How common are these problems in families?

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

Okay I just want to know if this is common or not. I was visiting my parents yesterday and my Mom and I are arguing about something. While this was going on my Dad interferes and gets mad at me for getting mad at my Mom . This has been going on for at least two decades by now. I mean if my Dad would just stay out of my Mom and I arguing it would blow over eventually but he just makes it worse . I know he's a man and just wants to fix the problem but he doesn't especially since most of the time he sticks up for my Mom instead of me.

My Mom also is one that growing up and even now she rarely apologizes for anything. Most of the time I apologize to her which is fine but I'd like an apology from her as well. I mean my Mom and I got into an argument a while ago when my Dad wasn't home and later my Dad called me on my cell phone and said that he heard what happened from my Mom and he said that I hurt her feelings. Told him that my feelings were hurt also but he seemed to only seemed to focus on her. I then said I would apologize to her so I hung up the phone and apologized to to her and of course didn't get one in return . I mean these type of situations have been going on for most of my life and it makes me not even want to be with them. I want to go to counseling and have discussed it with my parents but they're just not interested. I just don't know what to do about this, I mean apparently they're not going to change & that's a shame.

Just wanted to share this on here. I would welcome any suggestions.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

I eventually got to a point in my life where I began to see my parents as human beings with human frailties. They ceased being Mommy and Daddy.

From what you've told me in the past, it sounds like your parents are just as flawed (perhaps more so) as the rest of our parents. Apologizing may be for other people to do...not for them. Jeez. Sounds like the house I grew up in.

Maybe it's just not worth arguing with these people anymore. Tell them you've got to go when a conversation on the phone even looks potentially heated. You don't need the high blood pressure; you certainly don't need the heartache. You've had more than enough of that, Jennifer.

 

[ChosenofMystra]

You just described my parents to the letter Jen...and I share in your frustrations.

My advice? Just don't argue with them anymore. It will never solve anything when they're as stubborn as they are. When you get upset, go take a walk to cool down, just get away from the situation for the time being.

I hope everything works out for you 🙂

 

[lespieds]

Yea my dad tends to act like that.
He always has this attitude like his wife is some poor victim.

The best thing to do is avoid the bullshit.
I tend to avoid arguments with my parents as they feel they are always right. Families can be a real pain in the ass.

 

[Mitchell]

I'm estranged from my father. However, when we were talking, through the years, he would never take responsibility for an argument, and would justify not only his hurtful behavior, but also the hurtful behavior of his wife, his mother, and his brother, toward me. He would rake me over the coals for the most minor things, and then, if he did something major, would always softsoap it, or benignly say :"Oh, I'm wrong, sorry", without really understanding what he did to cause the problem.
As others in this thread have alwady said, families can be a real pain. I'm sorry that you are going through this, Jen. A close friend of mine who has family issues once told me :"We can't choose our families". Unfortunately, that is so true.

Mitch

 

[minerva]

I know how frustrating that is - been there myself.
What helped me a bit was trying to get some emotional distance and avoid confrontations.
I'm afraid, they wont change anymore so will have to change your attitude towards them.
And DON'T let them make you feel like you're always wrong. You're certainly not. Try talking to friends to get some reassurance whenever you need it.

 

[tickledorange]

Three words:

Parents are crazy

And they're getting older on top of that, but they still treat you like you're 5, no matter how old or successful you get.

 

[Knox The Hatter]

Yeah. In their eyes, you are completely incapable of growing up into an adult. No matter how old you are. Seems to be a very common malady...

...unless you propose an imposition, no matter how small, how seemingly insignificant. It's then that they usually remember your age. "You're (however old you are)! Why can't you do this?"

 

[911]

A wise man always sides with his wife.

 

[kis123]

My father was king in his home; his favorite phrase was "when I'm right, I'm right and when I'm wrong, I'm right." He owed so many apologies to my mother, myself, and my siblings that if he started 20 years ago, he'd still be apologizing from his grave. But he died as proudly and arrogantly as he lived, he was rewarded with never getting to know me or my children.

Parents aren't going to change, you're thirtysomething if I have that correctly; as Knox said accept your parents for who they are and love them as they are. They aren't going to change their behavior so maybe you should change yours by controlling the conversation. When it starts to turn into an argument, suddenly have something to do and gracefully exit the call. This way they get the impression that they're right and you get to keep your dignity. They'll never realize that you've put the power and control back in your court.

 

[lespieds]

Three words:

Parents are crazy

And they're getting older on top of that, but they still treat you like you're 5, no matter how old or successful you get.

Well... yeah true. Being a parent or a kid is not easy.

In parents defense - they often still see their kids as those little toddlers who are still stumbling around making stupid mistakes. I often tell my kid "You are acting like you are still 3, GROW UP!" even tho he is 10 and is still learning.

For getting older - after a certain age, people sometimes lose maturity.
My dad sometimes acts WAY more immature than what I would ever expect of my son.

 

[TKpervert]

A wise man always sides with his wife.

I'll go you one better. A wise man is a single man.
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.
.

 

[TKpervert]

I eventually got to a point in my life where I began to see my parents as human beings with human frailties. They ceased being Mommy and Daddy.

Couldn't have said it better myself.
.
.

 

[NavelTickler75]

It does happen a lot in my family.

 

[kis123]

I'll go you one better. A wise man is a single man.
.
.
.

That goes both ways; a wise woman is a single woman!

 

[TKpervert]

That goes both ways; a wise woman is a single woman!

Right on, kis123 !!! 😀
.
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[kis123]

Right on, kis123 !!! 😀
.
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If I ever marry again, you'll know he's the friggin' bomb! I've done great by myself; why mess it up with marriage?

Getting back to topic......

Many people have given their opinions and most gave good advice for you to consider. I hope things get better for you soon.

 

[GirlWhoLikes2Laugh]

Thanks for everyone's support so far. I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has to deal with this type of situation with my parents.


I feel much better now.

 

[huskys]

I think it happens to all of us. My mother lives 1200km away in another state, and still lectures me on the phone. I think she's lost about 25 years somewhere. lol
So don't feel to bad, you're certainly not alone!!!