Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,972
- Points
- 48
[FONT=“Comic Sans MS”]My co-workers seem to think I don’t eat dessert. They all say I’m off pudding.
Defendant: “If I say you’re a bastard, what will you do?”
Judge: “I’ll jail you for contempt of court,”
Defendant: “If I think you’re a bastard, what will you do?”
Judge: “Nothing. In this country, you’re free to think anything you like.”
Defendant: “Great! I think you’re a bastard.”
I’m a fair interior designer, but there’s always room for improvement.
Making love to a woman is like playing a violin. I don’t know how to do either.
What sort of housing do musicians prefer?
A flat.
I’ve heard it said that geese actually kill more people annually than sharks. I have no trouble believing this; it’s got to be near impossible for a goose to kill a shark.
“Would you ever cheat on your wife?”
“Who else could I cheat on?”
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; my mother had a severe case of pica.
The streets are so damn dangerous these days! I never let my kids go outside anymore; god knows who they might rob and kill.
My wife has a compulsive disorder so severe she groomed her hair until she almost killed herself. As a precaution, I got rid of all the grooming tools. Wifey was displeased, but there was no choice; she’d had a brush with death.
A sportsman went marlin fishing and got a big one on the line; but when the clumsy boat hand tried to pull it onboard, he hooked the fisherman instead of the fish. What an awkward gaff!
I just heard about the pitcher plant. It seems unnecessary... there’s already plenty of human beings in baseball.
If you want to find the boss of any furniture company, look for the carpenter. He’s chair-man of the board.
I catch stray dogs for a living. I’m paid by the pound.
“Alcohol is my husband’s answer to everything!”
“Is he a mean drunk?”
“No, no, no! He’s just really lousy at Twenty Questions.”
This morning, I was drinking coffee in my slippers. Jeez, I really need to buy a few mugs.
“I have a 4 inch dick.”
“Ha! I don’t suppose you get many dates!”
“Nope. Most gals can’t take it that wide.”
I borrowed an audiobook from my brother, but lost the darned thing on a bus. I’ll never hear the end of it.
Blonde: “Thanks, but I never eat birthday cake. It gives me heartburn.”
Brunette: “You’re supposed to take the candles off first, silly!”
The inventor of the medical inhaler died recently. There was no coffin at the funeral.
My 24-year old son finally learned how to walk. What a relief... it took a huge weight off my shoulders.
I was worried about the weather, so I consulted Siri.
“Surely,” I said, “you don’t think there’ll be any rain today.”
“Yes I do,” Siri retorted. “And don’t call me Shirley!”
Damn! I forgot to take the phone off Airplane mode.[/FONT]
* * *
Defendant: “If I say you’re a bastard, what will you do?”
Judge: “I’ll jail you for contempt of court,”
Defendant: “If I think you’re a bastard, what will you do?”
Judge: “Nothing. In this country, you’re free to think anything you like.”
Defendant: “Great! I think you’re a bastard.”
* * *
I’m a fair interior designer, but there’s always room for improvement.
* * *
Making love to a woman is like playing a violin. I don’t know how to do either.
* * *
What sort of housing do musicians prefer?
A flat.
* * *
I’ve heard it said that geese actually kill more people annually than sharks. I have no trouble believing this; it’s got to be near impossible for a goose to kill a shark.
* * *
“Would you ever cheat on your wife?”
“Who else could I cheat on?”
* * *
I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth; my mother had a severe case of pica.
* * *
The streets are so damn dangerous these days! I never let my kids go outside anymore; god knows who they might rob and kill.
* * *
My wife has a compulsive disorder so severe she groomed her hair until she almost killed herself. As a precaution, I got rid of all the grooming tools. Wifey was displeased, but there was no choice; she’d had a brush with death.
* * *
A sportsman went marlin fishing and got a big one on the line; but when the clumsy boat hand tried to pull it onboard, he hooked the fisherman instead of the fish. What an awkward gaff!
* * *
I just heard about the pitcher plant. It seems unnecessary... there’s already plenty of human beings in baseball.
* * *
If you want to find the boss of any furniture company, look for the carpenter. He’s chair-man of the board.
* * *
I catch stray dogs for a living. I’m paid by the pound.
* * *
“Alcohol is my husband’s answer to everything!”
“Is he a mean drunk?”
“No, no, no! He’s just really lousy at Twenty Questions.”
* * *
This morning, I was drinking coffee in my slippers. Jeez, I really need to buy a few mugs.
* * *
“I have a 4 inch dick.”
“Ha! I don’t suppose you get many dates!”
“Nope. Most gals can’t take it that wide.”
* * *
I borrowed an audiobook from my brother, but lost the darned thing on a bus. I’ll never hear the end of it.
* * *
Blonde: “Thanks, but I never eat birthday cake. It gives me heartburn.”
Brunette: “You’re supposed to take the candles off first, silly!”
* * *
The inventor of the medical inhaler died recently. There was no coffin at the funeral.
* * *
My 24-year old son finally learned how to walk. What a relief... it took a huge weight off my shoulders.
* * *
I was worried about the weather, so I consulted Siri.
“Surely,” I said, “you don’t think there’ll be any rain today.”
“Yes I do,” Siri retorted. “And don’t call me Shirley!”
Damn! I forgot to take the phone off Airplane mode.[/FONT]
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