Friendship Advice

[wade03]

I have a best friend who is a girl that I've been hanging out with on a regular basis for the last couple years. She is really my only true friend and is obviously very important to me. While I developed feelings for her, I never told her because I didn't think she would ever like me back. I didn't want to risk losing her and so I kept it inside because I'd rather have her as a friend instead of potentially not at all. Unfortunately a couple months ago she started dating someone and almost immediately stopped hanging out/talking with me. We went from seeing/hearing from each other once a week to barely talking at all the last couple months. The few times she text me back she said she had been really busy, but that doesn't excuse her from at least keeping in touch like I was trying to do.

I'm stuck with a difficult decision because I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should continue to try and be friends with her, or just not talk to her anymore. It's no fun being forgotten about constantly, but on the other hand if I leave her, I have no one left. She was all I had...

Does anyone have any thoughts?

 

[Mitchell]

wade, while this didnt happen to me with a girl best friend, a very similar situation developed for me with my now former guy best friend, who I was forced to get rid of in 2010.

We had been friends for almost 30 years, but his mother irrationally hated me. My ex best friend found a gf a few weeks before it ended with him, and started blowing me off, not spending time with me, and making it like this girl who he met a few weeks ago was everything, and I didnt matter after 30 years. To top this off, my mom had cancer at the time, (From which she has recently died, but thats not the point) I needed his support, and he wasnt there for me. Once he stopped wanting to spend time with me at all, I had to get rid of him. My mom had a long hospitalization of three weeks at the time the situation with him ended, and he didnt come to see us even once in that time.

I'm a believer of there's "24 hours a day, 7 days a week", if you want to really spend time with someone, you can find the time somehow. If your best friend is busy with her significant other, she could at least call/text you, or set aside, a small amount of time say, once a week, to spend with you,an hour or two.

I would try to have a talk with her about her treatment of you. If she doesnt treat you better, then you have to make a difficult decision. My now ex best friend was my only contact here at the time, and his loss was difficult for me, especially that I needed support with the situation regarding my mom's health. I was not going to tolerate treatment like that, as I had always treated him well.

Good Luck. I hope you can get your best friend to see it from your point, and that you can work something out to maintain the friendship.

Mitch

 

[wade03]

Thanks for your thoughts Mitch. Your "24hrs/7 days" approach is the same way I have viewed this whole thing. I've been busy too, but I've at least been putting the effort in to keep in touch. I think part of the problem is that we are in two different situations. She has a boyfriend as well as her girlfriends that she works with and chills with. So a couple months to her might not seem so long to her as it does to me. Like I said, she's really my only friend and so that one night a week I saw her was something I really looked forward to. It kept me going. It's bad enough that she is dating someone, let alone seemingly ignoring me. I still have no idea what I'm going to do, but thank you for the reply Mitch.

And I am extremely sorry you lost your best friend the way you did as well as your mother. I'm sure this is a very tough time for you and your family. My condolences.

 

[Mitchell]

wade, thank you for your thoughts. I completely relate to the idea of her being your only friend. When my best friend and I split up, he was really my only contact here, as my other close friends/family live up in NY,as that's where I'm from, and will be moving to in a few months.

Thanks for your condolences about my mom. It has been a very rough time. What made it more rough was not having the distraction of seeing him every week, and the way he dumped on us after 30 years. My mom treated him like a second child, so it really hurt.

Good Luck. I hope you begin to feel better, and that you find friends who are more deserving of how you treat people. You seem like a very kind guy, and deserve to be treated better than how she treated you.

Mitch

 

[Sandrock74]

This is a classic example of why men and women can't be "just friends". Almost always the guy develops feelings for the girl and when she begins dating someone, shes gone. Happens all the time.

If you had feelings for her, you should have told her when you had the chance. Nothing you can do now except move along, since she's made it pretty clear where you fit in on her list of priorities. Live and learn.

 

[Myriads]

This, which you said, are the words that are most important in your post:

I didn't want to risk losing her and so I kept it inside because I'd rather have her as a friend instead of potentially not at all.

It speaks to how you truly feel about her. You value the friendship, and though you may desire more, you are more comfortable holding pat with what you have.

Your friend has entered a new relationship, and it's eating her time, leaving you with less of it. Naturally this makes you feel down, and slighted that she has chosen someone else to spend that time on over her. And perhaps you are a bit jealous also.

But, and it's a solid but, if you indeed value her friendship, then accept that given her new relationship the time you see will be smaller, but that in the time you still do get, a solid friendship can grow and be strong. The same things you valued are there, just a bit harder to reach.

This assumes that you want the friendship for what it is, a friendship, and not an advanced outpost from which you can launch a romantic invasion someday....

Be a friend. Keep perspective.

Myriads

 

[wade03]

Like I said, I didn't bother asking her out because I didn't believe it was possible for her to like me back. I never got that vibe. It sucked to admit that to myself, but I was trying to be realistic so I didn't screw things up. Have I been jealous? Heck yes. But I think I put on a pretty good poker face. When she told me she was dating someone, I didn't act upset or anything. We went and had our usual good time. That night was also the last time I saw her. Again, it bothers me that she's dating someone, but it bothers me more that she's basically stopped talking to me. I always knew if she got a bf that I would see her less, but I didn't think it would stop all together.

Thanks for the opinions Myriad/Sandrock.

 

[Skipadeedoodah]

It's normal for people to get wrapped up in new relationships and end up having less time for friends. Wait a bit and see if she comes out of it. In the meantime I would suggest backing off. Let her be the one to initiate contact with you. She'll either realize that she hasn't heard from you, miss you and take the necessary steps to see you or talk to you, or she won't. Either way you'll know where you stand.

Shitty situation 🙁 Hope you feel better.

 

[WorkInProgress]

In addition to whatever other choices you make, you should getting out in circulation more so that she won't be your only true friend. There's an inequality when she's a bigger percentage of your world than you are of hers, and one thing you need to do is lower that percentage by getting some other affiliations and relationships going. It won't happen overnight, but it will over time.

 

[wade03]

Thank you skip/WIP. You both gave good advice. I never wanted to put all my stock in one person, it just happened that way unfortunately. Making friends in the area I live in is a lot harder than the previous places I lived, but I'm still trying.

 

[GQguy]

Great advice/analysis WIP.

Juggling a relationship and friendship is no easy task. It really takes a talented person to balance both. A relationship takes alot of energy seeing as the two people in it are analyzing one another for a future life together....this takes alot of time. I've learned that when a buddy finds a girl he likes to be happy for them. I'm his friend and friends want their friends to be happy right? I've also made the strongest bonds with friends whom i've accepted back after shit hits the fan. This is what true friends do. I love them, that is love. They always apologize and I respond "No worries man" because that's how it goes, he was chasing happiness, bigger and better, who am I as a friend to hold him back?

Guys and girls being friends....*sigh*. I don't believe it is truly possible....unless if both friends aren't attracted to one another. If they can say in their deepest of hearts that they would never have any sort of physical relationship with their friend....then ok. This is rarely the case. Usually someone is attracted and the other party(usually the girl) is well aware of that attraction. She gets out of the friendship adulation, and the feeling of being wanted. He gets time with a girl he wants. They both do so under the guise of friendship but that's simply false. Of course she doesn't hangout anymore, the role you played as pseudo boyfriend has been replaced by an actual boyfriend. It sucks for you because you now feel like you've been broken up with because you lost your pseudo girlfriend. My rule for women that i'm attracted to is to see it for what it is. If i'm attracted i'm going to make a move. If I see she's totally not into me i'm not going to invest anymore into her than I would a guy friend of mine. I'll invite her out to parties, try and get her to hook me up with her hot friends ect. I'll do the same for her. Having numerous friends in my life both male and female and the conscious effort not to fall for her makes things alot easier.

So my advice to you is to "let it burn". But ask yourself "why didn't she go for me?". It's likely all in your head and that's the issue. Your confidence isn't where it should be. Write down why she didn't go for you on paper. In the next column write down what you can do about it. In the next column write down real world ways to solve the problem.

i.e. Problem: Too fat
Solution: Get a gym membership/eat right
Real World: Get gym membership at LA Fitness. Follow eating guide on P90X website
Do : Workoput 7:30 am Mon, Wed, Fri Grocery shop on Thur buy tomatoes, salad ect

Do this with all your faults you feel are holding you back. Don't do it for her....forget about her. Do it for yourself. Before you know it you'll look at her and wonder what you saw in her back then because you would have moved on to better more quality women. Happened to me. Been in your shoes bro.Good luck.

GQ

 

[locker669]

The best thing you can do is move on with your life.

 

[locker669]

Oh, doubleyourdates.com

 

[wade03]

In terms of dating, I think it came down to looks. Everything else between us was great. I just think that was the deciding factor. But I get what you're saying GQ, and that is a very smart way of looking at the situation. Right now I'm just more hurt that she has forgotten about me so easily. I get it that when you first get in a relationship, you get preoccupied and busy. I can understand her not being able to hang, but to not even keep in touch is what bothers me. I'm still on the fence with whether I should try to talk to her or not, mostly because her birthday is coming up and I thought that might be a good opportunity to reconnect, but I don't know. I don't want to sound like a drama queen, but I'm scared to go one way or the other because I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing by picking either.

Btw GQ, that was a very intelligent/thorough answer. You put some psychologists to shame. Thanks for the insight.