father. He died destitute, but he too always wished he was a millionaire.
You can tell the Titanic was really well made. It's been out of commission for over a hundred years, and yet the swimming pool still holds water.
I want to apologize to everyone about all the recent forest fires. According to Smokey Bear, I'm the only one who could have prevented them.
Robin Hood: "I've been thinking... suppose we take all the money we've stolen from rich landowners and give it to the poor? What do you think the commoners would say?"
Little John: "Sherwood help."
When it was my turn to get my physical exam, I entered the room marked "Dr. Essings". Can't figure out what went wrong... there was nothing inside but a bunch of bandages.
Q: What do people wear in the Matrix?
A: Whatever's in the dress code.
These days, I have a good income. Makes me think of my early years when I was constantly strapped for cash... probably the worst job I ever had.
"Not to complain, but these mashed potatoes taste a bit powdery."
"Yes! We use only the finest ingredients!"
I wanted to pick up a mirror cheap on Amazon, but decided against it. It was clearly defective... at first it looked okay, but on closer inspection the stupid thing wasn't even showing my reflection!
Judge Judy walks into a bar. Of course, that was nearly 60 years ago.
Q: What do you call a pirate with 2 eyes, two hands and 2 legs?
A: A novice.
It's not a good idea to have sex with your girlfriend between classes. If you aren't careful, she'll miss her next period.
A crab and a squid decided to race each other, but neither of them crossed the finish line. The crab walked sideways and the squid went backwards.
Last year I had laser eye surgery and I've never looked back. Can't look forward anymore, either... damn doctor botched the job
A Priest, an Imam and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
Rabbit: "Goddamned autocorrect!"
Two blondes were found frozen to death in their car. They'd gone to a drive-in to see "Closed for the Winter".
A beat cop enters the public park where hundreds of people are running around flapping their arms.
"Hey!" he yells to a bystander, "What's all this craziness?"
"Some kind of mass hysteria!" the man replies. "They think they've turned into birds! The only normal ones here are you and me!"
"Well you'll have to give me a hand!" the cop growls. "If we don't round 'em up fast, they'll all fly away!"
* * *
I was extremely eager to see my mother-in-law which, surprisingly, angered my wife. I wasn't alone... the viewing was very well attended.
* * *
An Arctic explorer froze to death in his attempt to reach the North Pole, and when his body was discovered it was sent back home for burial. His young son was overjoyed at the news; he always wanted a big popsicle.
* * *
Every time the doorbell rings, my dog rushes to the corner. Folks told me that might happen if I got a Boxer.
* * *
Q: How do you get the best mountain view?
A: Take a peak.
* * *
I often wish I was a millionaire, like my father. He died destitute, but he too always wished he was a millionaire.
* * *
You can tell the Titanic was really well made. It's been out of commission for over a hundred years, and yet the swimming pool still holds water.
* * *
I want to apologize to everyone about all the recent forest fires. According to Smokey Bear, I'm the only one who could have prevented them.
* * *
Robin Hood: "I've been thinking... suppose we take all the money we've stolen from rich landowners and give it to the poor? What do you think the commoners would say?"
Little John: "Sherwood help."
* * *
When it was my turn to get my physical exam, I entered the room marked "Dr. Essings". Can't figure out what went wrong... there was nothing inside but a bunch of bandages.
* * *
Q: What do people wear in the Matrix?
A: Whatever's in the dress code.
* * *
These days, I have a good income. Makes me think of my early years when I was constantly strapped for cash... probably the worst job I ever had.
* * *
"Not to complain, but these mashed potatoes taste a bit powdery."
"Yes! We use only the finest ingredients!"
* * *
I wanted to pick up a mirror cheap on Amazon, but decided against it. It was clearly defective... at first it looked okay, but on closer inspection the stupid thing wasn't even showing my reflection!
* * *
Judge Judy walks into a bar. Of course, that was nearly 60 years ago.
* * *
Q: What do you call a pirate with 2 eyes, two hands and 2 legs?
A: A novice.
* * *
It's not a good idea to have sex with your girlfriend between classes. If you aren't careful, she'll miss her next period.
* * *
A crab and a squid decided to race each other, but neither of them crossed the finish line. The crab walked sideways and the squid went backwards.
* * *
Last year I had laser eye surgery and I've never looked back. Can't look forward anymore, either... damn doctor botched the job
* * *
A Priest, an Imam and a Rabbit walk into a bar.
Rabbit: "Goddamned autocorrect!"
* * *
Two blondes were found frozen to death in their car. They'd gone to a drive-in to see "Closed for the Winter".
* * *
A beat cop enters the public park where hundreds of people are running around flapping their arms.
"Hey!" he yells to a bystander, "What's all this craziness?"
"Some kind of mass hysteria!" the man replies. "They think they've turned into birds! The only normal ones here are you and me!"
"Well you'll have to give me a hand!" the cop growls. "If we don't round 'em up fast, they'll all fly away!"
