Friday night nyuks (9-8-17).

[Low_Roads]

The Smurfs' main enemy is an evil wizard who threatens them with circumcision. I believe his name is Gargamohel.

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Mom always said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So how come she's all upset now that I've become an alcoholic?

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Jimmy Carter has moved to Florida so he can more easily construct shelters for large aquatic mammals. If you want to help him, seek out Habitat For Huge Manatee.

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Teacher: "Johnny, if I give you two puppies and your best friend gives you two puppies, how many puppies do you have all together?"

Johnny: "Five puppies."

Teacher: "Five puppies? Don't you mean four puppies?"

Johnny: "Nope, five. I have a puppy at home already."

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My girlfriend told me I look better when I don't wear my glasses. I told her that she too looks better when I don't wear my glasses. My eyes haven't changed, but now my nose won't stop bleeding.

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Why did the double agent cross the road?

It's an illusion ... he was never really on your side.

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I have an inferiority complex. All my tenants are losers.

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Mario phones the veterinarian.

Mario: "Doctor, my sheep! They no make'a babies!"

Vet: "Are the rams fertile?"

Mario: "Why'a sure!"

Vet: "Then it's a ewe problem."

Mario: "Thanks'a for nothing, wise guy!"

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It comes out of a dog; a man steps into it:

Pants.

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"Hey waiter! This duck should be dead! But I think it's faking! I saw it open its eyes real quick, then shut them again!"

"That's to be expected, sir. You did order Peking Duck."

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You become an entirely different person once you find out you're going to have a child. Consider how much I changed when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant... my name, my address, my email account...

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A nun is escorting a visitor through the church cemetery, when a vampire leaps from behind one of the headstones to bar their path.

"Show him your cross!" screams the man in alarm. "For God's sake, show him your cross!"

"You pointy-toothed, undead jerk!" the nun storms. "Let me tell you what I really think of you!"

* * *​

It looked bad for the accused until he started masterbating in the courtroom. That's when he got off on a technicality.

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I managed to break up a fight between two blind men. All I did was yell "Five bucks on the guy with the knife!", and they both ran away!

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"Mommy, may I lick the bowl?"

"No, sweetie. Flush, same way everyone else does."

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Panama and Iceland are a lot like the Venus de Milo: no armies.

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Our town baker keeps details of his his dough preparation mostly secret. His workers are exempt of course, but information is dispensed on a know-to-knead basis.

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Interesting fact: if you lay a person's small intestine in a straight line and measure it carefully...

... that person's likely going to die.

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The letter C feels isolated and terrified. That's because the surrounding letters are not Cs.

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My dad was a successful carpenter, even though he was blind. Every morning, as soon as he entered his shop, he picked up his hammer and saw.

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My brother worked for my dad in his carpentry shop, repairing wagon wheels. Though mute, he was quite eloquent; every morning, first thing, he handled a hub and spoke.

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Brunette mom: "Children can drive you crazy! I found a pack of cigarettes underneath my daughter's bed. I didn't even know she smoked!"

Redhead mom: "Well, I found a whisky bottle underneath my daughter's bed! I didn't know she drank!"

Blonde mom: "And I found a package of condoms underneath my daughter's bed! I didn't know she had a dick!"

 

[rdhd]

Egads! Where does one pick?! Again, too many! But this one - perfect logic. Should be in all school math books:

Teacher: "Johnny, if I give you two puppies and your best friend gives you two puppies, how many puppies do you have all together?"
Johnny: "Five puppies."
Teacher: "Five puppies? Don't you mean four puppies?"
Johnny: "Nope, five. I have a puppy at home already."

 

[Low_Roads]

One for the dog lovers! Thanks so much for your selection, Rdhd!

 

[rdhd]

Has to do with the new math......I think. We gotta ask the doggies.

 

[milagros317]

LOL 😛
Great collection! 😀
My favorite:

My girlfriend told me I look better when I don't wear my glasses. I told her that she too looks better when I don't wear my glasses. My eyes haven't changed, but now my nose won't stop bleeding.

 

[Bugman]

Mom always said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So how come she's all upset now that I've become an alcoholic?

My girlfriend told me I look better when I don't wear my glasses. I told her that she too looks better when I don't wear my glasses. My eyes haven't changed, but now my nose won't stop bleeding.

You become an entirely different person once you find out you're going to have a child. Consider how much I changed when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant... my name, my address, my email account...



Great week Low_Roads. 😀

 

[Low_Roads]

Has to do with the new math......I think. We gotta ask the doggies.

I'll ask my dog. I'm teaching him to speak.

LOL 😛
Great collection! 😀
My favorite:

My girlfriend told me I look better when I don't wear my glasses. I told her that she too looks better when I don't wear my glasses. My eyes haven't changed, but now my nose won't stop bleeding.

Thank you, Milagros! Nice choice! I too thought this one was particularly amusing!

Mom always said I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. So how come she's all upset now that I've become an alcoholic?

My girlfriend told me I look better when I don't wear my glasses. I told her that she too looks better when I don't wear my glasses. My eyes haven't changed, but now my nose won't stop bleeding.

You become an entirely different person once you find out you're going to have a child. Consider how much I changed when my girlfriend told me she was pregnant... my name, my address, my email account...



Great week Low_Roads. 😀

Much appreciated, Bugman! Thank you! Great selection of favorites this week! Nice to see you also favor the "glasses" joke!