Hard limits?

[ViperGTS]

Viper,

Would you still refuse to play with somebody even though they have their set hard limits because they were tortured or abused by them?

I would refuse to play with someone who had hard limits that directly conflicted with my own preferences for play, unless, after we got to know each other very well, they were willing to spend a pre-determined amount of time with me trying to turn those hard limits into pleasurable ways to pass the time. If, after that amount of time, we could not turn it from a hard limit into something less unbearable, we'd move on to another form of play.

I do not form emotional relationships with people who have hard limits which directly contradict my play preferences.

Does that clarify things?

If not, ask Bella - oddly enough, she's actually better at explaining me than I am.

 

[prestidigits]

Why would you play with somebody who doesn't want to play what you want to play?

 

[ViperGTS]

I have many, many sexual interests. I can play with most people - as long as they can at least tolerate bondage and tickle torture. Other fetishes I splurge in, such as orgasm control, spanking, verbal abuse, thing like that, are negotiable for short term play partners.

 

[prestidigits]

As long as we all understand the rules before we start, and I'm sure Viper makes very sure of that, why not? Again, why play with someone who won't play what you want to play?

 

[xSamanthax]

Hard limits usually are hard limits because they were experienced!

Not necessarily. Most of my hard physical limits are there with zero experience. I've never engaged in scat play. I've never engaged in bestiality. I've never molested a child. Yet they are hard limits. Very common ones.

Many hard limits are based on fear. Sometimes fear is based on experienced, sometimes not. Even when it is, an argument can be made for facing that experience induced fear and facing that bad experience in a new context. Obviously, your consent and cooperation is required and not everyone is strong enough or even interested in such things.

It becomes transformative when done right.

 

[prestidigits]

Is "I just don't want to try it" good enough?

 

[rhiannon]

Not necessarily. Most of my hard physical limits are there with zero experience. I've never engaged in scat play. I've never engaged in bestiality. I've never molested a child. Yet they are hard limits. Very common ones.

Many hard limits are based on fear. Sometimes fear is based on experienced, sometimes not. Even when it is, an argument can be made for facing that experience induced fear and facing that bad experience in a new context. Obviously, your consent and cooperation is required and not everyone is strong enough or even interested in such things.

It becomes transformative when done right.

If the hard limit causes disgust just thinking about it, then there is no need to try it. I think disgust is impossible to overcome, harder than fear! There is some stuff you don't HAVE to try you know it's a no-go!

 

[BellaRisa]

If the hard limit causes disgust just thinking about it, then there is no need to try it. I think disgust is impossible to overcome, harder than fear! There is some stuff you don't HAVE to try you know it's a no-go!

Disgust, like fear, often stem from ignorance about an activity rather than experience with it. While I totally agree with you that some hard limits we just know we wouldn't like and we do NOT need to try them (poop on me and I'll break my foot off in your pooper ) others have to be at least researched a bit and more knowledge gained before we really know if it'll always be on our No Way No How list. Heck, life is like that: if I had a nickel for everyone I've known that said they'd never have a child or change a diaper but now love being parents, diapers and all...

I've had a few move from my OH HELL NO List to "Well, ok, once in awhile it's hot" List, from caning to ageplay to a few things I'm not going to post about, heh....activities I thought were awful and just plain *wrong* but a trusted lover eased me into to them and I'm glad they did. Sometimes you just know, but sometimes the right person and the right night can change everything

 

[BellaRisa]

Why would you play with somebody who doesn't want to play what you want to play?

What if you're deeply in love with that person and it's important to you that they learn to play the way you want to play, at least sometimes?

 

[rhiannon]

Disgust, like fear, often stem from ignorance about an activity rather than experience with it.

Not necessarily. I mean, it's not like I never in my life handled dogs, vomit or poo. I'm okay with cleaning up after my drunk husband who didn't reach the toilet in time, but would I be turned on if he puked on me? HELL NO! And I do not need to try it to know that! 🙂

For me, disgust comes from experience!

 

[TklDuo-Ann]

different strokes for different folks

I'll preface by stating that I am pretty much only into tickling...with the necessary bondage to keep me still and my ler(s) from getting hurt. While there are a few things I don't mind exploring a bit, I pretty much stick to the tickling.

I have a few "hard limits"...

Some are based upon medical issues. ie - If you touch my throat, it will almost always cause a laryngospasm and compromise my breathing. That's going to end a session anyway. So, why do it?

Some are based on the fact that they are strong flashback triggers. I generally flash at least a bit during a good tickle session. It's one of the results of tickling having been used against me in abuse situations. I pretty much accept it, brush it off and move on. But, there are some spots that, if focused on, can cause a severe flash that can actually leave me bleeding and in serious pain. Besides the fact that this is something I don't relish experiencing again, I also don't care to put a ler in the position of being scared shitless and having to tend to me after the fact if that happens.

Some are based on the fact that I only play sexually with Drew. So, breasts, butt and genitals are off limits to anyone else.

When I play with another person, I want for both of us to enjoy the experience. If the hard limits/boundaries are violated, neither of us will enjoy things. If I have a great deal of trust in a person, I may let them push certain limits a bit. But, I make damn sure that they know and are prepared to deal with the possible outcome if pushed too far. At least that way they are making an informed decision.

For me, a hard limit is not something I take lightly. I'd prefer to not need them at all. So, those I have are there for a very valid reason. If someone can't accept/respect those limits, then I simply won't play with them. Not a huge deal in my book. If someone promises to honor those limits and then deliberately violates them...? Look out! You're going to get your ass kicked!

 

[Bonnie]

my butt, my feet (sorry), my private areas...not because they are too ticklish but jst because of the way my mind works, and anywhere on the face.

 

[BellaRisa]

Not necessarily...

Yes dear, that's why I said it *often* stems from ignorance, not *always*, and I believe I said:

I totally agree with you that some hard limits we just know we wouldn't like and we do NOT need to try them

🙂

 

[ViperGTS]

I have a few "hard limits"...

Some are based upon medical issues. ie - If you touch my throat, it will almost always cause a laryngospasm and compromise my breathing. That's going to end a session anyway. So, why do it?

Some are based on the fact that they are strong flashback triggers. I generally flash at least a bit during a good tickle session. It's one of the results of tickling having been used against me in abuse situations. I pretty much accept it, brush it off and move on. But, there are some spots that, if focused on, can cause a severe flash that can actually leave me bleeding and in serious pain. Besides the fact that this is something I don't relish experiencing again, I also don't care to put a ler in the position of being scared shitless and having to tend to me after the fact if that happens.

Some are based on the fact that I only play sexually with Drew. So, breasts, butt and genitals are off limits to anyone else.

When I play with another person, I want for both of us to enjoy the experience. If the hard limits/boundaries are violated, neither of us will enjoy things. If I have a great deal of trust in a person, I may let them push certain limits a bit. But, I make damn sure that they know and are prepared to deal with the possible outcome if pushed too far. At least that way they are making an informed decision.

For me, a hard limit is not something I take lightly. I'd prefer to not need them at all. So, those I have are there for a very valid reason. If someone can't accept/respect those limits, then I simply won't play with them. Not a huge deal in my book. If someone promises to honor those limits and then deliberately violates them...? Look out! You're going to get your ass kicked!

Well, there's a big difference between a hard limit that's nothing more than a psychological thing and a hard limit that's a medical issue or respect for another partner. I would respect your limits with no hesitation or questioning.

my butt, my feet (sorry), my private areas...not because they are too ticklish but jst because of the way my mind works, and anywhere on the face.

Now, I have a problem with this kind of limit. I do not argue with the fact that you "think" those areas are "too ticklish," but frankly, in my opinion, when someone says they are 'too ticklish' somewhere, I feel as though it's a cop-out excuse for them just being uncomfortable with something, or that they had a bad experience with a bad ler and don't know how pleasurable and fun being tickled on thoe places really can be.

Bonnie, let me ask you this. Let's say you made a really good friend here on the TMF. You talked a lot together, even swapped phone numbers. You got to know each other very well. Then you go to a gathering sometime and meet this person. They are just as cool as you thought and you trust them very much. If they wanted to try to help you break that hard limit and slowly show you how fun tickling your feet could be, and all you had to do was take off your shoes and sit near them with your feet on their lap, while they slowly, lightly, gently tickled you through your socks, would you try it? Would you let that other person try to very gently get you used to the feeling of having your feet tickled, if you trusted them and knew that if it got to be too much they would tickle lighter and slower?

 

[ovrec]

Hard Limits may or may not be okay

I agree with multiple viewpoints on the argument. My view is if someone has a hard limit, violating it without their express permission is wrong. But on the other hand if that hard limit corresponds to something that you want and or need, then there is a good chance the relationship will not work long term (without additional [hopefully mutually agreed upon] partners). It may work for a few months or even a few years but if the desire is really inside you then by suppressing it you suppress yourself. Some people need total control to be happy in a relationship, any hard limits are a compromise on that control. There are people out there without hard limits. But the trick seems to be finding someone who has hard limits you can live with for the rest of your life. Or the two of you are comfortable with additional partners satisfying your desires.

Also maybe by understanding the hard limit and why it is a limit it is possible to break through it. But that is up to the person with the limit.

Love would be great if that is all that mattered in a relationship. It's the stuff of romance novels, etc. (actually in some of them love isn't enough either). There may be some people where that is all they need and more power to them. But for the rest of us, including me... Love is a necessary but not sufficient condition for a relationship to work. There are other things like personality, interests, dreams for the future, sexual preferences, whether you want kids, etc. which must match. And when they don't match it's a real disaster....

With me if someone hard a hard limit of tickling or spanking (among numerous other things hehehe) then I will respect it. But I doubt I'll be able to have a long term relationship with said person. Nevertheless there are plenty of fish in the sea and I'm sure there would be people for that person who would be fine with the limit, just not me.

Anyway we should just have multiple marriages. Then we could get a group of friends and all marry into each other. A bunch of girls/guys with various preferences and between the whole group everyone could have all their needs met 🙂 And be one big giant happy family. And live happily ever after 🙂

 

[rhiannon]

Anyway we should just have multiple marriages. Then we could get a group of friends and all marry into each other. A bunch of girls/guys with various preferences and between the whole group everyone could have all their needs met And be one big giant happy family. And live happily ever after

Now that would only work if there wasn't love involved. 🙂

 

[Bonnie]

Now, I have a problem with this kind of limit. I do not argue with the fact that you "think" those areas are "too ticklish," but frankly, in my opinion, when someone says they are 'too ticklish' somewhere, I feel as though it's a cop-out excuse for them just being uncomfortable with something, or that they had a bad experience with a bad ler and don't know how pleasurable and fun being tickled on thoe places really can be.

Bonnie, let me ask you this. Let's say you made a really good friend here on the TMF. You talked a lot together, even swapped phone numbers. You got to know each other very well. Then you go to a gathering sometime and meet this person. They are just as cool as you thought and you trust them very much. If they wanted to try to help you break that hard limit and slowly show you how fun tickling your feet could be, and all you had to do was take off your shoes and sit near them with your feet on their lap, while they slowly, lightly, gently tickled you through your socks, would you try it? Would you let that other person try to very gently get you used to the feeling of having your feet tickled, if you trusted them and knew that if it got to be too much they would tickle lighter and slower?

Well, ViperGTS, i guess i have to put it this way: i'm one of the few here who are actually on the more unfavorable side of feet. Dont get me wrong---i totally respect people with the fetish--- i'm just not into it myself. So i dont like paying attention to that area or having other people pay attention to it. Also, it is a SUPER sensitive spot...even if i run my fingernails up my own soles its a nearly painful experience. BUT---- if i were with someone i truly cared about, such as a romantic interest/partner or a very close friend who i didn't feel awkward with, i suppose i would let them ease me into it...probably just with socks on though.

 

[BellaRisa]

Now that would only work if there wasn't love involved. 🙂

My husband and my boyfriend would both disagree with that 😈

 

[rhiannon]

My husband and my boyfriend would both disagree with that 😈

There's always exceptions. 🙂

 

[naughtylucy]

I don't have hard limits with tickling, although I do with other aspects of BDSM, which I suppose transfer to tickling. Bondage, for example; I don't do mummification, burial-type stuff or anything which restricts my circulation.