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I just found out...

kopfhorer

2nd Level Red Feather
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I haven't spent that much time here lately, so I'm feeling just a bit awkward posting about this subject.

A friend recently told me that an old ex, one I'd had my very first long-term relationship with, was now in a local hospital. I was going with her for quite a few years. Anyway, I Googled her name just before going to bed a few nights ago to see which one she might be in.

Big mistake.

The very first result Google returned was her obituary. She'd passed away several weeks back.

Our breakup years ago was not amiable. She had a lot of issues (and let's be honest here, so did I). Staying friends was difficult at best. We saw each other occasionally over the years afterward (and that's all we did, see each other) but we mostly stayed out of each other's lives. We hadn't seen each other for several years when I found her obit.

But I still hurt.

It's amazing how many mundane life situations bring up memories of her, however brief. A lot of old sexual memories are re-running themselves too. They feel kind of bittersweet (and sometimes just a little bit creepy).

Guess I must have loved her more than I thought, even though we didn't work out as a couple.

Worst thing is I never got to be with her in her last moments on Earth and tell her goodbye. That's what hurts most of all.
 
I haven't spent that much time here lately, so I'm feeling just a bit awkward posting about this subject.

A friend recently told me that an old ex, one I'd had my very first long-term relationship with, was now in a local hospital. I was going with her for quite a few years. Anyway, I Googled her name just before going to bed a few nights ago to see which one she might be in.

Big mistake.

The very first result Google returned was her obituary. She'd passed away several weeks back.

Our breakup years ago was not amiable. She had a lot of issues (and let's be honest here, so did I). Staying friends was difficult at best. We saw each other occasionally over the years afterward (and that's all we did, see each other) but we mostly stayed out of each other's lives. We hadn't seen each other for several years when I found her obit.

But I still hurt.

It's amazing how many mundane life situations bring up memories of her, however brief. A lot of old sexual memories are re-running themselves too. They feel kind of bittersweet (and sometimes just a little bit creepy).

Guess I must have loved her more than I thought, even though we didn't work out as a couple.

Worst thing is I never got to be with her in her last moments on Earth and tell her goodbye. That's what hurts most of all.

I think your reaction and feelings are perfectly normal, even if everything was not all sweetness and light between you for many years. I'm sorry your friend passed without you being able to see her. I know how it feels.
 
You're not remotely creepy. It's a modern-day situation which we haven't really developed over millions of years to deal with, and it's an unfortunate one. I'm 31 years old, and for all the things I *have* dealt with in life, I've yet to lose an immediate family member, close friend or other "loved one" to that one destination whereby the loss is indeed irreversible. I have friends that I haven't seen in years, however, who I still refer to as "friend" and think fondly off. I wonder, on occasion, about what this person or that person is up to. I don't know what I would feel were I to suddenly find out that someone who I'd spent many years being very close to was suddenly gone, and... wasn't up to anything; the only thing I'm sure of is that I wouldn't feel *nothing*.

My best guess would be to suggest working it out. Think about her, remember her fondly. Recall her in a positive light rather than simply "recalling the good times" (that's something I've heard from grief management types) and ultimately you'll move on without really "trying to move on."

I hope that helps. You've my best wishes.
 
I am so, so sorry for your loss 🙁 even if you two weren't an item, I know this must be really painful.
 
I think your reaction and feelings are perfectly normal, even if everything was not all sweetness and light between you for many years. I'm sorry your friend passed without you being able to see her. I know how it feels.

Thank you.

You're not remotely creepy. ... I don't know what I would feel were I to suddenly find out that someone who I'd spent many years being very close to was suddenly gone, and... wasn't up to anything; the only thing I'm sure of is that I wouldn't feel *nothing*.

I hope that helps. You've my best wishes.

Thank you. I'll think about what you've suggested.


I am so, so sorry for your loss 🙁 even if you two weren't an item, I know this must be really painful.

It is. I guess the most painful part is the unrealized potential, "what could have been". Except that it couldn't have been. Don't know if I'm making any sense here.
 
Thank you.



Thank you. I'll think about what you've suggested.




It is. I guess the most painful part is the unrealized potential, "what could have been". Except that it couldn't have been. Don't know if I'm making any sense here.

Makes sense to me. Martel offered some excellent advice. I know its of small comfort now, but the pain will lessen over time while the good memories remain. My best to you.
 
Your reaction is normal. And I understand what "could have been but couldn't have been" means, at least in this situation.

I'm sorry for the loss. Hope you can make peace with it one day.
 
Ugh. That's horrible. I'm really sorry. If anything, how you treat relationships and people in general from this point on will be because of her.

That seems like a good way to honor her memory and take something that's pure and good from it. Despite it not having worked out when you were together.

🙂
 
Makes sense to me. Martel offered some excellent advice. I know its of small comfort now, but the pain will lessen over time while the good memories remain. My best to you.

Thank you again.

Your reaction is normal. And I understand what "could have been but couldn't have been" means, at least in this situation.

I'm sorry for the loss. Hope you can make peace with it one day.

Thank you. I hope I can too.

One thing I've got to avoid is sliding into regret over mistakes I made in that relationship. Or into thinking that this is a sign of my getting older and that it's all downhill from here. Bullshit, I say. What if all this had happened 20 years ago? Might have heard about it through different channels (i.e. a newspaper obit or a phone call instead of a Google search) but basically, 6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

Ugh. That's horrible. I'm really sorry. If anything, how you treat relationships and people in general from this point on will be because of her.

Yeah, not just the mistakes I made but the parts I got right too.

That seems like a good way to honor her memory and take something that's pure and good from it. Despite it not having worked out when you were together.

🙂

I hear that loud and clear. Something for me to consider.
 
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