Low_Roads
4th Level Black Feather
- Joined
- Nov 16, 2004
- Messages
- 8,971
- Points
- 48
This morning I stopped at Starbucks for coffee. I told the gal to give me the mildest roast she had. She told me that I could stand to lose a few pounds.
A shipwrecked Greek navigator washes up on a pristine, totally uninhabited island. He's so struck by its beauty, he writes an ode about it.
200 years later, a Roman castaway sets foot on the very same island. Despite it being totally deserted, he claims it and all its people in the name of Caesar.
Another 200 years go by and this time a Celtic sailor finds himself on the shores of the same deserted island. Ten minutes after landing, he starts a fight.
The union rep for my theater job says he got us some great benefits. He better have, considering all the concessions we've had to make!
Q: How can you tell if your dog has been making calls on your smart phone?
A: Check his collar ID.
My Literary instructor, Mr. Parker, told me that I'd never become a successful writer. He said that my stories were poorly plotted, that my style was pedantic and that my vocabulary was too limited. He advised that I forget my ambitions and prepare myself for some less challenging job. Well, that was thirty years ago... thirty years of constant manuscript submissions to every conceivable publisher and an equal number of rejections... but finally, at long last, I have thrilling news to announce! Mr. Parker just passed away from a long, painful illness!
A tree sloth enters a saloon at 10 AM, climbs on top of a stool and addresses the bartender.
Sloth: "... I'll... have... a... scotch... please."
Bartender: "Sorry, pal. Closing time's in five minutes."
Life is so unfair! I'm in jail right now for something I didn't do! If they ever let me out, I swear I'll wipe off the fingerprints next time!
"Do you remember the last time you saw a physical therapist?"
"Yeah. It was about a weak back."
My wife's been gone for five days... she's getting a hip replacement. I understand the new guy is a lot younger and much more tuned in.
"Barkeep, I'm thirsty! Gimme a gin and make it fast!"
"Sorry sir. We only have sloe gin."
My kids cringe every time I use the "N" word. I know it distresses them, but if I said "Yes" every time they begged for something, they'd be spoiled rotten.
Pig: "Mule, I sure wouldn't want your job! The farmer hooks you up to the plow so's you can labor all day diggin' furrows! Then he hitches you to the wagon whenever he wants to go into town! And what do you get for all that trouble? Only dry hay to eat! Me, I don't do no work at all, just roll around in mud all day, gettin' fat off corn cobs an' tater peals an' other delicacies he's too full to finish! Let me tell you, of us two I'm the one livin' the sweet life!"
Mule: "Funny... the pig that was here last year said the exact same thing."
My supervisor asked if I wanted to sign up for the company's 401K. I told him there was no way in the world I could ever run that far.
Q: What did Mother Superior say when the Highlander begged a bed in the convent?
A: "There can be only nun!"
I'd just spilled a big puddle of spot remover, when my dog entered the room. Dog gone!
"You've earned this traffic ticket, mister! No one's supposed to travel in the diamond lane when they're alone in their car!"
"Man, are you gonna feel stupid when you look in my trunk!"
Many are annoyed that Pluto is no long considered one of our solar system's planets; as far as I'm concerned, it brought it on itself. What makes me think so? It's self ex-planetary!
Q: The first thing a lawyer does when he gets to work is take Viagra. Why is that?
A: It's the easiest way to fill out briefs.
My former landlord warned me that pets would get me evicted. Sure enough, his cat showed up last night with the notice.
"So, Mr. Bonaparte, you want to join the French Army. Could you tell me, please, what region you're from?"
" 'Course I can!"
My wife's favorite sex position is doggy style. She just can't stand to see me enjoy myself.
He: "Start packing your bags, honey! I just booked us a week's stay in the swankiest hotel in Aspen! We leave in two days!"
She: "Oh! The mountains! Skiing! How I wish it could be twice as long!"
He: "Your wish is my command, sugar plum! Leave it all to me!"
One hour later...
He: "It's all set, darlin'! We now leave in four days!"
* * *
A shipwrecked Greek navigator washes up on a pristine, totally uninhabited island. He's so struck by its beauty, he writes an ode about it.
200 years later, a Roman castaway sets foot on the very same island. Despite it being totally deserted, he claims it and all its people in the name of Caesar.
Another 200 years go by and this time a Celtic sailor finds himself on the shores of the same deserted island. Ten minutes after landing, he starts a fight.
* * *
The union rep for my theater job says he got us some great benefits. He better have, considering all the concessions we've had to make!
* * *
Q: How can you tell if your dog has been making calls on your smart phone?
A: Check his collar ID.
* * *
My Literary instructor, Mr. Parker, told me that I'd never become a successful writer. He said that my stories were poorly plotted, that my style was pedantic and that my vocabulary was too limited. He advised that I forget my ambitions and prepare myself for some less challenging job. Well, that was thirty years ago... thirty years of constant manuscript submissions to every conceivable publisher and an equal number of rejections... but finally, at long last, I have thrilling news to announce! Mr. Parker just passed away from a long, painful illness!
* * *
A tree sloth enters a saloon at 10 AM, climbs on top of a stool and addresses the bartender.
Sloth: "... I'll... have... a... scotch... please."
Bartender: "Sorry, pal. Closing time's in five minutes."
* * *
Life is so unfair! I'm in jail right now for something I didn't do! If they ever let me out, I swear I'll wipe off the fingerprints next time!
* * *
"Do you remember the last time you saw a physical therapist?"
"Yeah. It was about a weak back."
* * *
My wife's been gone for five days... she's getting a hip replacement. I understand the new guy is a lot younger and much more tuned in.
* * *
"Barkeep, I'm thirsty! Gimme a gin and make it fast!"
"Sorry sir. We only have sloe gin."
* * *
My kids cringe every time I use the "N" word. I know it distresses them, but if I said "Yes" every time they begged for something, they'd be spoiled rotten.
* * *
Pig: "Mule, I sure wouldn't want your job! The farmer hooks you up to the plow so's you can labor all day diggin' furrows! Then he hitches you to the wagon whenever he wants to go into town! And what do you get for all that trouble? Only dry hay to eat! Me, I don't do no work at all, just roll around in mud all day, gettin' fat off corn cobs an' tater peals an' other delicacies he's too full to finish! Let me tell you, of us two I'm the one livin' the sweet life!"
Mule: "Funny... the pig that was here last year said the exact same thing."
* * *
My supervisor asked if I wanted to sign up for the company's 401K. I told him there was no way in the world I could ever run that far.
* * *
Q: What did Mother Superior say when the Highlander begged a bed in the convent?
A: "There can be only nun!"
* * *
I'd just spilled a big puddle of spot remover, when my dog entered the room. Dog gone!
* * *
"You've earned this traffic ticket, mister! No one's supposed to travel in the diamond lane when they're alone in their car!"
"Man, are you gonna feel stupid when you look in my trunk!"
* * *
Many are annoyed that Pluto is no long considered one of our solar system's planets; as far as I'm concerned, it brought it on itself. What makes me think so? It's self ex-planetary!
* * *
Q: The first thing a lawyer does when he gets to work is take Viagra. Why is that?
A: It's the easiest way to fill out briefs.
* * *
My former landlord warned me that pets would get me evicted. Sure enough, his cat showed up last night with the notice.
* * *
"So, Mr. Bonaparte, you want to join the French Army. Could you tell me, please, what region you're from?"
" 'Course I can!"
* * *
My wife's favorite sex position is doggy style. She just can't stand to see me enjoy myself.
* * *
He: "Start packing your bags, honey! I just booked us a week's stay in the swankiest hotel in Aspen! We leave in two days!"
She: "Oh! The mountains! Skiing! How I wish it could be twice as long!"
He: "Your wish is my command, sugar plum! Leave it all to me!"
One hour later...
He: "It's all set, darlin'! We now leave in four days!"
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